Cleveland 19, End of the world edition

The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.

The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.

Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!

Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"

17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.

14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).

13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.

9. Colt McCoy - See above.

OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?

These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.

The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.

The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.

16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.

Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.

Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.

The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.

12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.

Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!

10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.

9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.

The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.

7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.

6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.

Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.

5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)

4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.

3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.

2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.

1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.

Beltran? Barkley? ... Blech

Sure, I "worked" today, but when I woke up, I saw a tweet from Buster Olney from the previous night. "#Indians in on Beltran," he says. My mind races. I run through Twitter for any tidbits I can find. I go to the ESPN.com rumors page. I Google "Indians, Beltran" and get a bunch of stuff from the previous trading deadline, and a few random blogs discussing Olney's tweet. Fuuuuuuck! Something happen! Has my life changed yet? Will it change? Someone answer me!!!

Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!

Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.

Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?

.....

Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.

Tough?

Here's a phrase I'm done with: Cleveland fans, when asked about being Cleveland fans, will say, "it's tough." I hear it all the time. It's tough to be a Cleveland fan.

Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.

Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.

But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.

For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.

I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.

Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.

Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.

Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...

Wait, what was I saying again?

Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:

"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."

Next round is on me. Go teams.

Nope. I'm not watching.

Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.

Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.

That team was the Buffalo Bills.

Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).

... Even as a front runner, I lost.

****

I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.

Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.

But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?

Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.

Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.

Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.

The Cleveland 19 or A Stack of Turds

The Cleveland 19 is a tradition I started around 2007. I wanted to rank the most important athletes in the city at that time. It was fun for a debate during an oh-so-fun time in Cleveland sports. The Indians won the World Series (in my mind at least ... F you CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee), the Cavs were in the NBA finals and the lowly Browns rose up and won 10 games. Yes sir, things were turning around in the city and the Cleveland 19 showed why. Lots of stars, hope and promise on that list.

Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.

Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.

Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.

Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.

18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.

18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.

Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.

16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.

15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.

14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.

Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.

12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.

11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.

Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.

9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.

8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.

7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.

6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.

The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.

4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.

Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.

2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.

1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:

You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.

Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)

Go Teams.

* approximate

Worst.

No fuss, no muss, here it is: This is the worst era in the history of Cleveland sports. Period. Quickly, so as not to prolong this miserable rumination, let's have a brief overview of where we're at:

• The Cavs are currently the worst basketball team on planet earth. Our scores are so lopsided, scientists believe it moved the Earth off its axis.
  
• Why do we suck? Our hometown savior dumped us on national TV for another team, leaving behind a collection of gutless losers.
• That same guy that back-stabbed us, who we now hate, is on the best team in basketball and looks like he's on his way to 10 MVPs and 8 NBA titles. He, of course, was too gutless to win one of those titles while in Cleveland. Not exactly an exclusive club.
  
• Oh, and just for shits and giggles, Anderson Varejao is out for the year. No doubt this injury will end his career.
• You know why I think it will end his career? See: Hafner, Travis; Sizemore, Grady.
• OK, both of those guys are still technically playing baseball. But still.
• I mean, seriously, Hafner has been a wimp for three years because he has a "tired shoulder." WTF!
• Oh, and the Indians might be the worst team in Major League Baseball. Sure, we have some promising young talent, but by the time they become decent, they will be traded or signed by another team. It's no one's fault. Major League Baseball is just set up so that we will constantly fail. That's all. No biggie.
• We're starting this year with no third baseman. For real.
• One of our best starting pitchers can't get left handers out. Other than that he's awesome.
  
• One last note on the Tribe. Last year we brought up our best prospect. And he delivered for us. And then he snapped his femur. Or something like that. Doesn't matter.
• The Browns might not be the worst team in the NFL, but they are close.
• We have a dude in the organization who has coached a team to a Super Bowl victory. ... he's not our coach. Neither is Gruden or Cowher or John Fox.
  
