"It ain't despair that gets you; it's the hope." -- Todd Snider in "Big Finish"
The 2012 NBA Draft told me a lot about myself. I had studied this draft for months because I love drafts. I do this every year for all drafts because our teams always suck. Our teams all suck, but drafts hold that promise of the next team. This next team that doesn't exist and might not suck. That's my favorite team. Teams in reality lose. During the draft, the Browns and Cavs (and Indians, kinda) can be front and center, bring hope and cannot lose. This is all appealing.
But then the 2012 NBA Draft happens. Much like the 2012 NFL Draft, I disagreed with what my team did. I hated the pick. We lost the draft! How is this possible?! I just said that we can't lose it!
As time passed, after sending my usual barrage of snarky tweets out into the world, I finally breathed and examined my thoughts. Why am I mad exactly?.... Well, we traded three of our picks for a white stiff center named Tyler. .... But I kind of wanted Tyler before the draft started, and I felt we should use all of those extra picks to move up and take a guy like Tyler. ....So that isn't it .... Well we took Dion Waiters at No. 4. That was a terrible pick and it made me just hate on everything .... But I kind of wanted a Waiters type player before the draft. I wanted an explosive, athletic wing that is tough and plays hard .... And the analysts were all in love with this guy, so shouldn't I be happy?..... Well, I wanted two SPECIFIC wings; I wanted Bradley Beal or Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. .... But those guys were already picked. ....So how is that the fucking Cavs' fault? Because they didn't trade up? .... Maybe..... But maybe they couldn't. ....
So let's get this straight: The guys I wanted were gone and the Cavs filled the two biggest needs of the offseason the best way they could among the available players and assets they had. And I was mad? Cleveland sports give me enough to be mad about, do I really need to be manufacturing another one? If I walked into this draft with no preconceived notions, I probably would have felt satisfied.
The problem is the set point. Let me explain the little I know about set points and pretend I'm smart: If I tell you a random number - like 70 - and then I ask you a dumb question that you don't intuitively know - like what's the percentage of commercially successful Adam Sandler movies - your answer will be relatively close to 70 percent. If I tell another person a different random number - like 10 - and ask the same Sandler question - that person's guess will be closer to 10 percent. Even though that random number has nothing to do with anything, your mind uses it as a set point, whether you know it or not. This is true because I just read it in a book.
Essentially: People are stupid. I spend all year reading mock drafts, "studying" the available players for my teams, and taking in the thoughts of the "experts." Who might my team take? What are our needs? How will PLAYER X fit these needs? Even if it's all based on nothing -- having rarely watched any of these guys actually play their sport -- I am internalizing all of this shit. It could all be written by an autistic first grader, but it is establishing a set point. THE CAVS MUST TAKE MKG OR BEAL. IF THEY DON'T, THEY SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE HARRISON BARNES. BARNES. HARRISON BARNES. BRADLEY BEAL. MKG. MKG. MKG. MKG BARNES. BEAL. BARNES. BEAL
....
....
WHO THE FUCK IS DION WAITERS?!?!!?
The anger isn't based on anything. I just hadn't read his name a million times. At this point in reality he's really no different than MKG or Barnes - they are all unproven rookies with upside - but I read the names Beal, Gilchrist and Barnes a lot. Set point. Waiters was too far past my set point. It's disturbing that I didn't even really want Barnes. I didn't like what I read about him. But I read about him, so that's what really mattered, in the end.
Here's another problem: All of these draft dreams create unrealistic expectations, which then become their own set points. I've already dreamed of the possibilities of these future teams and what they can achieve -- again, based on nothing other than my desire for these futures to happen -- and so when they logically do not happen, I am pissed. Always. Set point. What ends up happening, sometimes, isn't really that bad, but it didn't hit the high bar that I set. It fell short of the set point.
Alls I'm saying is Cleveland sports suck enough already -- we don't need to make things worse.
Our day dreams and visions of grandeur are counter productive. We have the highest set point on our minds at all time -- a championship. We are fucking obsessed. And when our teams reasonably do not live up to that (because all teams other than one do not live up that every year) we feel bad. We pat ourselves on the back because we're always "waiting for next year" and "always have that hope" and we are "believeland" but that's our ultimate problem because it's manufacturing a false reality, based on nothing, that will inevitably leave us more depressed than we would have been if we were just realistic.
Don't hope for tomorrow. We will suck. Get it in your heads. Set points.
