George Kokinis sure has some big shoes to fill, but I think I've devised a list of general manager replacements that are just as good as, if not better than the legendary Kokinis:
(Ranked in order from adequate replacement to sure-fire fix)
A bucket of mud
Qualifications: Sits there; says nothing.
Sideways move. If you like what Kokinis brought to the table, but you want just a little more personality, a bucket of mud is your choice.
Pat Sajack
Qualifications: Hosts Wheel of Fortune.
I'm looking for stability with our next GM hire. Who provides stability more than Pat Sajack? Bob Barker has retired for good. Dick Clark's face reminds me too much of the Browns' offense. Alex Trebek is too stiff. Regis Philbin? I can't trust Notre Dame people. Sajack has been hosting the Wheel for ages, is extremely personable and adapts to all sorts of new gimmicks. Definite upgrade.
Mel Kiper Jr.
Qualifications: NFL Draft guru.
Why not? Let's give the most knowledgeable football-talent analyst on the planet a shot at building a team and picking players. He can't be much worse than the dart board all previous regimes have used.
Me
Qualifications: Watches sports on TV; owns several bocce trophies
Seriously, how f***ing hard could this be? Watch college football, pick the best players available, hire people who aren't half-retarded. Done. I'm good for at least 2 more wins than Kokinis. Easy.
Bill Cowher
Qualifications: Coached the Steelers; played for the Browns; can understand Shannon Sharpe
Growing up, I wanted to punch this man in his face more than anyone. And I'm conflicted as to how much I really want to root for this guy, but if he came to Cleveland in a Bill Parcells-in-Miami type of role and put a stamp on this team—any stamp at all—I would probably be on board. I begrudgingly accepted Kellen Winslow Jr., Braylon Edwards and Jamal Lewis into my life (and look how well all of them worked out!) so, I would find room in my heart for the Chin. It would be like that prodigal son parable.
Bernie Kosar
Qualifications: Once played football for the Browns; hand-picked the quarterback for the Cleveland Gladiators.
Bernie knows football. Do you really need to work up through the ranks to watch film and judge football players? I know there are other tasks a GM must do, like work out contracts and other such details, but it doesn't matter. Bernie's presence calms me down. We've been cursed since Belichick got rid of him, maybe hiring him back in a prominent role would end it.
LeBron James
Qualifications: Best basketball player on the planet; savior of the world.
If anyone knows how to resurrect a dead, depressing sports franchise, it is LeBron James. Also, it gives him yet another reason to stay in Cleveland.
fantastic.
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