"It ain't despair that gets you; it's the hope." -- Todd Snider in "Big Finish"
The 2012 NBA Draft told me a lot about myself. I had studied this draft for months because I love drafts. I do this every year for all drafts because our teams always suck. Our teams all suck, but drafts hold that promise of the next team. This next team that doesn't exist and might not suck. That's my favorite team. Teams in reality lose. During the draft, the Browns and Cavs (and Indians, kinda) can be front and center, bring hope and cannot lose. This is all appealing.
But then the 2012 NBA Draft happens. Much like the 2012 NFL Draft, I disagreed with what my team did. I hated the pick. We lost the draft! How is this possible?! I just said that we can't lose it!
As time passed, after sending my usual barrage of snarky tweets out into the world, I finally breathed and examined my thoughts. Why am I mad exactly?.... Well, we traded three of our picks for a white stiff center named Tyler. .... But I kind of wanted Tyler before the draft started, and I felt we should use all of those extra picks to move up and take a guy like Tyler. ....So that isn't it .... Well we took Dion Waiters at No. 4. That was a terrible pick and it made me just hate on everything .... But I kind of wanted a Waiters type player before the draft. I wanted an explosive, athletic wing that is tough and plays hard .... And the analysts were all in love with this guy, so shouldn't I be happy?..... Well, I wanted two SPECIFIC wings; I wanted Bradley Beal or Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. .... But those guys were already picked. ....So how is that the fucking Cavs' fault? Because they didn't trade up? .... Maybe..... But maybe they couldn't. ....
So let's get this straight: The guys I wanted were gone and the Cavs filled the two biggest needs of the offseason the best way they could among the available players and assets they had. And I was mad? Cleveland sports give me enough to be mad about, do I really need to be manufacturing another one? If I walked into this draft with no preconceived notions, I probably would have felt satisfied.
The problem is the set point. Let me explain the little I know about set points and pretend I'm smart: If I tell you a random number - like 70 - and then I ask you a dumb question that you don't intuitively know - like what's the percentage of commercially successful Adam Sandler movies - your answer will be relatively close to 70 percent. If I tell another person a different random number - like 10 - and ask the same Sandler question - that person's guess will be closer to 10 percent. Even though that random number has nothing to do with anything, your mind uses it as a set point, whether you know it or not. This is true because I just read it in a book.
Essentially: People are stupid. I spend all year reading mock drafts, "studying" the available players for my teams, and taking in the thoughts of the "experts." Who might my team take? What are our needs? How will PLAYER X fit these needs? Even if it's all based on nothing -- having rarely watched any of these guys actually play their sport -- I am internalizing all of this shit. It could all be written by an autistic first grader, but it is establishing a set point. THE CAVS MUST TAKE MKG OR BEAL. IF THEY DON'T, THEY SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE HARRISON BARNES. BARNES. HARRISON BARNES. BRADLEY BEAL. MKG. MKG. MKG. MKG BARNES. BEAL. BARNES. BEAL
....
....
WHO THE FUCK IS DION WAITERS?!?!!?
The anger isn't based on anything. I just hadn't read his name a million times. At this point in reality he's really no different than MKG or Barnes - they are all unproven rookies with upside - but I read the names Beal, Gilchrist and Barnes a lot. Set point. Waiters was too far past my set point. It's disturbing that I didn't even really want Barnes. I didn't like what I read about him. But I read about him, so that's what really mattered, in the end.
Here's another problem: All of these draft dreams create unrealistic expectations, which then become their own set points. I've already dreamed of the possibilities of these future teams and what they can achieve -- again, based on nothing other than my desire for these futures to happen -- and so when they logically do not happen, I am pissed. Always. Set point. What ends up happening, sometimes, isn't really that bad, but it didn't hit the high bar that I set. It fell short of the set point.
Alls I'm saying is Cleveland sports suck enough already -- we don't need to make things worse.
Our day dreams and visions of grandeur are counter productive. We have the highest set point on our minds at all time -- a championship. We are fucking obsessed. And when our teams reasonably do not live up to that (because all teams other than one do not live up that every year) we feel bad. We pat ourselves on the back because we're always "waiting for next year" and "always have that hope" and we are "believeland" but that's our ultimate problem because it's manufacturing a false reality, based on nothing, that will inevitably leave us more depressed than we would have been if we were just realistic.
Don't hope for tomorrow. We will suck. Get it in your heads. Set points.
... Who knows. Maybe someday we won't suck and then it will exceed this low set point and we'll be jacked up about it. ... Yea, someday we might have a team that puts it together and wins us a championship. .... Hmmmm, I bet Dion Waiters and Kyire Irving, given enough time, could get there...it's definitely a good foundation....add in another draft ...hmmmmmm....
Go Teams.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Is this a right and just world? The Cool Hand Luke parable
"'Nothing' is a pretty cool hand to play" -- Paul Newman
"It'd be pretty cool to win a hand. Ever." -- Chris Crowell
I just watched the movie Cool Hand Luke for the first time while drinking some Wright Pils(es), and I'm going to write about it while listening to the Tribe game. Cool Hand Luke is a movie from 1967 starring Paul Newman. Yea, it's been around awhile (and if you don't want Cool Hand Luke spoiled for you ... hop into a time machine). Anyway, Luke is a cool dude. He's charismatic, and he's got that suave graying hair that cool dudes get when they get older. He even wears a bottle opener around his neck, which is the coolest thing ever, just to prove how god damn fucking cool he is. Also: He's a war veteran (you get the idea he's seen some shit), and his mom eventually dies (he sings and cries a tear about it). So, he's cool, but he's got a past and feels shit. The ultimate combo.
Coolness only goes so far though, and Luke isn't that excited about his rural life. So, he acts out. The movie basically starts with him being cool -- drinking beers while cutting the tops off parking meters (Stick it to the man! Fuck parking meters!) and very quickly he's arrested and made part of a chain gang. From there, he and a bunch of low lifes, scallywags and closeted homosexuals have to live together, shave roadside grass together and basically pass life together until their sentences are up. Could be a few years; could be half a lifetime. And just in case you are wondering, cutting the tops off parking meters apparently gets you two years. TWO YEARS! Anyway, whatever -- Luke is in there with all these dudes for awhile, and it sucks.
Ol' Luke though, boy howdy, does he ever make it interesting. All the captives bond, and it's because Luke brings them together. Sure, they are prisoners, and they have few day-to-day joys, but they make the most of it, god damn it. They try to accomplish tedious prison work at a faster pace, just to see the looks on the guards' faces! They box each other! They have egg eating contests! They play cards for low stakes! They have fun group shower sessions! Seriously, it looks like the best vacation you've never taken with the best dirty friends you've never had.
Man, life is sweet in the chain gang. Anything is possible. When Luke attempts to escape during the movie, it's a foregone conclusion he will make it, and then, we assume, he will help everyone else escape and they will all live in the same neighborhood, join a local Elks Club, raise hell, bang broads and high five until their hands hurt.
Bottom line: The success of LeBron James is NOT equivalent in any way to the amount of hate he receives. These things are mutually exclusive. He's a fucking basketball terminator. He can do everything on offense. He can guard every position on defense -- relentlessly. He sees the floor like the best point guards in the game. He can control the game like maybe only five guys in the history of the game. I know all of this. I knew all of this. I hoped for all of this when we drafted the guy when he was a wide-eyed, scrawny 18 year old. The fact that he delivered on this promise is in no way shocking.