... Who knows. Maybe someday we won't suck and then it will exceed this low set point and we'll be jacked up about it. ... Yea, someday we might have a team that puts it together and wins us a championship. .... Hmmmm, I bet Dion Waiters and Kyire Irving, given enough time, could get there...it's definitely a good foundation....add in another draft ...hmmmmmm....
Go Teams.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Is this a right and just world? The Cool Hand Luke parable
"'Nothing' is a pretty cool hand to play" -- Paul Newman
"It'd be pretty cool to win a hand. Ever." -- Chris Crowell
I just watched the movie Cool Hand Luke for the first time while drinking some Wright Pils(es), and I'm going to write about it while listening to the Tribe game. Cool Hand Luke is a movie from 1967 starring Paul Newman. Yea, it's been around awhile (and if you don't want Cool Hand Luke spoiled for you ... hop into a time machine). Anyway, Luke is a cool dude. He's charismatic, and he's got that suave graying hair that cool dudes get when they get older. He even wears a bottle opener around his neck, which is the coolest thing ever, just to prove how god damn fucking cool he is. Also: He's a war veteran (you get the idea he's seen some shit), and his mom eventually dies (he sings and cries a tear about it). So, he's cool, but he's got a past and feels shit. The ultimate combo.
Coolness only goes so far though, and Luke isn't that excited about his rural life. So, he acts out. The movie basically starts with him being cool -- drinking beers while cutting the tops off parking meters (Stick it to the man! Fuck parking meters!) and very quickly he's arrested and made part of a chain gang. From there, he and a bunch of low lifes, scallywags and closeted homosexuals have to live together, shave roadside grass together and basically pass life together until their sentences are up. Could be a few years; could be half a lifetime. And just in case you are wondering, cutting the tops off parking meters apparently gets you two years. TWO YEARS! Anyway, whatever -- Luke is in there with all these dudes for awhile, and it sucks.
Ol' Luke though, boy howdy, does he ever make it interesting. All the captives bond, and it's because Luke brings them together. Sure, they are prisoners, and they have few day-to-day joys, but they make the most of it, god damn it. They try to accomplish tedious prison work at a faster pace, just to see the looks on the guards' faces! They box each other! They have egg eating contests! They play cards for low stakes! They have fun group shower sessions! Seriously, it looks like the best vacation you've never taken with the best dirty friends you've never had.
Man, life is sweet in the chain gang. Anything is possible. When Luke attempts to escape during the movie, it's a foregone conclusion he will make it, and then, we assume, he will help everyone else escape and they will all live in the same neighborhood, join a local Elks Club, raise hell, bang broads and high five until their hands hurt.
Bottom line: The success of LeBron James is NOT equivalent in any way to the amount of hate he receives. These things are mutually exclusive. He's a fucking basketball terminator. He can do everything on offense. He can guard every position on defense -- relentlessly. He sees the floor like the best point guards in the game. He can control the game like maybe only five guys in the history of the game. I know all of this. I knew all of this. I hoped for all of this when we drafted the guy when he was a wide-eyed, scrawny 18 year old. The fact that he delivered on this promise is in no way shocking.
Here's the problem though, dicks, and why I will remain bitter until they have to tear the wine and gold foam finger off my cold dead hand: HE LEFT! HE QUIT ON US! THAT'S WHY I WAS MAD BEFORE! THAT'S WHY I'M STILL BITTER! THAT'S WHY I WILL ALWAYS BE BITTER! AND HE WON THE FUCKING THING, NOT WITH A SUPER TEAM, BUT WITH A BROKEN DOWN SHITTY ONE THAT IS COMPARABLE TO HIS TEAMS IN CLEVELAND! WTF! WTF!!! WTF!!!
So Luke was a pretty cool dude, but the thing of it is, Luke's ass was in prison. There was no escape. Believe me, he tried like eight times. Every time you think he's free and clear the bosses catch his ass. In the end, you REALLY think he makes it. For real this time. He's out! Freedom!!!
However, he has a sarcastic conversation with a god he doesn't believe in, and then suddenly he's surrounded by cops again, gets shot and is driven off in a cop car while dying. The end.
Here's the thing though: After he gets shot, his buddy beats up a mean cop, and the mean cop gets his trademark sunglasses run over by a car. It's a cool moment. Also, as Luke is being driven away with a bullet in his neck, he is smiling a wry smile. Good ol' Luke. This is because even though Luke bled to death, he went out on his terms. He wasn't going to let this shitty, oppressive life keep him down. He was going to find ultimate happiness in this life or die, and, by god, he did. He died. Luke is a cool dude like that.
