There's not much vitriol left in the atmosphere to write about how much I now despise That Other Player in Miami. Most sports writers out there have already done an exemplary job. All I'll say to finalize the moment, as the cherry on the diahrrea, is I now would rather makeout with Joakim Noah than ever watch That Other Player in Miami win another game. I'd rather bomb an abortion clinic with Tim Tebow than see That Other Player in Miami experience even the slightest bit of joy. I would rather put on a Kendrick Perkins jersey, fly to Boston and root for the Celtics before I would ever NOT throw batteries at That Other Player in Miami's head. I don't even know if that last one makes sense, but as Dan Gilbert proved, hate trumps grammar and mechanics sometimes.
But I'm not here to talk about that. One reason is, I'm actually enjoying hating That Other Player in Miami. It's been a lot of fun thus far. Everyone is doing it! If you're NOT writing a column about how much a douchebag No.6 is, then you just aren't cool. If you haven't burned a No.23 jersey, you're a prude.
If he had the balls and ego enough to do what he did, if he wanted "take his game to South Beach" that bad, then F him.
And this is where my real point begins. I don't think enough Cleveland fans really believe those words. We will all say "F him!! I hate that guy!" But when the Cavs season rolls around, when we all really have the chance to make a statement, we won't.
What statement is that? Continuing to go and support the Cavs, for better and worse. For as much as we all want That Other Player in Miami to drink battery acid and die, he was the only reason so many people went to Cavs games. Did you read one of those "Cleveland will lose so much money when he leaves" stories? Well, they probably were right. And the fact that they probably were right pisses me off more than The Decision.
That Other Player in Miami doesn't have to cost the city money. The Decision doesn't have to END BASKETBALL IN CLEVELAND! But since this city is full of fair weather fans, it just might. And that pisses me off.
Remember after Sept. 11, when people quit shopping and the government started curtailing our freedom, there was the cry "Don't do that or the terrorists will win!" That's how I feel about our situation now. When the fair weather fans in this city feel sorry of themselves or lose interest because the team is losing, That Other Player in Miami wins.
How many titles did we win before LeBron (since '64)? Zero. How many did we win with LeBron? Zero. How many will we win after LeBron? .... Well, clearly the answer will still be zero. But so what? If the answer is always zero, and yet fans still turned out in droves to watch That Other Player in Miami, why stop turning out now? This might sound too philosophical and bit absurd, but winning 61 games in the regular season, at a certain point, isn't any different than winning 17. You can still have beers before the game. You can still cheer and boo during the game. You can still have beers after the game and enjoy the camaraderie of a city, win or lose. And in both scenarios we still lose in the end. This is more about being in a brotherhood with your fellow sports fan than it is about some final ultimate glory.
Clevelanders readily admit that we suck and we don't win and all that, and yet when a team has no chance—when it's blatantly Clevelandesque, like the Tribe—we don't go. It's too much to bare. It's no fun. Well, that's dumb. Either you are with us or against us. Either you only cared about That Other Player in Miami or you care about Cleveland. Either you will now quit following the Cavs or you will be a stand-up human being and drink beer downtown.
Please, feel free to bitch and moan. Feel free to hate That Other Player in Miami and any other traitor that leaves our city. But please don't quit the Cavs (just as you've done with the Tribe). That Player didn't blow up the arena. It's still there, with seats and everything. Don't contribute to the demise of downtown. Go to games and be a Clevelander. If not now, when the team isn't good ... when?
Not satisfied with that? Don't care about the tradition, loyalty and camaraderie? You want to see a championship? Then move. Or build a time machine. I'm sure 1948 will be very impressed with your iPhone.
Go Cavs.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Aaaaahhhh!!: My time line of LeBron emotions
Here's a quick time line of my life on The Decision Eve:
6:30. Woke up feeling good. Been riding a high ever since going down to the Fan Tunnel on Saturday. The vibe in the city felt positive and supportive. It felt very un-Cleveland, and that vibe has stayed with me. At this point, I fully believe LeBron will stay. I have a theory on why.