Here's the problem though, dicks, and why I will remain bitter until they have to tear the wine and gold foam finger off my cold dead hand: HE LEFT! HE QUIT ON US! THAT'S WHY I WAS MAD BEFORE! THAT'S WHY I'M STILL BITTER! THAT'S WHY I WILL ALWAYS BE BITTER! AND HE WON THE FUCKING THING, NOT WITH A SUPER TEAM, BUT WITH A BROKEN DOWN SHITTY ONE THAT IS COMPARABLE TO HIS TEAMS IN CLEVELAND! WTF! WTF!!! WTF!!!
So Luke was a pretty cool dude, but the thing of it is, Luke's ass was in prison. There was no escape. Believe me, he tried like eight times. Every time you think he's free and clear the bosses catch his ass. In the end, you REALLY think he makes it. For real this time. He's out! Freedom!!!
However, he has a sarcastic conversation with a god he doesn't believe in, and then suddenly he's surrounded by cops again, gets shot and is driven off in a cop car while dying. The end.
Here's the thing though: After he gets shot, his buddy beats up a mean cop, and the mean cop gets his trademark sunglasses run over by a car. It's a cool moment. Also, as Luke is being driven away with a bullet in his neck, he is smiling a wry smile. Good ol' Luke. This is because even though Luke bled to death, he went out on his terms. He wasn't going to let this shitty, oppressive life keep him down. He was going to find ultimate happiness in this life or die, and, by god, he did. He died. Luke is a cool dude like that.
Here's the thing though: Luke fucking died. Make no mistake about it -- cool sonuvabitch smile or not -- that is the smile of a dead man. He didn't really win. Seeing it outside the story, as omnipresent viewers, he might have won (or at least avoided eating a pile of shit), but did he really? In a movie, he's a champ. In whatever backfuck town he lived in, he's a dead nobody that couldn't escape his fate (He had to do TWO YEARS). Luke didn't believe in god, so there is no assumed afterlife glory in this story. He just lived his life, and then he died because he was frustrated. Luke was a cool dude, but he lost.
Alls I'm saying is, if you're a Cleveland fan, don't smile in the cop car. FROWN as hard as you can. Fuck that cop's sunglasses. Either we escape and win, or we die bitter and bleeding to death with no other meaning.
... The Tribe won tonight, by the way. ... That's cool... Go Tribe, and Go Cavs.
"It'd be pretty cool to win a hand. Ever." -- Chris Crowell
I just watched the movie Cool Hand Luke for the first time while drinking some Wright Pils(es), and I'm going to write about it while listening to the Tribe game. Cool Hand Luke is a movie from 1967 starring Paul Newman. Yea, it's been around awhile (and if you don't want Cool Hand Luke spoiled for you ... hop into a time machine). Anyway, Luke is a cool dude. He's charismatic, and he's got that suave graying hair that cool dudes get when they get older. He even wears a bottle opener around his neck, which is the coolest thing ever, just to prove how god damn fucking cool he is. Also: He's a war veteran (you get the idea he's seen some shit), and his mom eventually dies (he sings and cries a tear about it). So, he's cool, but he's got a past and feels shit. The ultimate combo.
Coolness only goes so far though, and Luke isn't that excited about his rural life. So, he acts out. The movie basically starts with him being cool -- drinking beers while cutting the tops off parking meters (Stick it to the man! Fuck parking meters!) and very quickly he's arrested and made part of a chain gang. From there, he and a bunch of low lifes, scallywags and closeted homosexuals have to live together, shave roadside grass together and basically pass life together until their sentences are up. Could be a few years; could be half a lifetime. And just in case you are wondering, cutting the tops off parking meters apparently gets you two years. TWO YEARS! Anyway, whatever -- Luke is in there with all these dudes for awhile, and it sucks.
Ol' Luke though, boy howdy, does he ever make it interesting. All the captives bond, and it's because Luke brings them together. Sure, they are prisoners, and they have few day-to-day joys, but they make the most of it, god damn it. They try to accomplish tedious prison work at a faster pace, just to see the looks on the guards' faces! They box each other! They have egg eating contests! They play cards for low stakes! They have fun group shower sessions! Seriously, it looks like the best vacation you've never taken with the best dirty friends you've never had.
Man, life is sweet in the chain gang. Anything is possible. When Luke attempts to escape during the movie, it's a foregone conclusion he will make it, and then, we assume, he will help everyone else escape and they will all live in the same neighborhood, join a local Elks Club, raise hell, bang broads and high five until their hands hurt.
*****
Fuck LeBron James. Let's just get that out there. I'm mixing in some praise here, and I want my main message to be clear. Fuck him. For life.
The guy won an NBA championship the other day. This is now a fact of life and an unsurprising one if you have two eyes and a brain. OK, one eye and a brain. OK, even Helen Keller (even though she isn't real) would assume No. 6 would win a championship at some point. Seriously, the asshole is a THREE TIME
MVP of the league. Translation: He better fucking win a championship. It
would literally be unprecedented if he didn't. In the NBA, the
best players win championships at some point. The otherwordly players
win several, and No. 6 is otherworldly. He is. I'm serious. Let me be
clear here: This. Was. Never. Up. For. Debate. Dude is/was/will be
awesome at basketball and has more talent in his left nut than anyone in the league.
As much as people (myself included because it was just so much god
damn fun) got swept up in the
dumb-fuck national media's narratives about LeBron being a choke artist and all of
that, that was never the real reason to hate this guy. I watched the guy come up clutch, and so did everyone else if they had memory past yesterday. He was the best player in the world in the playoffs in 2009 -- but Mo Williams couldn't hit a jump shot and we lost to Orlando. He dragged the worst cast of characters of all time to the NBA Finals in 2007 -- but they met a vastly superior team in the San Antonio Spurs (thanks for falling to the young gun, in-over-their-heads OKC Thunder this year, Spurs!). But now he has finally won a title so ... what? I'm supposed to not hate him? What does that have to do with anything? How does this make any sense?
Out here in real Cleveland fan world, nothing has changed about this story except the level of depression. No. 6 finally did it, and it wasn't in Cleveland, and I'm sad about it. Legit -- this is depressing. I watched most of the games in the NBA playoffs, but I could not watch the final game. I read a book and fell asleep at 10 p.m because I was so depressed about what I knew was going to happen. I could not see him lift the trophy and celebrate or even prepare to do so. In a right and just world, we draft this hometown guy, he eats undeserved pile of shit after undeserved pile of shit until he finally figures it out and wins the title for his own redemption and for the redemption of his hometown fans. Oh how sweet that was going to be. We all hate eating shit! Let's stop eating it together! But no. The 2012 champs are (is?) the Miami Heat. Led by a coward who left his team to try and form a super one.
Bottom line: The success of LeBron James is NOT equivalent in any way to the amount of hate he receives. These things are mutually exclusive. He's a fucking basketball terminator. He can do everything on offense. He can guard every position on defense -- relentlessly. He sees the floor like the best point guards in the game. He can control the game like maybe only five guys in the history of the game. I know all of this. I knew all of this. I hoped for all of this when we drafted the guy when he was a wide-eyed, scrawny 18 year old. The fact that he delivered on this promise is in no way shocking.