Here's the thing though: Luke fucking died. Make no mistake about it -- cool sonuvabitch smile or not -- that is the smile of a dead man. He didn't really win. Seeing it outside the story, as omnipresent viewers, he might have won (or at least avoided eating a pile of shit), but did he really? In a movie, he's a champ. In whatever backfuck town he lived in, he's a dead nobody that couldn't escape his fate (He had to do TWO YEARS). Luke didn't believe in god, so there is no assumed afterlife glory in this story. He just lived his life, and then he died because he was frustrated. Luke was a cool dude, but he lost.
Alls I'm saying is, if you're a Cleveland fan, don't smile in the cop car. FROWN as hard as you can. Fuck that cop's sunglasses. Either we escape and win, or we die bitter and bleeding to death with no other meaning.
... The Tribe won tonight, by the way. ... That's cool... Go Tribe, and Go Cavs.
"It'd be pretty cool to win a hand. Ever." -- Chris Crowell
I just watched the movie Cool Hand Luke for the first time while drinking some Wright Pils(es), and I'm going to write about it while listening to the Tribe game. Cool Hand Luke is a movie from 1967 starring Paul Newman. Yea, it's been around awhile (and if you don't want Cool Hand Luke spoiled for you ... hop into a time machine). Anyway, Luke is a cool dude. He's charismatic, and he's got that suave graying hair that cool dudes get when they get older. He even wears a bottle opener around his neck, which is the coolest thing ever, just to prove how god damn fucking cool he is. Also: He's a war veteran (you get the idea he's seen some shit), and his mom eventually dies (he sings and cries a tear about it). So, he's cool, but he's got a past and feels shit. The ultimate combo.
Coolness only goes so far though, and Luke isn't that excited about his rural life. So, he acts out. The movie basically starts with him being cool -- drinking beers while cutting the tops off parking meters (Stick it to the man! Fuck parking meters!) and very quickly he's arrested and made part of a chain gang. From there, he and a bunch of low lifes, scallywags and closeted homosexuals have to live together, shave roadside grass together and basically pass life together until their sentences are up. Could be a few years; could be half a lifetime. And just in case you are wondering, cutting the tops off parking meters apparently gets you two years. TWO YEARS! Anyway, whatever -- Luke is in there with all these dudes for awhile, and it sucks.
Ol' Luke though, boy howdy, does he ever make it interesting. All the captives bond, and it's because Luke brings them together. Sure, they are prisoners, and they have few day-to-day joys, but they make the most of it, god damn it. They try to accomplish tedious prison work at a faster pace, just to see the looks on the guards' faces! They box each other! They have egg eating contests! They play cards for low stakes! They have fun group shower sessions! Seriously, it looks like the best vacation you've never taken with the best dirty friends you've never had.
Man, life is sweet in the chain gang. Anything is possible. When Luke attempts to escape during the movie, it's a foregone conclusion he will make it, and then, we assume, he will help everyone else escape and they will all live in the same neighborhood, join a local Elks Club, raise hell, bang broads and high five until their hands hurt.
*****
Fuck LeBron James. Let's just get that out there. I'm mixing in some praise here, and I want my main message to be clear. Fuck him. For life.
The guy won an NBA championship the other day. This is now a fact of life and an unsurprising one if you have two eyes and a brain. OK, one eye and a brain. OK, even Helen Keller (even though she isn't real) would assume No. 6 would win a championship at some point. Seriously, the asshole is a THREE TIME
MVP of the league. Translation: He better fucking win a championship. It
would literally be unprecedented if he didn't. In the NBA, the
best players win championships at some point. The otherwordly players
win several, and No. 6 is otherworldly. He is. I'm serious. Let me be
clear here: This. Was. Never. Up. For. Debate. Dude is/was/will be
awesome at basketball and has more talent in his left nut than anyone in the league.
As much as people (myself included because it was just so much god
damn fun) got swept up in the
dumb-fuck national media's narratives about LeBron being a choke artist and all of
that, that was never the real reason to hate this guy. I watched the guy come up clutch, and so did everyone else if they had memory past yesterday. He was the best player in the world in the playoffs in 2009 -- but Mo Williams couldn't hit a jump shot and we lost to Orlando. He dragged the worst cast of characters of all time to the NBA Finals in 2007 -- but they met a vastly superior team in the San Antonio Spurs (thanks for falling to the young gun, in-over-their-heads OKC Thunder this year, Spurs!). But now he has finally won a title so ... what? I'm supposed to not hate him? What does that have to do with anything? How does this make any sense?