8:30. Eating my oatmeal by the filing cabinets and I debut my theory. Here goes: LeBron is staying in Cleveland, and he's always wanted to stay here. So why do all of this free agency stuff? Just to show he could. Instead of driving and around NYC and Miami and Chicago, he said F you, come to Cleveland and tell me why I should leave. He wore sweat pants and a t-shirts. Why? Because F you, I'm LeBron James, you need me, I don't need you. He saw the signs; he felt the love. The primetime TV show announcing his decision? F you, I'm going to do this because I can. Because people will honestly tune in just to watch me pick a team. All of this elaborately shows that even from Cleveland, he can host a primetime TV show based around anything he wants.
8:35. Heard Bosh is signing with Miami. This could have derailed my optimism, but I still don't buy it. I've got my theory after all. And my Home sign. How could he leave us behind? Not buying it.
8:36. Fuck Chris Bosh. Why is he so great? I'm going to throw batteries at him when the Heat come to town.
9:30. Tell my theory a few more times. Feeling good.
10:45. Feel like making a bet with a co-worker. I'm POSITIVE LeBron will stay. I'll put any amount on it. We'll discuss parameters at lunch.
11:00. After a variety of LeBron emails, none with any real importance, all of a sudden, without warning, all of my confidence drained. I read LeBron's name in a subject line and then envisioned this primetime show tomorrow. Here is what happened in my brain:
LeBron. Primetime. Cleveland. Sports. Big stage. Life-altering decision. Potentially crippling. Sports. Cleveland. Cleveland. Big stage. Whole world watching ...... Um, why am I so confident?????
And just as I thought this, a co-worker sends this email: "Full Panic Mode."
Gulp.
12:30. At lunch. Non-stop LeBron talk. Some hopeful voices. Many panicked voices. Some angry voices. A decent peach. Still in full panic mode.
2:00. Read a blog post that says Cavs are one of several teams pushing hard for Carlos Boozer in a last second attempt to woo James. Wow. So many feelings. Is it possible that the Cavs pull off a sign and trade, get Boozer and then LeBron leaves!!! That would mean in 2011 I have to root for Carlos Boozer and NOT LeBron James. Fuck me. In the ass. No lube.
3:00. Read a good column on SI.com. He echoes thoughts I had earlier: Does LeBron James really have the balls to call a live press conference in primetime just to tell the city of Cleveland to fuck off? I say no. Horrible public relations decision... Feeling a little better.
3:30. Read a damning column about LeBron on Yahoo. Very well written. So well written that I kind of hate LeBron right now. I kind of feel like I want him to leave just so I can hate him and call him an egotistical douchebag. I kind of want to root against him for the rest of my life and tell my grandkids about how much I hate him.
3:31. I snap out of it a little. Just going to hold onto that hatred for tomorrow night.
4:45. Listening to talk radio. Hear Boozer signs with the Bulls. Kind of a relief. But yet another reason for LeBron to leave. Ugh. I'd call this a circus, but the circus is fun. This is more like a dropping of Agent Orange.
5:15. Hear LeBron or his marketing firm (unsure which from the two friends I spoke to) has filed to change addresses to Chicago. That is factual. No rumor or opinion here. There was a change of address. Yet again, and with anger—wow. Would LeBron really go THAT far just to throw us off the scent? Is it a red herring? For the sake of my fist and living room wall tomorrow night, I hope so. But this revelation really rocks me. Not good times.
7:00. Conversation with a buddy on the phone. Talk was very depressing. We hate this. We hate that. We are throwing up about this. We are going to throw feces at that. ... This is becoming extremely unhealthy. .. Talk ends with positive feelings about the Tribe. Read that again. Seriously, shoot me in the face.
OK. That's enough. Bottom line? I'm F'd up. This situation is F'd up. I really cannot take any more of this. Do I think LeBron will sign? No clue. I'm still, end of the day, leaning toward yes—despite the address change and all the other signings. Mostly because, if I'm not leaning toward yes, then I have to unleash a tirade of bitterness the likes of which the world has never seen. And I don't feel like doing that yet.