Here's the problem though, dicks, and why I will remain bitter until they have to tear the wine and gold foam finger off my cold dead hand: HE LEFT! HE QUIT ON US! THAT'S WHY I WAS MAD BEFORE! THAT'S WHY I'M STILL BITTER! THAT'S WHY I WILL ALWAYS BE BITTER! AND HE WON THE FUCKING THING, NOT WITH A SUPER TEAM, BUT WITH A BROKEN DOWN SHITTY ONE THAT IS COMPARABLE TO HIS TEAMS IN CLEVELAND! WTF! WTF!!! WTF!!!
It could have happened here, but it didn't. It should have happened here, but it didn't. There are plenty of factors that I'm not going to rehash, but No. 6 took his terminator talents to South Beach and realized all of his gifts with another cast of low lifes and scallywags and closeted homosexuals.
But it's Cleveland. Lather, rinse, repeat, right? Did I expect a different result? Are you kidding? If Art Modell can move the Browns and win a Super Bowl within five years (or whatever it was; I'm not Googling Modell or Ravens) then any evil in this world is possible. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up tomorrow and find that the Catholic Church has been allowed to get away with child molestation for decades (wait, WHAT????). This isn't a right and just world. LeBron winning a title isn't an injustice; it is completely logical. Him winning it after shitting on our back? That's injustice.
But that's Cleveland.
******
So Luke was a pretty cool dude, but the thing of it is, Luke's ass was in prison. There was no escape. Believe me, he tried like eight times. Every time you think he's free and clear the bosses catch his ass. In the end, you REALLY think he makes it. For real this time. He's out! Freedom!!!
However, he has a sarcastic conversation with a god he doesn't believe in, and then suddenly he's surrounded by cops again, gets shot and is driven off in a cop car while dying. The end.
Here's the thing though: After he gets shot, his buddy beats up a mean cop, and the mean cop gets his trademark sunglasses run over by a car. It's a cool moment. Also, as Luke is being driven away with a bullet in his neck, he is smiling a wry smile. Good ol' Luke. This is because even though Luke bled to death, he went out on his terms. He wasn't going to let this shitty, oppressive life keep him down. He was going to find ultimate happiness in this life or die, and, by god, he did. He died. Luke is a cool dude like that.
Here's the thing though: Luke fucking died. Make no mistake about it -- cool sonuvabitch smile or not -- that is the smile of a dead man. He didn't really win. Seeing it outside the story, as omnipresent viewers, he might have won (or at least avoided eating a pile of shit), but did he really? In a movie, he's a champ. In whatever backfuck town he lived in, he's a dead nobody that couldn't escape his fate (He had to do TWO YEARS). Luke didn't believe in god, so there is no assumed afterlife glory in this story. He just lived his life, and then he died because he was frustrated. Luke was a cool dude, but he lost.
Alls I'm saying is, if you're a Cleveland fan, don't smile in the cop car. FROWN as hard as you can. Fuck that cop's sunglasses. Either we escape and win, or we die bitter and bleeding to death with no other meaning.
... The Tribe won tonight, by the way. ... That's cool... Go Tribe, and Go Cavs.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Cleveland 19, End of the world edition
The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Beltran? Barkley? ... Blech
Sure, I "worked" today, but when I woke up, I saw a tweet from Buster Olney from the previous night. "#Indians in on Beltran," he says. My mind races. I run through Twitter for any tidbits I can find. I go to the ESPN.com rumors page. I Google "Indians, Beltran" and get a bunch of stuff from the previous trading deadline, and a few random blogs discussing Olney's tweet. Fuuuuuuck! Something happen! Has my life changed yet? Will it change? Someone answer me!!!
Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!
Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.
Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?
.....
Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.
Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!
Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.
Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?
.....
Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tough?
Here's a phrase I'm done with: Cleveland fans, when asked about being Cleveland fans, will say, "it's tough." I hear it all the time. It's tough to be a Cleveland fan.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I hate LeBron James, but I'm not a racist (I swear!)
I'm a fan boy. Through and through. For example, I love Metallica. They can put out shitty albums and I will say "they were trying something different." They can attack everyone's beloved Napster and I will say "hey man, shouldn't musicians earn money for their art?" And so on.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day look at the skyline
Three games with Detroit coming up. Six point five games back. Most of the current every day lineup has traveled up I-71. The players that should be playing are limping around, arms in slings, holding their sides after stretching in the morning. We should all do ourselves a favor, put on our Gerard Warren jerseys and start bitching about all things orange and brown. It is Labor Day afterall - it was a good run! The Tribe gave us a ridiculously fun summer. Walk off wins and all that. Good times. But when I look up at the skyline, I see the Terminal Tower.... yup, this is still Cleveland, and those Good Times had to end at some point. And they have.
It might SEEM like there is STILL THAT CHANCE left because of these games with Detroit and because SIZEMORE IS BACK today and we brought fucking god damn Jim Thome back and we have some good starters and a good bullpen ... but it would just be healthier to officially tone down our great big Chief Wahoo grins.
I'm making this announcement today because, more than anything, I need to make myself believe this. Waking up to see the tweet: "Grady Sizemore is batting leadoff" and knowing that a sweep would put us 3.5 games back with a ton of games to play leads my mind to wander. I'm easily tantalized, but not really because there is a real reason to believe - nothing factual, nothing solid - it's only because I so desperately want to believe. This season was just too special and fun to believe that it's going to end with such a thud. We were 30-15 and had the world by the balls. We swung a huge deadline deal and acquired the biggest prize on the market. We even brought back fucking, god damn Jim Thome, just to add that extra prodigal son, heart-warming, homecoming storyline. Aw, nice. Like Lofton in 2007, but with more bitterness.
Sure, the entire team has been on the DL this year, BUT we were able to kind of tread water without them. So WHEN they come back, we will REALLY turn it on! See, look! Grady's back... and Kipnis is supposed to be back this week ... and I hear Pronk is ahead of schedule ... and I'm sure Choo will be back soon too ......
No. Stop it. This is why I'm writing this. I've gone through that laundry list at least 10 different times this year, re-talking myself into a team that had already died. This season might have felt like a lucky, charmed, fluke of a season when there were few expectations in April, but now when you look at it, and you see the entire team out with injuries (and even when they come back, they get hurt fucking stretching. STRETCHING! Seriously, WTF is an oblique and why the hell do ours suck so bad?!) you realize this season had just as much, if not more, bad luck. So many should haves and could haves and what ifs. Honestly, what would the Tigers look like without their top four hitters? I'll tell you - they'd be GOD AWFUL. Not enough is being made about how banged up the Tribe has been, and yet how close they still are. Somehow we've avoided being GOD AWFUL, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the year, but the absence of GOD AWFUL doesn't print playoff tickets. But it has brewed false hope. A lot of it. I've been drunk on it all year. How drunk have I been on false hope? I started to believe Fausto Carmona "found it again." Jesus. That is not healthy. And that's why I'm writing this.
The true symbol of what I'm saying is Grady Sizemore. He's my guy. I have a shirt with his name on it. The dude, in a perfect world, could have been a top 5 player in all of baseball. However, not only is this NOT a perfect world - look up at the skyline again. If there ever was a comically imperfect, down right pathetic world, it would exist within stadiums on the shores of Lake Erie. Grady is the ultimate tantalizer. There is no reason for us to truly believe he's going to step back into the lineup and do anything. Earlier in the year he came off the DL (the second time) and sucked balls for weeks, until, of course, he looked like was turning it around and then went back on the DL. ..... I know that when he came off the DL THE FIRST TIME that he was unreal, smashing doubles the way he breaks hearts ...... but don't do it. Don't talk yourself into it. It's Labor Day, the team is 6.5 games back, the best players are in full body casts - it's time to talk yourself into Colt McCoy and Brian Robiskie, not Grady Sizemore.
