I'm going to plagiarize myself. I had the idea for the Sports Fan Calendar back in my college days, and since we're on the brink of a New Year in sports, I felt like dusting it off and re-sharing it. Other than a few updates here and there, it's the same column as before. Yup, I'm that lazy.
2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.
Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.
Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:
MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.
The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.
NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.
U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.
Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.
Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.
The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!
I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
No way to spin it: Jake Delhomme sucks
Let's call the Delhomme signing what it is—just a giant turd. There is no way to get excited for it as a fan.
It's not that Quinn is good. I could care less we traded Quinn. But I feel like we ended the Quinn era just to end it, regardless of Plan B. Why not just keep Quinn while we wait for our next "franchise" QB? Why waste money on Delhomme during this dark period?
It's like Holmgren said, "Hey, throw out that Coors Light, let me buy you some real beer!" And then proceeded to buy us Genessee.
Give me time and I talk myself into just about any farcical reality. I bought into Charlie Frye. I'm excited for the Tribe this year. I own a Luke Jackson jersey. I'm an easy sell. That's what makes this Delhomme signing so astounding: It is impossible to get excited for.
The only positive talking points people have are A) he's a veteran guy; B) he's a game manager; and C) he gives us stability at the position. All of these are correct.
He's a veteran. That will happen when you hang around the league until you're 35. You get to be called a veteran, which is always a positive term. Even when you are way past your glory days, people can spin the veteran word and people buy it.
"Hey, we got Willie McGinest? He'll bring a veteran presence to the linebacker position."
"Hey, we got Chuck Finley? Should provide a nice veteran presence to our rotation."
"Sweet, we signed Donyell Marshall? The dude's been there before, this should really help us."
And so on.
He's a game manager. Just because you're a veteran, and you're a white QB, it doesn't mean you are a "heady QB." Brady Quinn threw 7 INTs last year and Delhomme threw 18. Quinn is the guy with only a full year of starting experience. Maybe it's an anomaly, but is the 18-INT guy really the one to tout as the "smart game manager?" I fail to see the logic in this. Explain it to me WITHOUT using his stats from five years ago. This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine. This will be the 2010 season.
He provides stability. Delhomme provides stability because he's been signed to be the starter. We avoid controversy this way. Yup, no controversy. However, by this definition, any living organism would have been a positive so long as Holmgren named him the starter. Name Trent Dilfer the starter again? Stability. Name Josh Cribbs the starter? Stability. Name '80s hip hop star Bobby Brown the starter? Stability. Stable doesn't imply good, and it especially doesn't when applied to Delhomme—who is no longer good.
Whatever. If this 35-year-old that's thrown 22 INTs in his last 12 games, and is being paid $12 million to not be on his old team, is decent next year, then that's great. Awesome. Pop the champagne. But right now, I just don't believe it. With Quinn, I was able to live under the delusion that he could potentially figure it out and be decent. Time was still on his side and that gave me hope. Delhomme doesn't provide that. There is no delusion. He's just a washed up QB we didn't need to sign. To be a Browns fan, you need a hopeful delusion in the offseason. That's all we ask. Set us up for a fall. Is that really so hard to do?
Maybe it will all make sense after The Draft, when we select our new tantalizing college star QB (Tim Tebow, anyone?) that makes us root for Delhomme to get injured and ultimately leads us to five wins and bitterness ... but until that happens, I'm going to stay bummed out.
Go Browns.
It's not that Quinn is good. I could care less we traded Quinn. But I feel like we ended the Quinn era just to end it, regardless of Plan B. Why not just keep Quinn while we wait for our next "franchise" QB? Why waste money on Delhomme during this dark period?
It's like Holmgren said, "Hey, throw out that Coors Light, let me buy you some real beer!" And then proceeded to buy us Genessee.
Give me time and I talk myself into just about any farcical reality. I bought into Charlie Frye. I'm excited for the Tribe this year. I own a Luke Jackson jersey. I'm an easy sell. That's what makes this Delhomme signing so astounding: It is impossible to get excited for.
The only positive talking points people have are A) he's a veteran guy; B) he's a game manager; and C) he gives us stability at the position. All of these are correct.
He's a veteran. That will happen when you hang around the league until you're 35. You get to be called a veteran, which is always a positive term. Even when you are way past your glory days, people can spin the veteran word and people buy it.
"Hey, we got Willie McGinest? He'll bring a veteran presence to the linebacker position."
"Hey, we got Chuck Finley? Should provide a nice veteran presence to our rotation."
"Sweet, we signed Donyell Marshall? The dude's been there before, this should really help us."
And so on.
He's a game manager. Just because you're a veteran, and you're a white QB, it doesn't mean you are a "heady QB." Brady Quinn threw 7 INTs last year and Delhomme threw 18. Quinn is the guy with only a full year of starting experience. Maybe it's an anomaly, but is the 18-INT guy really the one to tout as the "smart game manager?" I fail to see the logic in this. Explain it to me WITHOUT using his stats from five years ago. This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine. This will be the 2010 season.
He provides stability. Delhomme provides stability because he's been signed to be the starter. We avoid controversy this way. Yup, no controversy. However, by this definition, any living organism would have been a positive so long as Holmgren named him the starter. Name Trent Dilfer the starter again? Stability. Name Josh Cribbs the starter? Stability. Name '80s hip hop star Bobby Brown the starter? Stability. Stable doesn't imply good, and it especially doesn't when applied to Delhomme—who is no longer good.