And I just don't think he has the balls to stab us in the back on live TV. Which I guess would more technically be a stab to the face. Do you, LeBron? Do you have the balls to stab us in the face? You certainly didn't against the Celtics. You know who did? Delonte. Your mom told me.
(Ooooh, did that sting? Well, there's more where that came from if you leave, you son of a bitch. But please don't leave. Cleveland loves you. ... God, I'm a mess.)
Go Cavs.
6:30. Woke up feeling good. Been riding a high ever since going down to the Fan Tunnel on Saturday. The vibe in the city felt positive and supportive. It felt very un-Cleveland, and that vibe has stayed with me. At this point, I fully believe LeBron will stay. I have a theory on why.
8:30. Eating my oatmeal by the filing cabinets and I debut my theory. Here goes: LeBron is staying in Cleveland, and he's always wanted to stay here. So why do all of this free agency stuff? Just to show he could. Instead of driving and around NYC and Miami and Chicago, he said F you, come to Cleveland and tell me why I should leave. He wore sweat pants and a t-shirts. Why? Because F you, I'm LeBron James, you need me, I don't need you. He saw the signs; he felt the love. The primetime TV show announcing his decision? F you, I'm going to do this because I can. Because people will honestly tune in just to watch me pick a team. All of this elaborately shows that even from Cleveland, he can host a primetime TV show based around anything he wants.
8:35. Heard Bosh is signing with Miami. This could have derailed my optimism, but I still don't buy it. I've got my theory after all. And my Home sign. How could he leave us behind? Not buying it.
8:36. Fuck Chris Bosh. Why is he so great? I'm going to throw batteries at him when the Heat come to town.
9:30. Tell my theory a few more times. Feeling good.
10:45. Feel like making a bet with a co-worker. I'm POSITIVE LeBron will stay. I'll put any amount on it. We'll discuss parameters at lunch.
11:00. After a variety of LeBron emails, none with any real importance, all of a sudden, without warning, all of my confidence drained. I read LeBron's name in a subject line and then envisioned this primetime show tomorrow. Here is what happened in my brain:
LeBron. Primetime. Cleveland. Sports. Big stage. Life-altering decision. Potentially crippling. Sports. Cleveland. Cleveland. Big stage. Whole world watching ...... Um, why am I so confident?????
And just as I thought this, a co-worker sends this email: "Full Panic Mode."
Gulp.
12:30. At lunch. Non-stop LeBron talk. Some hopeful voices. Many panicked voices. Some angry voices. A decent peach. Still in full panic mode.
2:00. Read a blog post that says Cavs are one of several teams pushing hard for Carlos Boozer in a last second attempt to woo James. Wow. So many feelings. Is it possible that the Cavs pull off a sign and trade, get Boozer and then LeBron leaves!!! That would mean in 2011 I have to root for Carlos Boozer and NOT LeBron James. Fuck me. In the ass. No lube.
3:00. Read a good column on SI.com. He echoes thoughts I had earlier: Does LeBron James really have the balls to call a live press conference in primetime just to tell the city of Cleveland to fuck off? I say no. Horrible public relations decision... Feeling a little better.
3:30. Read a damning column about LeBron on Yahoo. Very well written. So well written that I kind of hate LeBron right now. I kind of feel like I want him to leave just so I can hate him and call him an egotistical douchebag. I kind of want to root against him for the rest of my life and tell my grandkids about how much I hate him.
3:31. I snap out of it a little. Just going to hold onto that hatred for tomorrow night.
4:45. Listening to talk radio. Hear Boozer signs with the Bulls. Kind of a relief. But yet another reason for LeBron to leave. Ugh. I'd call this a circus, but the circus is fun. This is more like a dropping of Agent Orange.