If you doubt this thesis, even for a second, even if Grady smacks a double, and Asdrubal is up, and we're only 2 runs down, and we can chip into the Tiger's lead ... and if we can just win this one game, and then put Kipnis back in the lineup ... and then get Choo back in it .... and then if Masterson can match Verlander on Wednesday .... plus, we still play the Tigers three more times after this series ....
... Just take a deep breath and look at the skyline. Six point five games. That's a lot. In Cleveland, it's even more.
Go Tribe. Go Browns.
It might SEEM like there is STILL THAT CHANCE left because of these games with Detroit and because SIZEMORE IS BACK today and we brought fucking god damn Jim Thome back and we have some good starters and a good bullpen ... but it would just be healthier to officially tone down our great big Chief Wahoo grins.
I'm making this announcement today because, more than anything, I need to make myself believe this. Waking up to see the tweet: "Grady Sizemore is batting leadoff" and knowing that a sweep would put us 3.5 games back with a ton of games to play leads my mind to wander. I'm easily tantalized, but not really because there is a real reason to believe - nothing factual, nothing solid - it's only because I so desperately want to believe. This season was just too special and fun to believe that it's going to end with such a thud. We were 30-15 and had the world by the balls. We swung a huge deadline deal and acquired the biggest prize on the market. We even brought back fucking, god damn Jim Thome, just to add that extra prodigal son, heart-warming, homecoming storyline. Aw, nice. Like Lofton in 2007, but with more bitterness.
Sure, the entire team has been on the DL this year, BUT we were able to kind of tread water without them. So WHEN they come back, we will REALLY turn it on! See, look! Grady's back... and Kipnis is supposed to be back this week ... and I hear Pronk is ahead of schedule ... and I'm sure Choo will be back soon too ......
No. Stop it. This is why I'm writing this. I've gone through that laundry list at least 10 different times this year, re-talking myself into a team that had already died. This season might have felt like a lucky, charmed, fluke of a season when there were few expectations in April, but now when you look at it, and you see the entire team out with injuries (and even when they come back, they get hurt fucking stretching. STRETCHING! Seriously, WTF is an oblique and why the hell do ours suck so bad?!) you realize this season had just as much, if not more, bad luck. So many should haves and could haves and what ifs. Honestly, what would the Tigers look like without their top four hitters? I'll tell you - they'd be GOD AWFUL. Not enough is being made about how banged up the Tribe has been, and yet how close they still are. Somehow we've avoided being GOD AWFUL, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the year, but the absence of GOD AWFUL doesn't print playoff tickets. But it has brewed false hope. A lot of it. I've been drunk on it all year. How drunk have I been on false hope? I started to believe Fausto Carmona "found it again." Jesus. That is not healthy. And that's why I'm writing this.
The true symbol of what I'm saying is Grady Sizemore. He's my guy. I have a shirt with his name on it. The dude, in a perfect world, could have been a top 5 player in all of baseball. However, not only is this NOT a perfect world - look up at the skyline again. If there ever was a comically imperfect, down right pathetic world, it would exist within stadiums on the shores of Lake Erie. Grady is the ultimate tantalizer. There is no reason for us to truly believe he's going to step back into the lineup and do anything. Earlier in the year he came off the DL (the second time) and sucked balls for weeks, until, of course, he looked like was turning it around and then went back on the DL. ..... I know that when he came off the DL THE FIRST TIME that he was unreal, smashing doubles the way he breaks hearts ...... but don't do it. Don't talk yourself into it. It's Labor Day, the team is 6.5 games back, the best players are in full body casts - it's time to talk yourself into Colt McCoy and Brian Robiskie, not Grady Sizemore.
If you doubt this thesis, even for a second, even if Grady smacks a double, and Asdrubal is up, and we're only 2 runs down, and we can chip into the Tiger's lead ... and if we can just win this one game, and then put Kipnis back in the lineup ... and then get Choo back in it .... and then if Masterson can match Verlander on Wednesday .... plus, we still play the Tigers three more times after this series ....
... Just take a deep breath and look at the skyline. Six point five games. That's a lot. In Cleveland, it's even more.
Go Tribe. Go Browns.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bring back the blue seats
Here's the most depressing part about the 2011 Cavs: This might not be as bad as it gets.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Nope. I'm not watching.
Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
****
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Cleveland 19 or A Stack of Turds
The Cleveland 19 is a tradition I started around 2007. I wanted to rank the most important athletes in the city at that time. It was fun for a debate during an oh-so-fun time in Cleveland sports. The Indians won the World Series (in my mind at least ... F you CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee), the Cavs were in the NBA finals and the lowly Browns rose up and won 10 games. Yes sir, things were turning around in the city and the Cleveland 19 showed why. Lots of stars, hope and promise on that list.
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Worst.
No fuss, no muss, here it is: This is the worst era in the history of Cleveland sports. Period. Quickly, so as not to prolong this miserable rumination, let's have a brief overview of where we're at:
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
- The Cavs are currently the worst basketball team on planet earth. Our scores are so lopsided, scientists believe it moved the Earth off its axis.
- Why do we suck? Our hometown savior dumped us on national TV for another team, leaving behind a collection of gutless losers.
- That same guy that back-stabbed us, who we now hate, is on the best team in basketball and looks like he's on his way to 10 MVPs and 8 NBA titles. He, of course, was too gutless to win one of those titles while in Cleveland. Not exactly an exclusive club.
- Oh, and just for shits and giggles, Anderson Varejao is out for the year. No doubt this injury will end his career.
- You know why I think it will end his career? See: Hafner, Travis; Sizemore, Grady.
- OK, both of those guys are still technically playing baseball. But still.
- I mean, seriously, Hafner has been a wimp for three years because he has a "tired shoulder." WTF!
- Oh, and the Indians might be the worst team in Major League Baseball. Sure, we have some promising young talent, but by the time they become decent, they will be traded or signed by another team. It's no one's fault. Major League Baseball is just set up so that we will constantly fail. That's all. No biggie.
- We're starting this year with no third baseman. For real.
- One of our best starting pitchers can't get left handers out. Other than that he's awesome.
- One last note on the Tribe. Last year we brought up our best prospect. And he delivered for us. And then he snapped his femur. Or something like that. Doesn't matter.
- The Browns might not be the worst team in the NFL, but they are close.
- We have a dude in the organization who has coached a team to a Super Bowl victory. ... he's not our coach. Neither is Gruden or Cowher or John Fox.
- Our new coach is some butt fuck named Pat.
- The Browns did have a decent year this year though. Steps forward. At least it felt that way, right?
- We were 5-11.
- Last weekend, the Steelers, the Ravens, Bill Belichick and Braylon Edwards were all in the running for the Super Bowl.
- Now it's just Braylon Edwards and the Steelers.