Whatever. If this 35-year-old that's thrown 22 INTs in his last 12 games, and is being paid $12 million to not be on his old team, is decent next year, then that's great. Awesome. Pop the champagne. But right now, I just don't believe it. With Quinn, I was able to live under the delusion that he could potentially figure it out and be decent. Time was still on his side and that gave me hope. Delhomme doesn't provide that. There is no delusion. He's just a washed up QB we didn't need to sign. To be a Browns fan, you need a hopeful delusion in the offseason. That's all we ask. Set us up for a fall. Is that really so hard to do?
Maybe it will all make sense after The Draft, when we select our new tantalizing college star QB (Tim Tebow, anyone?) that makes us root for Delhomme to get injured and ultimately leads us to five wins and bitterness ... but until that happens, I'm going to stay bummed out.
Go Browns.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Forget Forbes, embrace The Plum
In the wake of Forbes-called-us-miserable-gate, many Clevelanders got real defensive. Plain Dealer columns. Radio shows. TV commercials. Even a website called whattheforbes.com. The most backlash came from Twitter, where people tweeted why they were #HappyinCLE. “We are NOT miserable, and here's all of the really cool stuff we can do!” was the cry. I got caught up in it too because I hate when outsiders slight my humble city, but I can't help but feel many are missing the point.
Joe Posnanski, as usual, is right. We all need to quit pointing out why we’re no different than metropolitan hot spots in order to prove doubters wrong. Cleveland is different. We're not the Big Apple, we're The Plum, remember? We have to look in the mirror, realize what makes Cleveland, Cleveland, and appreciate all of it—all without wanting to drink a 40-ounce, slit our wrists and slowly bleed to death. If that seems too difficult to do, then leave.
Cleveland is kind of miserable. That's why the Cleveland Tourism Video was so funny. It's these lumps that form our character. Let Forbes call us out. Who cares? That's the type of city Cleveland is. We get looked down on by the snobs, looked over by the cool and called out by the media. But all of those are reasons to be #HappyinCLE. Cleveland is a dive bar. Dive bars are awesome. Quit looking around for the hot girls, the velvet ropes and the foam dance floor. Chug a beer, fart and play darts with your buddies.
What's this have to do with sports? Everything! Our sports teams are the true definition of our delightfully miserable town. There is plenty to have fun with and celebrate in Cleveland sports. It's stuff that's not awesome to outsiders and doesn't lead to success, but it's all unapologetically Cleveland stuff. Much of it is lame or goofy, but that's why we like it. Here are some of my favorite examples in what I'm calling my Plum List— all of which symbolize some part of our true Cleveland identity.
The Brownie Elf. There may be no dumber faux-mascot in all of sports. I wouldn't hesitate to tattoo it on my back.
Austin Carr. The man is more lovable than a puppy in a top hat. It’s the way he gets mad when we’re playing poorly; it’s the way he calls refs into question; it’s his off-the-cuff giddiness after fantastic plays; it's how half the time he can’t find the words to properly describe his emotions (but we all know what he means). And it’s not just his homer traits I love. It’s his laugh, the sound of which may have medicinal purposes; it’s the way he casually uses the word “consequently” at least five times a game; it’s the way he talks himself into corners headed to commercial and just ends it by saying “….in the Quuuuuuuuuuuu.”
“LeBron is taking the Celtics to school tonight… stepping back and firing..from LONG RANGE…OVER Daniels…..from DEEP…..in the Quuuuuuuu.”
And it's the way he goes to do that same thing on the road and clearly has to think for a second and look at a piece of paper to remember the name of the arena. “From DEEP…..in…….the ARCO Areenaaaaaaaa.”
On an objective metric, the man is not good at his job. He is a broadcaster who bumbles over his words and is biased for one side to win a game. But all of that makes me love him. He’s just a goofy guy that irrationally roots for Cleveland. I wouldn’t have Mr. Cavalier be any other way.
Stadium mustard. The greatest mustard on earth. No question. Well, actually, here's a question: Would I believe this if it was from New Hampshire or Texas or Ireland? Here’s my answer: Shut up.
The Dawg Pound. A bunch of drunk fat dudes that are stuck in the '80s. It's sad and played-out, yet nostalgic and charming. Long live the Dawg Pound.
John Adams. A dude, the team he loves and his drum. Win or lose, the man is there showing his passion. Take your modern music and shove it in your ear. Need a run? Pound the drum. Simple. Pure. Mustache.
Complaining. OK, so it's not unique to Cleveland, per se, but nothing makes a real Cleveland fan happier. When the Browns lose, we discuss it for at least 40 minutes of every lunch hour every day until the next game. After they win? That stat dips. Booooring! Do you have lengthy Cavs discussions with people? No—not unless you are talking about why you are worried or mad or why LeBron will or won’t leave. Winning isn’t interesting fodder. Losing is. This makes us at least 10 percent more interesting than someone from a winning town. And I’d rather be an interesting loser than a dull winner.
(See? Now THAT is how you fight back at someone calling you miserable. Agree with them and then show them why it makes you a better person. Go teams.)
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