5:15. Hear LeBron or his marketing firm (unsure which from the two friends I spoke to) has filed to change addresses to Chicago. That is factual. No rumor or opinion here. There was a change of address. Yet again, and with anger—wow. Would LeBron really go THAT far just to throw us off the scent? Is it a red herring? For the sake of my fist and living room wall tomorrow night, I hope so. But this revelation really rocks me. Not good times.
7:00. Conversation with a buddy on the phone. Talk was very depressing. We hate this. We hate that. We are throwing up about this. We are going to throw feces at that. ... This is becoming extremely unhealthy. .. Talk ends with positive feelings about the Tribe. Read that again. Seriously, shoot me in the face.
OK. That's enough. Bottom line? I'm F'd up. This situation is F'd up. I really cannot take any more of this. Do I think LeBron will sign? No clue. I'm still, end of the day, leaning toward yes—despite the address change and all the other signings. Mostly because, if I'm not leaning toward yes, then I have to unleash a tirade of bitterness the likes of which the world has never seen. And I don't feel like doing that yet.
And I just don't think he has the balls to stab us in the back on live TV. Which I guess would more technically be a stab to the face. Do you, LeBron? Do you have the balls to stab us in the face? You certainly didn't against the Celtics. You know who did? Delonte. Your mom told me.
(Ooooh, did that sting? Well, there's more where that came from if you leave, you son of a bitch. But please don't leave. Cleveland loves you. ... God, I'm a mess.)
Go Cavs.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Questioning Cleveland priorities
On Friday night, half of Cleveland gathered at Public Square in downtown, spilling over the sides in all directions, in order to see the world's best orchestra perform, The Cleveland Orchestra. It was really quite a moment and a great time to be downtown. And it got me thinking: Cleveland is messed up.
During my vacation, Hannah and I have tried to hit up some big-time Cleveland attractions that we've never been to before—the Art Museum, the Botanical Garden, the Cleveland Orchestra, Hot Sauce Williams, Melt, Playhouse Square, etc—and it's all been a thrilling cultural experience, filling me with more civic pride (and cheese) than I already had.
How is it possible for me to be filled with more civic pride? Well, this is where Cleveland is messed up. All of my civic pride, basically, comes from my allegiance to sports teams. You grow up; root for the Browns, Cavs and Indians; and then you defend every aspect of the city. But the thing of it is, those teams are rarely anything to be truly proud of. We never hold our heads high when discussing them, and if we do, it's out of defiance. However, in spite of it all, the misery factory of Cleveland sports gives us pride.
Messed. Up.
When you step back, it's absolutely asinine. We have a thriving, diverse and talented arts community. Like, it's .... good! The orchestra, the theater groups, the artists .... these talented people actually perform when it matters! Tons of them! National coverage of these groups is positive actually. There may be people that live in California or Texas or Florida, who only have an interest in the arts and actually ENVY Cleveland and wish they could live here or visit.
The thing is, I already kind of knew this. All of us do. When we are forced to defend our city after yet another sports debacle or harsh winter, we all fall back by saying these things from muscle memory.
It all struck me as so messed up during this Star Spangled Spectacular. The crowd was all anticipating the Cleveland Orchestra performance .... but BEFORE that happened, we had a glowing, pleading tribute to our hometown NBA free agent, LeBron James. We held signs, watched montages and cheered. PLEASE STAY LEBRON! WE LOVE YOU!!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE NEVER WON A TITLE, AND ARE POSSIBLY LEAVING US IN A FEW DAYS AND WE'RE ABOUT TO ENJOY A CLEVELAND INSTITUTION THAT WOULD NEVER LEAVE US .... WE'RE STILL THINKING OF YOU THE MOST!!
And I loved it. I'd do it again right now. During the montage, I honestly almost cried, remembering all of the great times that LeBron has given me these last seven years and how I don't want those moments to end. Then the orchestra finally came on and we all had a blast. No tears. Just awe and memories and celebration.