- No doubt the Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
- Oh, and not to linger on this Steelers thing, but I was at my local Giant Eagle here in Stow the other day. I was grocery shopping and minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a giant display of baked goods painted in black and yellow (not gold). The sign on the display said: "Go Steelers." Here in my local Giant Eagle. Here in Ohio. It's bad enough that we suck. It's bad enough that the team I hate more than any other is always good -- but does it need to be shoved in my fucking face while trying to buy a loaf of bread? Go Steelers??? Really??? This only happens to Browns fans. Red Sox fans don't have to worry about seeing "Go Yankees" signs at their local grocery store; Packers fans won't encounter any Go Bears signs this week while walking down the street. And you sure as hell won't see any Browns shit in Pittsburgh. Nope. Just another thing that makes rooting for Cleveland sports so special and great.
- And so on
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
From a Cleveland fan perspective, 2010 might have been the worst year ever. Seriously, all of our teams stunk, we blew our chance at a championship and we lost No.6 to Miami. What's next? Bob Feller dying? ... See! 2010 was terrible! The real problem is it's just the beginning. 2011 will suck even more. That's a fact.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
- Art Modell - Seriously, you moved the F'ing Browns out of Cleveland? I don't care how many reasons you had and how many years pass, it's still shocking. I will gladly piss on your grave when you die. [Highest vote total]
- That Other Player in Miami - No grace period. I hate you for life.
- John Elway - Death to you, those 98 yards and your gigantic gums.
- Jose Mesa - Saves records are fun for a couple days or so, but blown saves in Game 7 last a lifetime. I know Tony Fernandez is perhaps more to blame here, but his home run pushed us to the World Series, and he's a good dude. He gets a pass. Sorry. This is your legacy. You fail The Name Test of the hall. When your name is said, fans cringe. That's important.
- Carlos Boozer - Stabbed a blind man in the back.
- Bill Belichick - Glad you got ALLLLLL the kinks out of your coaching style here in Cleveland before you figured it out and won 3 Super Bowls. Get cancer and die.
- CC Sabathia - Much of this comes from his idiotic comments since joining NY. Comments are a big factor in Hall consideration. It's much more lasting than simply joining another team and fading away. You're a douchebag CC. May your next jumbo chili dog be your last.
- Frank Lane - Infamously traded Rocky Colavito and other great Indians players. And there aren't built-in excuses to fall back on like the small market or inequities in the game. His moves are so legendarily despised that he has to be in the Hall of Fame.
- Michael Jordan - If for no other reason than because we have to see The Shot every day for the rest of our lives. He was legitimately the only thing standing in between those Cavs team and a title, as well. What luck.
- Craig Counsel - I know Renteria got the hit ... but seeing this little puke running and jumping and scoring the run is etched in my brain for good.
- Jim Thome - Here's what separates Thome from Belle and Ramirez in my eyes - Dude acted like he was different. He constantly said how he'd be here for life and the entire city bought it. The Tribe front office even offered him a ton of money (and a statue in front of the Jake among other perks), but it wasn't enough. It actually turned out to be a good thing because we couldn't afford that contract looking back, but still ... F him.
- Ted Stepien - An owner who made moves so dumb the NBA had to step in and stop him, and create a rule (that is named after him) to prevent him from making more dumb moves. When people wander the streets aimlessly and say things like "...only in Cleveland..." this is what they mean.
- Braylon Edwards - I don't think this is premature. I think Edwards gets inducted because of his failures here and his rhetoric afterward. I'm also heaping the last 10 years of Browns futility (Tim Couch, Gerard Warren, Butch Davis, Willie Green, Ben Gay, etc.) on him.
- Ray Lewis - We need a Raven for the inaugural draft class, and he is the ultimate Raven.
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
- Ben Roethlisberger - There's something hateable about all Steelers players, obviously, but Ben really forced his way into this list. [rimshot]
- Hines Ward - Dude epitomized the Steelers in this last era of dominance. He gets in the Punch in the Face exhibit because of that smile, but his consistent excellent play gets him inducted into the Hall.
- Lynn Swann - Never saw the guy play, so I have no smarmy comment. But he can eat shit for his sideline reporting.
- Franco Harris - You don't need to have lived to see the guy play to know his legacy of being a bitch.
- Bill Cowher - A traitor of the highest order. Had Browns in his blood and then went to Pittsburgh and turned them back into an annual contender. Burn in hell
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 2, 2010
I was sitting in my living room, listening to the TV, checking my e-mail and conversing with Hannah before trying to do some work. Then, out of nowhere:
"I really think tomorrow night is the most important Cleveland sporting event of my lifetime," I said, kind of to Hannah, but mostly just to the universe at-large.
Hannah questioned me on this statement. Sure, the whole RETURN OF LEBRON!!! storyline is interesting and emotional and all that, but is it more important than all of those other "Most Important Games Ever" that I've watched and been let down by?
Yes. Game 7s, AFC championship games, NBA playoffs — those are all experiences had by any number of teams every year. The hunt for a title is definitely thrilling, but it's not entirely unique. December 2, 2010, is unique. It's our moment and ours alone.
Just what is this moment? It's a moment born entirely from The Decision — all of the failure, embarrassment and bitterness that was wrapped into that TV show. Those aren't new feelings around these parts, but The Decision re-imagined all of them. Gave them new life. December 2, 2010, is the fallout of that moment.
December 2, 2010, is the most important game in my lifetime because, at it's core, it encapsulates the narrative of Cleveland. Here's the scrappy team that was left behind versus the hyped-up, super team, starring the guy that pulled our pants down in front of the whole school. America's favorite punch line versus America. Cleveland never gets a chance to make fun of another city's polluted river; Cleveland never gets the chance to look down on other cities that rank on "Most Miserable Places on Earth" lists. December 2, 2010, is a chance to do that, I think.
December 2, 2010, can be about us. And I'm not saying "this is our moment to show everyone how great and classy we are!" No. F that. Cleveland has a chance to make someone else a punchline; to make someone else look like a buffoon. We can get the last laugh for a change!
I honestly hope a crazy fan attacks LeBron tomorrow. I hope the national media gets another reason to fart on Cleveland's head. Good. That's how it should be. Screw them. December 2, 2010, isn't about playing nice or making friends. This is Cleveland's unique moment in time, and the most important sporting event of my lifetime — with the nation watching — so why waste it by merely booing and cheering? Let's go set a fucking river on fire! And then throw LeBron in it!! Who's with me?!
Go Cavs!
"I really think tomorrow night is the most important Cleveland sporting event of my lifetime," I said, kind of to Hannah, but mostly just to the universe at-large.
Hannah questioned me on this statement. Sure, the whole RETURN OF LEBRON!!! storyline is interesting and emotional and all that, but is it more important than all of those other "Most Important Games Ever" that I've watched and been let down by?
Yes. Game 7s, AFC championship games, NBA playoffs — those are all experiences had by any number of teams every year. The hunt for a title is definitely thrilling, but it's not entirely unique. December 2, 2010, is unique. It's our moment and ours alone.
Just what is this moment? It's a moment born entirely from The Decision — all of the failure, embarrassment and bitterness that was wrapped into that TV show. Those aren't new feelings around these parts, but The Decision re-imagined all of them. Gave them new life. December 2, 2010, is the fallout of that moment.
December 2, 2010, is the most important game in my lifetime because, at it's core, it encapsulates the narrative of Cleveland. Here's the scrappy team that was left behind versus the hyped-up, super team, starring the guy that pulled our pants down in front of the whole school. America's favorite punch line versus America. Cleveland never gets a chance to make fun of another city's polluted river; Cleveland never gets the chance to look down on other cities that rank on "Most Miserable Places on Earth" lists. December 2, 2010, is a chance to do that, I think.