• Our new coach is some butt fuck named Pat.
• The Browns did have a decent year this year though. Steps forward. At least it felt that way, right?
• We were 5-11.
• Last weekend, the Steelers, the Ravens, Bill Belichick and Braylon Edwards were all in the running for the Super Bowl.
• Now it's just Braylon Edwards and the Steelers.
• No doubt the Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
• Oh, and not to linger on this Steelers thing, but I was at my local Giant Eagle here in Stow the other day. I was grocery shopping and minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a giant display of baked goods painted in black and yellow (not gold). The sign on the display said: "Go Steelers." Here in my local Giant Eagle. Here in Ohio. It's bad enough that we suck. It's bad enough that the team I hate more than any other is always good -- but does it need to be shoved in my fucking face while trying to buy a loaf of bread? Go Steelers??? Really??? This only happens to Browns fans. Red Sox fans don't have to worry about seeing "Go Yankees" signs at their local grocery store; Packers fans won't encounter any Go Bears signs this week while walking down the street. And you sure as hell won't see any Browns shit in Pittsburgh. Nope. Just another thing that makes rooting for Cleveland sports so special and great.
  
• And so on

Want to know something else? None of the above looks to improve much in the next five years. And I could have said 10.

Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.

Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)

Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.

So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.

Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.

Go Teams.

Deconstructing Hillis

The sports scene in Cleveland has some problems right now. That's maybe the most non-bold statement ever written. But here's a bold one: Nothing epitomizes how bad it is more than Peyton Hillis! (Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa)

Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.

But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.

It might be dumb that I'm bummed that Hillis is white (and it's probably really dumb that I'm making it reflect on our entire sports scene right now). If this was Montario Hardesty, and he had the exact same games Hillis has had, I'd probably be excited. But I can't get passed it. Hillis is a big white dude, which, inherently limits him at the position, does it not? There's a reason I could make those killer jokes about old-timey things earlier. It's true. White running backs became obsolete as feature backs because over the course of a season, they can't get the job done. I mean, right? Isn't Red Grange on display in the Museum of Natural History?

Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?

I'm the only one looking at Hillis like this, so I'm probably wrong, but I can't help it. I can't help but feel this is just so Cleveland, that we're all rallying around a role player, and building him up to be something he's not based on a few games. (Josh Cribbs, anyone? Ouch. Too soon?)

Here's the facts as I see it. He is a valuable team asset who gets tough yards and punishes the other team. Which is great! I love that! He can definitely have the same level of success as Mike Alstott. That's why I like Hillis. But if I'm watching a team where Mike Alstott is the best player, it makes me want to drink shots of Drain-O. And that's what I'm watching.

Hillis falls into the Casey Blake Theory, and you can't tell me different.

We all remember Casey Blake -- the dude with the cool beard and the big chin who was a mediocre third baseman for the Tribe. Blake became a lightning rod of hate for fans after awhile, and it wasn't because he was a disastrous player (well at least not right away). He wasn't terrible, he was just an average dude on a meager salary that played hard. However, Blake started batting fifth and third in the lineup when he should have been batting eighth or ninth. Batting higher than he should have put him in bigger spots to drive in runs. This wasn't his fault, but fans hated him for not driving in enough runs. That shouldn't have been his role. Being white isn't Hillis' fault either, and neither is the large role he has on the team. But at some point, Hillis' shortcomings will show up. And if they don't, then maybe President Herbert Hoover will attend a game.

I mean .... right?

In a vacuum, I like Hillis. In the context of our sports scene right now, and on this Browns team, the idea of him makes me sad. Although, the day I officially declared him overrated, the Baltimore game, he ran for 144 yards and we almost won. And I did it the next week too, and he played well and we won.

So .... like I said .... dude's overrated.

Bold statement: The Tribe is the closest to a title

Well, it’s that time of year where all of Cleveland gets pumped to get let down by the Browns while a small smattering of fans still silently wallow in an Indians depression and drink themselves to sleep. Even the most ardent Indians apologists – like myself – have to admit the team is pathetic right now.

BOLD STATEMENT ALERT!! However, I maintain that the Tribe is the closest Cleveland team to a title. GASP! How can I say this? On what grounds??

Glad you asked ...