In here, there is a debate about the unfairness of a LeBron v. a Ceveland Orchestra. LeBron might be a billionaire in a few years and none of us know the first violinist's name. I'm not as upset by that. All of these people are talented and all of these people have worked hard to hone their craft. The beef isn't with LeBron and sports, it's just with popular culture in general—which means you should be most mad at your neighbor and all of your friends and probably even yourself. I know I am. Popular stuff makes more money in sports, art, entertainment, porn, food, deodorant and anything else. I would think the first violinist would be more mad at Jay-Z than LeBron if she was upset about inequities.
My question is, why is the stuff that's not as good more popular here in Cleveland, especially when our city is constantly trying to battle negativity? We are so backward. Why would we identify with the part of our city that's such a failure when we could all hang our hat on something we do great? Why don't we push our arts scene more, let it grow even bigger and define ourselves by that and not Travis Hafner pop ups?
A big reason, obviously, is Cleveland is like any other place. Sports are popular and the arts are gay. But a big reason is our sports scene wasn't always this way. Many moons ago, while the city itself was thriving (pre-river catching fire), our sports teams thrived. The Browns were the best team in football for practically two decades and the Indians were in and out of title contention constantly. And as the popularity of sports grew nationally, our identity with our teams correlated.
The Cavs, however, were never good and never really apart of our identity. They were a sideshow. Until we drafted LeBron. Now the Cavs are deeply woven into our culture—almost too much, as we talk about the economic impact of LeBron leaving.
If downtown is really pining for a solution in the Defcon 5 scenario of LeBron leaving, my recommendation is to totally shift the focus to the arts. Make a big push for free downtown art events every week and have hordes of people show up. There were more people at the orchestra event than at the Indians game earlier in the day anyway. The Parade the Circle event a few weeks ago drew the equivalent of a Browns game. And at both of these events, people were pumped and happy to be Clevelanders the entire time. No depression, anger or misery. No fistfights. Just awe and enjoyment.
As a quick example, sitting near us at the orchestra event was this middle-aged, blue-collar, chain-smoking, plump black woman sitting in a lawn chair alongside her husband and another guy, maybe a brother, from what I gather. Stereotypically, it would seem this woman would care less about the arts and more about sports. And sure, she cheered loud for LeBron when the time came. But all throughout this event, even when sexually confused tweens were singing show tunes at 6:30, she was clapping along, nodding her head—cigarette in mouth—unapologetically enjoying a cultural event. The orchestra came on—exuding precision, refinement and class—and those three people were clapping along, cheering and staring at the giant screen in amazement. Just loving music and a perfect summer night. They are three people I'll never forget and three people Cleveland needs to embrace more openly.
Whatever. Bottom line: I want LeBron to stay, and I want everyone to start paying more attention to the arts. Let's try and make both of these happen ......... But especially the LeBron part. Let's face it, I like both, but I'm never going to care more about a painting than I do about a LeBron James assist. I'm messed up like that.
Go Teams.
During my vacation, Hannah and I have tried to hit up some big-time Cleveland attractions that we've never been to before—the Art Museum, the Botanical Garden, the Cleveland Orchestra, Hot Sauce Williams, Melt, Playhouse Square, etc—and it's all been a thrilling cultural experience, filling me with more civic pride (and cheese) than I already had.
How is it possible for me to be filled with more civic pride? Well, this is where Cleveland is messed up. All of my civic pride, basically, comes from my allegiance to sports teams. You grow up; root for the Browns, Cavs and Indians; and then you defend every aspect of the city. But the thing of it is, those teams are rarely anything to be truly proud of. We never hold our heads high when discussing them, and if we do, it's out of defiance. However, in spite of it all, the misery factory of Cleveland sports gives us pride.
Messed. Up.
When you step back, it's absolutely asinine. We have a thriving, diverse and talented arts community. Like, it's .... good! The orchestra, the theater groups, the artists .... these talented people actually perform when it matters! Tons of them! National coverage of these groups is positive actually. There may be people that live in California or Texas or Florida, who only have an interest in the arts and actually ENVY Cleveland and wish they could live here or visit.