December 2, 2010, can be about us. And I'm not saying "this is our moment to show everyone how great and classy we are!" No. F that. Cleveland has a chance to make someone else a punchline; to make someone else look like a buffoon. We can get the last laugh for a change!
I honestly hope a crazy fan attacks LeBron tomorrow. I hope the national media gets another reason to fart on Cleveland's head. Good. That's how it should be. Screw them. December 2, 2010, isn't about playing nice or making friends. This is Cleveland's unique moment in time, and the most important sporting event of my lifetime — with the nation watching — so why waste it by merely booing and cheering? Let's go set a fucking river on fire! And then throw LeBron in it!! Who's with me?!
Go Cavs!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Deconstructing Hillis
The sports scene in Cleveland has some problems right now. That's maybe the most non-bold statement ever written. But here's a bold one: Nothing epitomizes how bad it is more than Peyton Hillis! (Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa)
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
It might be dumb that I'm bummed that Hillis is white (and it's probably really dumb that I'm making it reflect on our entire sports scene right now). If this was Montario Hardesty, and he had the exact same games Hillis has had, I'd probably be excited. But I can't get passed it. Hillis is a big white dude, which, inherently limits him at the position, does it not? There's a reason I could make those killer jokes about old-timey things earlier. It's true. White running backs became obsolete as feature backs because over the course of a season, they can't get the job done. I mean, right? Isn't Red Grange on display in the Museum of Natural History?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Here's the facts as I see it. He is a valuable team asset who gets tough yards and punishes the other team. Which is great! I love that! He can definitely have the same level of success as Mike Alstott. That's why I like Hillis. But if I'm watching a team where Mike Alstott is the best player, it makes me want to drink shots of Drain-O. And that's what I'm watching.
Hillis falls into the Casey Blake Theory, and you can't tell me different.
We all remember Casey Blake -- the dude with the cool beard and the big chin who was a mediocre third baseman for the Tribe. Blake became a lightning rod of hate for fans after awhile, and it wasn't because he was a disastrous player (well at least not right away). He wasn't terrible, he was just an average dude on a meager salary that played hard. However, Blake started batting fifth and third in the lineup when he should have been batting eighth or ninth. Batting higher than he should have put him in bigger spots to drive in runs. This wasn't his fault, but fans hated him for not driving in enough runs. That shouldn't have been his role. Being white isn't Hillis' fault either, and neither is the large role he has on the team. But at some point, Hillis' shortcomings will show up. And if they don't, then maybe President Herbert Hoover will attend a game.
I mean .... right?
I mean .... right?
In a vacuum, I like Hillis. In the context of our sports scene right now, and on this Browns team, the idea of him makes me sad. Although, the day I officially declared him overrated, the Baltimore game, he ran for 144 yards and we almost won. And I did it the next week too, and he played well and we won.
So .... like I said .... dude's overrated.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Bold statement: The Tribe is the closest to a title
Well, it’s that time of year where all of Cleveland gets pumped to get let down by the Browns while a small smattering of fans still silently wallow in an Indians depression and drink themselves to sleep. Even the most ardent Indians apologists – like myself – have to admit the team is pathetic right now.
BOLD STATEMENT ALERT!! However, I maintain that the Tribe is the closest Cleveland team to a title. GASP! How can I say this? On what grounds??
Glad you asked ...
Historical precedence:
• The Tribe is bad this year, not unlike how bad the team was in 2002 (74-88) and 2003 (68-94), the last time the team was gutted and rebuilt. By 2005 though, we won 93 games. In 2007, we won 96 and were outs away from the World Series. That may have been a miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime event, but it happened, and it shows that the Dolan/Shapiro Indians have turned things around to near title contention quickly after a pathetic patch of baseball.
• Despite the hope surrounding the Holmgren era, there’s no evidence to show the Browns are closer to a title now than in any other year during this last decade of nothingness. Teams in the NFL can turn around quickly, but still, this is the F’ing Browns, and our mini-2007 run at the playoffs notwithstanding, I’ll believe it when I see it.
• The Cavs? We went to the finals ONCE. And it was with the talents of That Other Player in Miami on the team. Those talents, if I'm not mistaken, are in South Beach, and there's no reason to believe the Cavs will ever get close again without him. Gilbert is an owner willing to sell his grandmother into sex slavery to win a title, but until there is some positive team-building minus No. 6, there's no reason to give them an edge over the Tribe, a team that's contended on rags and a small payroll in the recent past.
MLB v NFL v NBA
• Baseball takes its lumps because it rewards the rich teams and poops in the mouth of the mid-market teams. However, a mid-market team that drafts well, trades its veterans well and has a plan to blend all of its young talent together at the right time always has a chance. The window might be smaller, and it might be less fun, but it’s a window, and it can happen out of nowhere—like Tampa Bay the last few years and San Diego this year (or not at all ... sorry Pirates fans).
The minor league system allows a team to constantly tinker and work toward improvement, and we can all watch and get excited about what might be. Prospects are a gamble, and sometimes (OK, often) I get stupidly excited (like when I was pumped for Trevor Crowe in 2006), but it’s a tangible reason to hope. In baseball, the team's next superstar is actually in the organization, developing. In the other sports, a team's future rests in mock drafts or trade rumors.
• With the NFL, things turn on a dime. Spend money on a free agent and he tears every ligament in his knee on the first snap of the preseason, gets staph infection and dies. The hard salary cap and short shelf life of many players makes continuity difficult. Teams come out of nowhere to succeed in any given year, but those teams often disappear just as quickly. It's much more difficult to forecast the future of an NFL team.
• In the NBA, if you don’t have a superstar, you’re totally screwed. And the only way to get one is to draft one high in the draft. The only way to do that is to suck really bad. And even then, the dude you draft might be an over-sized goof who gets his penis exposed on the Internet while recovering from multiple knew surgeries (sorry Greg Oden). Superstars normally stay with the team that drafts them because of how the NBA is setup. That old adage might be changing, with players taking their talents to other places and whatnot, but even if it is—no superstar is willing coming to Cleveland as a free agent. That much we know.
It’s very easy to be a middle-of-the-road NBA team, and the Cavs might be closer to middle-of-the-road than the Tribe, but they are no where near a title. At all. I dare say the Cavs are the furthest team from a title at this moment.
Playoff chances
• The Browns have to be better than the Steelers and the Ravens in any given year to guarantee a spot in the playoffs. And being better than those teams probably means beating them the four combined times we play them in a season. The Bengals are starting to shape up now too. That's a lot of muscle in one division. But say we get a wild card spot. Then the Browns have to beat three teams just to get to the Super Bowl. In the NFL playoffs, any fluky thing can happen. Luck is a huge factor. Bottom line, there have been XLIII Super Bowls. The Browns have had really good teams at various points during that timespan. We've never been in a Super Bowl. I need more than Jake Delhomme and Mike Holmgren to believe the Browns can get this done. Ever.
• The Cavs' division doesn't really matter. They have the best chance of squeaking into the playoffs in any given year because they are in the East. But squeaking into the NBA playoffs doesn't get a team very far, having to win three seven-game series to get to the championship—without a superstar. (The number one seed doesn't seem to get a team very far either.)