Historical precedence:

• The Tribe is bad this year, not unlike how bad the team was in 2002 (74-88) and 2003 (68-94), the last time the team was gutted and rebuilt. By 2005 though, we won 93 games. In 2007, we won 96 and were outs away from the World Series. That may have been a miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime event, but it happened, and it shows that the Dolan/Shapiro Indians have turned things around to near title contention quickly after a pathetic patch of baseball.

• Despite the hope surrounding the Holmgren era, there’s no evidence to show the Browns are closer to a title now than in any other year during this last decade of nothingness. Teams in the NFL can turn around quickly, but still, this is the F’ing Browns, and our mini-2007 run at the playoffs notwithstanding, I’ll believe it when I see it.

• The Cavs? We went to the finals ONCE. And it was with the talents of That Other Player in Miami on the team. Those talents, if I'm not mistaken, are in South Beach, and there's no reason to believe the Cavs will ever get close again without him. Gilbert is an owner willing to sell his grandmother into sex slavery to win a title, but until there is some positive team-building minus No. 6, there's no reason to give them an edge over the Tribe, a team that's contended on rags and a small payroll in the recent past.

MLB v NFL v NBA

• Baseball takes its lumps because it rewards the rich teams and poops in the mouth of the mid-market teams. However, a mid-market team that drafts well, trades its veterans well and has a plan to blend all of its young talent together at the right time always has a chance. The window might be smaller, and it might be less fun, but it’s a window, and it can happen out of nowhere—like Tampa Bay the last few years and San Diego this year (or not at all ... sorry Pirates fans).

The minor league system allows a team to constantly tinker and work toward improvement, and we can all watch and get excited about what might be. Prospects are a gamble, and sometimes (OK, often) I get stupidly excited (like when I was pumped for Trevor Crowe in 2006), but it’s a tangible reason to hope. In baseball, the team's next superstar is actually in the organization, developing. In the other sports, a team's future rests in mock drafts or trade rumors.

• With the NFL, things turn on a dime. Spend money on a free agent and he tears every ligament in his knee on the first snap of the preseason, gets staph infection and dies. The hard salary cap and short shelf life of many players makes continuity difficult. Teams come out of nowhere to succeed in any given year, but those teams often disappear just as quickly. It's much more difficult to forecast the future of an NFL team.

• In the NBA, if you don’t have a superstar, you’re totally screwed. And the only way to get one is to draft one high in the draft. The only way to do that is to suck really bad. And even then, the dude you draft might be an over-sized goof who gets his penis exposed on the Internet while recovering from multiple knew surgeries (sorry Greg Oden). Superstars normally stay with the team that drafts them because of how the NBA is setup. That old adage might be changing, with players taking their talents to other places and whatnot, but even if it is—no superstar is willing coming to Cleveland as a free agent. That much we know.

It’s very easy to be a middle-of-the-road NBA team, and the Cavs might be closer to middle-of-the-road than the Tribe, but they are no where near a title. At all. I dare say the Cavs are the furthest team from a title at this moment.

Playoff chances

• The Browns have to be better than the Steelers and the Ravens in any given year to guarantee a spot in the playoffs. And being better than those teams probably means beating them the four combined times we play them in a season. The Bengals are starting to shape up now too. That's a lot of muscle in one division. But say we get a wild card spot. Then the Browns have to beat three teams just to get to the Super Bowl. In the NFL playoffs, any fluky thing can happen. Luck is a huge factor. Bottom line, there have been XLIII Super Bowls. The Browns have had really good teams at various points during that timespan. We've never been in a Super Bowl. I need more than Jake Delhomme and Mike Holmgren to believe the Browns can get this done. Ever.

• The Cavs' division doesn't really matter. They have the best chance of squeaking into the playoffs in any given year because they are in the East. But squeaking into the NBA playoffs doesn't get a team very far, having to win three seven-game series to get to the championship—without a superstar. (The number one seed doesn't seem to get a team very far either.)

• The Tribe is in the Central Division. It is weaker than Travis Hafner's shoulder. The Tigers and White Sox trade years being mediocre, with neither showing any real team-building plan. The Twins usually are good, but not great, and certainly not rich. The Tribe only has to be better than these teams to make the playoffs. Oh, also, the Royals are a team.