The thing is, I already kind of knew this. All of us do. When we are forced to defend our city after yet another sports debacle or harsh winter, we all fall back by saying these things from muscle memory.
It all struck me as so messed up during this Star Spangled Spectacular. The crowd was all anticipating the Cleveland Orchestra performance .... but BEFORE that happened, we had a glowing, pleading tribute to our hometown NBA free agent, LeBron James. We held signs, watched montages and cheered. PLEASE STAY LEBRON! WE LOVE YOU!!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE NEVER WON A TITLE, AND ARE POSSIBLY LEAVING US IN A FEW DAYS AND WE'RE ABOUT TO ENJOY A CLEVELAND INSTITUTION THAT WOULD NEVER LEAVE US .... WE'RE STILL THINKING OF YOU THE MOST!!
And I loved it. I'd do it again right now. During the montage, I honestly almost cried, remembering all of the great times that LeBron has given me these last seven years and how I don't want those moments to end. Then the orchestra finally came on and we all had a blast. No tears. Just awe and memories and celebration.
In here, there is a debate about the unfairness of a LeBron v. a Ceveland Orchestra. LeBron might be a billionaire in a few years and none of us know the first violinist's name. I'm not as upset by that. All of these people are talented and all of these people have worked hard to hone their craft. The beef isn't with LeBron and sports, it's just with popular culture in general—which means you should be most mad at your neighbor and all of your friends and probably even yourself. I know I am. Popular stuff makes more money in sports, art, entertainment, porn, food, deodorant and anything else. I would think the first violinist would be more mad at Jay-Z than LeBron if she was upset about inequities.
My question is, why is the stuff that's not as good more popular here in Cleveland, especially when our city is constantly trying to battle negativity? We are so backward. Why would we identify with the part of our city that's such a failure when we could all hang our hat on something we do great? Why don't we push our arts scene more, let it grow even bigger and define ourselves by that and not Travis Hafner pop ups?
A big reason, obviously, is Cleveland is like any other place. Sports are popular and the arts are gay. But a big reason is our sports scene wasn't always this way. Many moons ago, while the city itself was thriving (pre-river catching fire), our sports teams thrived. The Browns were the best team in football for practically two decades and the Indians were in and out of title contention constantly. And as the popularity of sports grew nationally, our identity with our teams correlated.
The Cavs, however, were never good and never really apart of our identity. They were a sideshow. Until we drafted LeBron. Now the Cavs are deeply woven into our culture—almost too much, as we talk about the economic impact of LeBron leaving.
If downtown is really pining for a solution in the Defcon 5 scenario of LeBron leaving, my recommendation is to totally shift the focus to the arts. Make a big push for free downtown art events every week and have hordes of people show up. There were more people at the orchestra event than at the Indians game earlier in the day anyway. The Parade the Circle event a few weeks ago drew the equivalent of a Browns game. And at both of these events, people were pumped and happy to be Clevelanders the entire time. No depression, anger or misery. No fistfights. Just awe and enjoyment.
As a quick example, sitting near us at the orchestra event was this middle-aged, blue-collar, chain-smoking, plump black woman sitting in a lawn chair alongside her husband and another guy, maybe a brother, from what I gather. Stereotypically, it would seem this woman would care less about the arts and more about sports. And sure, she cheered loud for LeBron when the time came. But all throughout this event, even when sexually confused tweens were singing show tunes at 6:30, she was clapping along, nodding her head—cigarette in mouth—unapologetically enjoying a cultural event. The orchestra came on—exuding precision, refinement and class—and those three people were clapping along, cheering and staring at the giant screen in amazement. Just loving music and a perfect summer night. They are three people I'll never forget and three people Cleveland needs to embrace more openly.
Whatever. Bottom line: I want LeBron to stay, and I want everyone to start paying more attention to the arts. Let's try and make both of these happen ......... But especially the LeBron part. Let's face it, I like both, but I'm never going to care more about a painting than I do about a LeBron James assist. I'm messed up like that.
Go Teams.
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