• The Tribe is in the Central Division. It is weaker than Travis Hafner's shoulder. The Tigers and White Sox trade years being mediocre, with neither showing any real team-building plan. The Twins usually are good, but not great, and certainly not rich. The Tribe only has to be better than these teams to make the playoffs. Oh, also, the Royals are a team.
From there, beat a team in a five-game series, another in a seven-game series, and it's time to play in the World Series. Definitely not easy, but it's the easiest of the three routes, I believe.
Team future
• The Cavs' future is impossible to predict because they have a large trade exception, and we’re not entirely sure how bad they will be. No.1-pick-level bad?
Having Gilbert helps, but throwing money at problems hasn’t helped the Knicks and I have as many titles as Mark Cuban. So, that’s no guarantee. Right now, as it stands, we’re pinning our hopes on Mo Williams, 34-year-old Antawn Jameson, JJ Hickson and Andy Varejao. Yikes.
• The Browns appear to be heading in the right direction. Holmgren seems to have a plan and our last draft looked decent. But we still have no QB. Jake Delhomme might be serviceable, but he’s not winning a Super Bowl. Colt McCoy looks like a young Charlie Frye. No QB means no shot. Until that changes, they are not winning a Super Bowl.
• The Tribe might lose 100 games this year, which, in a power ranking, would put them at the bottom of the three teams right now. But I still believe wins and losses this year do not paint a picture of this team’s future, which, unlike the Browns, exists in the organization already. Grady Sizemore and Carlos Santana are both out. Despite Grady’s poor play before the injury and Santana’s youth, those are significant injuries. Seriously, replace Pujols with Lou Marson and see how great the Cardinals look.
I hate to keep throwing my penny into the wishing well that is minor league baseball, but the Tribe still has several top prospects that haven't arrived in Cleveland. If the Indians loses 100 games with Choo, Sizemore, LaPorta, Santana, Cabrera, Weglarz, Chisenhall, Carassco, Carmona, Gomez, Rondon, White, Hagadone, Perez, Gardner, Knapp and so on (give or take a name or two), then I’ll officially give in and say they have no shot at contention and should fold the organization. But with baseball, and with the Tribe, in the Central Division, it’s smarter (and easier, I guess) to have a wider perspective, a longer view of the situation.
One hundred losses or not, I still see seeds that may blossom into a contender. And whether it’s how the leagues are setup or historical precedence, I just don’t see it the same way for our other teams.
There it is. The Tribe is the closest to a title. ... Drink up, everybody! First beers are on me. (Who's getting the next 19,000?)
BOLD STATEMENT ALERT!! However, I maintain that the Tribe is the closest Cleveland team to a title. GASP! How can I say this? On what grounds??
Glad you asked ...
Historical precedence:
• The Tribe is bad this year, not unlike how bad the team was in 2002 (74-88) and 2003 (68-94), the last time the team was gutted and rebuilt. By 2005 though, we won 93 games. In 2007, we won 96 and were outs away from the World Series. That may have been a miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime event, but it happened, and it shows that the Dolan/Shapiro Indians have turned things around to near title contention quickly after a pathetic patch of baseball.
• Despite the hope surrounding the Holmgren era, there’s no evidence to show the Browns are closer to a title now than in any other year during this last decade of nothingness. Teams in the NFL can turn around quickly, but still, this is the F’ing Browns, and our mini-2007 run at the playoffs notwithstanding, I’ll believe it when I see it.
• The Cavs? We went to the finals ONCE. And it was with the talents of That Other Player in Miami on the team. Those talents, if I'm not mistaken, are in South Beach, and there's no reason to believe the Cavs will ever get close again without him. Gilbert is an owner willing to sell his grandmother into sex slavery to win a title, but until there is some positive team-building minus No. 6, there's no reason to give them an edge over the Tribe, a team that's contended on rags and a small payroll in the recent past.
MLB v NFL v NBA
• Baseball takes its lumps because it rewards the rich teams and poops in the mouth of the mid-market teams. However, a mid-market team that drafts well, trades its veterans well and has a plan to blend all of its young talent together at the right time always has a chance. The window might be smaller, and it might be less fun, but it’s a window, and it can happen out of nowhere—like Tampa Bay the last few years and San Diego this year (or not at all ... sorry Pirates fans).
The minor league system allows a team to constantly tinker and work toward improvement, and we can all watch and get excited about what might be. Prospects are a gamble, and sometimes (OK, often) I get stupidly excited (like when I was pumped for Trevor Crowe in 2006), but it’s a tangible reason to hope. In baseball, the team's next superstar is actually in the organization, developing. In the other sports, a team's future rests in mock drafts or trade rumors.
• With the NFL, things turn on a dime. Spend money on a free agent and he tears every ligament in his knee on the first snap of the preseason, gets staph infection and dies. The hard salary cap and short shelf life of many players makes continuity difficult. Teams come out of nowhere to succeed in any given year, but those teams often disappear just as quickly. It's much more difficult to forecast the future of an NFL team.
• In the NBA, if you don’t have a superstar, you’re totally screwed. And the only way to get one is to draft one high in the draft. The only way to do that is to suck really bad. And even then, the dude you draft might be an over-sized goof who gets his penis exposed on the Internet while recovering from multiple knew surgeries (sorry Greg Oden). Superstars normally stay with the team that drafts them because of how the NBA is setup. That old adage might be changing, with players taking their talents to other places and whatnot, but even if it is—no superstar is willing coming to Cleveland as a free agent. That much we know.
It’s very easy to be a middle-of-the-road NBA team, and the Cavs might be closer to middle-of-the-road than the Tribe, but they are no where near a title. At all. I dare say the Cavs are the furthest team from a title at this moment.
Playoff chances
• The Browns have to be better than the Steelers and the Ravens in any given year to guarantee a spot in the playoffs. And being better than those teams probably means beating them the four combined times we play them in a season. The Bengals are starting to shape up now too. That's a lot of muscle in one division. But say we get a wild card spot. Then the Browns have to beat three teams just to get to the Super Bowl. In the NFL playoffs, any fluky thing can happen. Luck is a huge factor. Bottom line, there have been XLIII Super Bowls. The Browns have had really good teams at various points during that timespan. We've never been in a Super Bowl. I need more than Jake Delhomme and Mike Holmgren to believe the Browns can get this done. Ever.
• The Cavs' division doesn't really matter. They have the best chance of squeaking into the playoffs in any given year because they are in the East. But squeaking into the NBA playoffs doesn't get a team very far, having to win three seven-game series to get to the championship—without a superstar. (The number one seed doesn't seem to get a team very far either.)
• The Tribe is in the Central Division. It is weaker than Travis Hafner's shoulder. The Tigers and White Sox trade years being mediocre, with neither showing any real team-building plan. The Twins usually are good, but not great, and certainly not rich. The Tribe only has to be better than these teams to make the playoffs. Oh, also, the Royals are a team.
From there, beat a team in a five-game series, another in a seven-game series, and it's time to play in the World Series. Definitely not easy, but it's the easiest of the three routes, I believe.
Team future
• The Cavs' future is impossible to predict because they have a large trade exception, and we’re not entirely sure how bad they will be. No.1-pick-level bad?
Having Gilbert helps, but throwing money at problems hasn’t helped the Knicks and I have as many titles as Mark Cuban. So, that’s no guarantee. Right now, as it stands, we’re pinning our hopes on Mo Williams, 34-year-old Antawn Jameson, JJ Hickson and Andy Varejao. Yikes.