From there, beat a team in a five-game series, another in a seven-game series, and it's time to play in the World Series. Definitely not easy, but it's the easiest of the three routes, I believe.

Team future

• The Cavs' future is impossible to predict because they have a large trade exception, and we’re not entirely sure how bad they will be. No.1-pick-level bad?

Having Gilbert helps, but throwing money at problems hasn’t helped the Knicks and I have as many titles as Mark Cuban. So, that’s no guarantee. Right now, as it stands, we’re pinning our hopes on Mo Williams, 34-year-old Antawn Jameson, JJ Hickson and Andy Varejao. Yikes.

• The Browns appear to be heading in the right direction. Holmgren seems to have a plan and our last draft looked decent. But we still have no QB. Jake Delhomme might be serviceable, but he’s not winning a Super Bowl. Colt McCoy looks like a young Charlie Frye. No QB means no shot. Until that changes, they are not winning a Super Bowl.

• The Tribe might lose 100 games this year, which, in a power ranking, would put them at the bottom of the three teams right now. But I still believe wins and losses this year do not paint a picture of this team’s future, which, unlike the Browns, exists in the organization already. Grady Sizemore and Carlos Santana are both out. Despite Grady’s poor play before the injury and Santana’s youth, those are significant injuries. Seriously, replace Pujols with Lou Marson and see how great the Cardinals look.

I hate to keep throwing my penny into the wishing well that is minor league baseball, but the Tribe still has several top prospects that haven't arrived in Cleveland. If the Indians loses 100 games with Choo, Sizemore, LaPorta, Santana, Cabrera, Weglarz, Chisenhall, Carassco, Carmona, Gomez, Rondon, White, Hagadone, Perez, Gardner, Knapp and so on (give or take a name or two), then I’ll officially give in and say they have no shot at contention and should fold the organization. But with baseball, and with the Tribe, in the Central Division, it’s smarter (and easier, I guess) to have a wider perspective, a longer view of the situation.

One hundred losses or not, I still see seeds that may blossom into a contender. And whether it’s how the leagues are setup or historical precedence, I just don’t see it the same way for our other teams.

There it is. The Tribe is the closest to a title. ... Drink up, everybody! First beers are on me. (Who's getting the next 19,000?)

Cleveland sports forecast 2010-2011: The quest for .500

It's been almost a month since LeBetrayal. And LeBitterness is still palpable, but LeReality is setting in about the Cleveland sports scene. Grab a helmet or bite down on a leather strap because we're about to discuss it.

In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?

After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.

As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?

Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011

Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!

This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9

Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52

Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89

Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.

Go teams.

No way to spin it: Jake Delhomme sucks

Let's call the Delhomme signing what it is—just a giant turd. There is no way to get excited for it as a fan.

It's not that Quinn is good. I could care less we traded Quinn. But I feel like we ended the Quinn era just to end it, regardless of Plan B. Why not just keep Quinn while we wait for our next "franchise" QB? Why waste money on Delhomme during this dark period?

It's like Holmgren said, "Hey, throw out that Coors Light, let me buy you some real beer!" And then proceeded to buy us Genessee.

Give me time and I talk myself into just about any farcical reality. I bought into Charlie Frye. I'm excited for the Tribe this year. I own a Luke Jackson jersey. I'm an easy sell. That's what makes this Delhomme signing so astounding: It is impossible to get excited for.

The only positive talking points people have are A) he's a veteran guy; B) he's a game manager; and C) he gives us stability at the position. All of these are correct.

He's a veteran. That will happen when you hang around the league until you're 35. You get to be called a veteran, which is always a positive term. Even when you are way past your glory days, people can spin the veteran word and people buy it.

"Hey, we got Willie McGinest? He'll bring a veteran presence to the linebacker position."
"Hey, we got Chuck Finley? Should provide a nice veteran presence to our rotation."
"Sweet, we signed Donyell Marshall? The dude's been there before, this should really help us."

And so on.