Out here in real Cleveland fan world, nothing has changed about this story except the level of depression. No. 6 finally did it, and it wasn't in Cleveland, and I'm sad about it. Legit -- this is depressing. I watched most of the games in the NBA playoffs, but I could not watch the final game. I read a book and fell asleep at 10 p.m because I was so depressed about what I knew was going to happen. I could not see him lift the trophy and celebrate or even prepare to do so. In a right and just world, we draft this hometown guy, he eats undeserved pile of shit after undeserved pile of shit until he finally figures it out and wins the title for his own redemption and for the redemption of his hometown fans. Oh how sweet that was going to be. We all hate eating shit! Let's stop eating it together! But no. The 2012 champs are (is?) the Miami Heat. Led by a coward who left his team to try and form a super one.
Bottom line: The success of LeBron James is NOT equivalent in any way to the amount of hate he receives. These things are mutually exclusive. He's a fucking basketball terminator. He can do everything on offense. He can guard every position on defense -- relentlessly. He sees the floor like the best point guards in the game. He can control the game like maybe only five guys in the history of the game. I know all of this. I knew all of this. I hoped for all of this when we drafted the guy when he was a wide-eyed, scrawny 18 year old. The fact that he delivered on this promise is in no way shocking.
Here's the problem though, dicks, and why I will remain bitter until they have to tear the wine and gold foam finger off my cold dead hand: HE LEFT! HE QUIT ON US! THAT'S WHY I WAS MAD BEFORE! THAT'S WHY I'M STILL BITTER! THAT'S WHY I WILL ALWAYS BE BITTER! AND HE WON THE FUCKING THING, NOT WITH A SUPER TEAM, BUT WITH A BROKEN DOWN SHITTY ONE THAT IS COMPARABLE TO HIS TEAMS IN CLEVELAND! WTF! WTF!!! WTF!!!
It could have happened here, but it didn't. It should have happened here, but it didn't. There are plenty of factors that I'm not going to rehash, but No. 6 took his terminator talents to South Beach and realized all of his gifts with another cast of low lifes and scallywags and closeted homosexuals.
But it's Cleveland. Lather, rinse, repeat, right? Did I expect a different result? Are you kidding? If Art Modell can move the Browns and win a Super Bowl within five years (or whatever it was; I'm not Googling Modell or Ravens) then any evil in this world is possible. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up tomorrow and find that the Catholic Church has been allowed to get away with child molestation for decades (wait, WHAT????). This isn't a right and just world. LeBron winning a title isn't an injustice; it is completely logical. Him winning it after shitting on our back? That's injustice.
But that's Cleveland.
******
So Luke was a pretty cool dude, but the thing of it is, Luke's ass was in prison. There was no escape. Believe me, he tried like eight times. Every time you think he's free and clear the bosses catch his ass. In the end, you REALLY think he makes it. For real this time. He's out! Freedom!!!
However, he has a sarcastic conversation with a god he doesn't believe in, and then suddenly he's surrounded by cops again, gets shot and is driven off in a cop car while dying. The end.
Here's the thing though: After he gets shot, his buddy beats up a mean cop, and the mean cop gets his trademark sunglasses run over by a car. It's a cool moment. Also, as Luke is being driven away with a bullet in his neck, he is smiling a wry smile. Good ol' Luke. This is because even though Luke bled to death, he went out on his terms. He wasn't going to let this shitty, oppressive life keep him down. He was going to find ultimate happiness in this life or die, and, by god, he did. He died. Luke is a cool dude like that.
Here's the thing though: Luke fucking died. Make no mistake about it -- cool sonuvabitch smile or not -- that is the smile of a dead man. He didn't really win. Seeing it outside the story, as omnipresent viewers, he might have won (or at least avoided eating a pile of shit), but did he really? In a movie, he's a champ. In whatever backfuck town he lived in, he's a dead nobody that couldn't escape his fate (He had to do TWO YEARS). Luke didn't believe in god, so there is no assumed afterlife glory in this story. He just lived his life, and then he died because he was frustrated. Luke was a cool dude, but he lost.
Alls I'm saying is, if you're a Cleveland fan, don't smile in the cop car. FROWN as hard as you can. Fuck that cop's sunglasses. Either we escape and win, or we die bitter and bleeding to death with no other meaning.
... The Tribe won tonight, by the way. ... That's cool... Go Tribe, and Go Cavs.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Cleveland 19, End of the world edition
The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
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