• The Browns appear to be heading in the right direction. Holmgren seems to have a plan and our last draft looked decent. But we still have no QB. Jake Delhomme might be serviceable, but he’s not winning a Super Bowl. Colt McCoy looks like a young Charlie Frye. No QB means no shot. Until that changes, they are not winning a Super Bowl.
• The Tribe might lose 100 games this year, which, in a power ranking, would put them at the bottom of the three teams right now. But I still believe wins and losses this year do not paint a picture of this team’s future, which, unlike the Browns, exists in the organization already. Grady Sizemore and Carlos Santana are both out. Despite Grady’s poor play before the injury and Santana’s youth, those are significant injuries. Seriously, replace Pujols with Lou Marson and see how great the Cardinals look.
I hate to keep throwing my penny into the wishing well that is minor league baseball, but the Tribe still has several top prospects that haven't arrived in Cleveland. If the Indians loses 100 games with Choo, Sizemore, LaPorta, Santana, Cabrera, Weglarz, Chisenhall, Carassco, Carmona, Gomez, Rondon, White, Hagadone, Perez, Gardner, Knapp and so on (give or take a name or two), then I’ll officially give in and say they have no shot at contention and should fold the organization. But with baseball, and with the Tribe, in the Central Division, it’s smarter (and easier, I guess) to have a wider perspective, a longer view of the situation.
One hundred losses or not, I still see seeds that may blossom into a contender. And whether it’s how the leagues are setup or historical precedence, I just don’t see it the same way for our other teams.
There it is. The Tribe is the closest to a title. ... Drink up, everybody! First beers are on me. (Who's getting the next 19,000?)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Seriously, No. 6, don't ever come back to Cleveland
Ok, he brought it up, so let's talk about it. If That Other Player in Miami ever, in a million years, ever came back to the Cavs—I would never, in a million years, ever root for him.
I'm the guy who openly admits he would root for a convicted animal rapist as long as he was wearing a Cleveland uniform. That's the job as a fan, to root for the laundry. Charles Manson just got signed as the Browns' punter? Awesome. Hope he does good. Dick Cheney is going to be the Indians' DH? Hope he drives in some runs!
But if No. 6 ever, in a million years, ever came back to play for Cleveland—hell, if he played for the F'ing Lake County Captains—I would refuse to support the team.
Yes, I said it. That's an occasion where hate trumps laundry. Would you root for Art Modell if he came back to be the president of the Browns? I mean, you'd root for the Browns, I guess, but you'd want Modell to get hit by a bus, right? Well, No. 6 would be playing for the Cavs. On the court. The only way for him to fail is for the team to fail. The conflict of interest is so great, I would honestly divorce from the team until he was gone. I'd never watch him play in our uniform again.
Never! F you, No. 6. You're a piece of shit. You may be joking about all of this and acting like it would be a cute story if you came back and played on our team some day, but it's not funny and it's not cute. It's F'ing disgusting. It makes me want to punch your throat even harder than I do now. And if I discussed how hard I already want to punch your throat with a physicist, I'd be told that it's A) impossible for me to ever punch that hard, and B) You can't disembowel someone from a punch to the throat. So, yeah, I'd want to punch you harder than THAT if you came back to the Cavs, you back-stabbing douchebag.
You just don't get it. You hated Cleveland when you were 5 years old, so you treat our fine city indifferently now. Well, how nice and myopic of you. Just another town to take your talents to, right? Wrong, you dumb shit! F you. Never once, in your professional life (which for us, started when you were 15) did we ever treat you less than a god. We loved you unconditionally. You could have murdered a room full of puppies when you were 16, but if you just stayed here in Cleveland and said you liked us, we wouldn't have cared. But guess what? You F'd us. And you couldn't have cared less. And you did it on F'ing national TV no less. So, if you ever do come back, it's not some sort of Disney fairy tale to us. It's an insult. It's an afterthought. It's you saying "F it, [No. 6] ain't got nothing better to do, so we're going back to Cleveland."
What's done is done. We shouldn't have loved you that much in the first place, and we know that now. You "hated" Cleveland because we stole your favorite stuffed animal when you were in kindergarten or something, and we know that now too. You never gave a shit about us. So, in turn, never, in a million years, ever will we love you again. Keep your talents in South Beach. Win titles. Or don't. Whatever. Just be sure to F off and stay out of Cleveland. That's all I want out of you for the next million or so years.
Go Cavs.
I'm the guy who openly admits he would root for a convicted animal rapist as long as he was wearing a Cleveland uniform. That's the job as a fan, to root for the laundry. Charles Manson just got signed as the Browns' punter? Awesome. Hope he does good. Dick Cheney is going to be the Indians' DH? Hope he drives in some runs!
But if No. 6 ever, in a million years, ever came back to play for Cleveland—hell, if he played for the F'ing Lake County Captains—I would refuse to support the team.
Yes, I said it. That's an occasion where hate trumps laundry. Would you root for Art Modell if he came back to be the president of the Browns? I mean, you'd root for the Browns, I guess, but you'd want Modell to get hit by a bus, right? Well, No. 6 would be playing for the Cavs. On the court. The only way for him to fail is for the team to fail. The conflict of interest is so great, I would honestly divorce from the team until he was gone. I'd never watch him play in our uniform again.
Never! F you, No. 6. You're a piece of shit. You may be joking about all of this and acting like it would be a cute story if you came back and played on our team some day, but it's not funny and it's not cute. It's F'ing disgusting. It makes me want to punch your throat even harder than I do now. And if I discussed how hard I already want to punch your throat with a physicist, I'd be told that it's A) impossible for me to ever punch that hard, and B) You can't disembowel someone from a punch to the throat. So, yeah, I'd want to punch you harder than THAT if you came back to the Cavs, you back-stabbing douchebag.
You just don't get it. You hated Cleveland when you were 5 years old, so you treat our fine city indifferently now. Well, how nice and myopic of you. Just another town to take your talents to, right? Wrong, you dumb shit! F you. Never once, in your professional life (which for us, started when you were 15) did we ever treat you less than a god. We loved you unconditionally. You could have murdered a room full of puppies when you were 16, but if you just stayed here in Cleveland and said you liked us, we wouldn't have cared. But guess what? You F'd us. And you couldn't have cared less. And you did it on F'ing national TV no less. So, if you ever do come back, it's not some sort of Disney fairy tale to us. It's an insult. It's an afterthought. It's you saying "F it, [No. 6] ain't got nothing better to do, so we're going back to Cleveland."
What's done is done. We shouldn't have loved you that much in the first place, and we know that now. You "hated" Cleveland because we stole your favorite stuffed animal when you were in kindergarten or something, and we know that now too. You never gave a shit about us. So, in turn, never, in a million years, ever will we love you again. Keep your talents in South Beach. Win titles. Or don't. Whatever. Just be sure to F off and stay out of Cleveland. That's all I want out of you for the next million or so years.
Go Cavs.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Cleveland sports forecast 2010-2011: The quest for .500
It's been almost a month since LeBetrayal. And LeBitterness is still palpable, but LeReality is setting in about the Cleveland sports scene. Grab a helmet or bite down on a leather strap because we're about to discuss it.
In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?
After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.
As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?
Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011
Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!
This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9
Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52
Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89
Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.
Go teams.
In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?
After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.
As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?
Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011
Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!
This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9
Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52
Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89
Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.
Go teams.
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