He's a game manager. Just because you're a veteran, and you're a white QB, it doesn't mean you are a "heady QB." Brady Quinn threw 7 INTs last year and Delhomme threw 18. Quinn is the guy with only a full year of starting experience. Maybe it's an anomaly, but is the 18-INT guy really the one to tout as the "smart game manager?" I fail to see the logic in this. Explain it to me WITHOUT using his stats from five years ago. This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine. This will be the 2010 season.

He provides stability. Delhomme provides stability because he's been signed to be the starter. We avoid controversy this way. Yup, no controversy. However, by this definition, any living organism would have been a positive so long as Holmgren named him the starter. Name Trent Dilfer the starter again? Stability. Name Josh Cribbs the starter? Stability. Name '80s hip hop star Bobby Brown the starter? Stability. Stable doesn't imply good, and it especially doesn't when applied to Delhomme—who is no longer good.



Whatever. If this 35-year-old that's thrown 22 INTs in his last 12 games, and is being paid $12 million to not be on his old team, is decent next year, then that's great. Awesome. Pop the champagne. But right now, I just don't believe it. With Quinn, I was able to live under the delusion that he could potentially figure it out and be decent. Time was still on his side and that gave me hope. Delhomme doesn't provide that. There is no delusion. He's just a washed up QB we didn't need to sign. To be a Browns fan, you need a hopeful delusion in the offseason. That's all we ask. Set us up for a fall. Is that really so hard to do?

Maybe it will all make sense after The Draft, when we select our new tantalizing college star QB (Tim Tebow, anyone?) that makes us root for Delhomme to get injured and ultimately leads us to five wins and bitterness ... but until that happens, I'm going to stay bummed out.

Go Browns.

Browns quarterback assessment, part 2

In part one of the Browns QB assessment, I compared Quinn to a variety of other NFL starters at comparable stages in their careers. What we discovered is that Quinn was a little less than his counterparts, nearly equaling the statistical atrocity that is JaMarcus Russell. In part 2, we're going to try and be a little bit more fair to Quinn. Instead of stacking his numbers against other QBs in the league, guys who should be the basis for comparison, we'll stack his numbers up against all the other starting QBs the Browns have had since 1999—the dregs of the dregs/ his peers. If Quinn's numbers drift to the bottom of this pile of castoffs, hasbeens and neverwases, then that says something. No excuses for being at the bottom of this shit sandwich.

I am comparing the first full year each of these jabronis had as a starting QB for the Browns. Bold numbers are for the best in each category and red is for the worst (minimum 8 games, sorry Spergon and Luke ... I've highlighted them in pink just for fun.)

.......................G.....comp%.....yds.....TDs....INTs.....QB rating
Couch, T......... 15.....55...........2,447....15........13...........73
Wynn, S.......... 7......40............167........0.........1...........41
Holcomb, K. ...10.... 63 .........1,797.....10.......12.............74
Garcia, J......... 11.....57............1,731 ....10........9...........76
Mcown, L.. ..... 5.....49............608.......4..........7...........52
Dilfer, T. .........11....59.8.........2,321.....11.......12...........77
Frye, C. .......... 13....64...........2,454......10.......17.........72
Anderson, D... 16....56............3,787.....29......19........82.5
Quinn, B ........10.....53...........1,339......8........7..........67

OK, so if we're excluding the extra-special cases of Wynn and McCown, whom we never really considered starting options at the time, Quinn's numbers are the worst. Granted, not by much over some of the guys—and he took a little bit better care of the ball—but still, that's not good. I mean, we HATED pretty much every guy on this list during various stages of their careers here.

Just out of curiosity, let's see the combined stats of McCown and Wynn. Maybe if we combine them, we'll create a QB that's worse than Quinn, numbers-wise at least.

McWynn, S.L. ....12...45.........775.........4..........8..........47

There we go. Does that make anyone feel better about Quinn at QB next year? Umm, no? OK, well, I've got one last basis for comparison—wins and losses. Sure, Quinn's numbers are the worst, for the most part, but did his intangibles lead to team success? Maybe the numbers aren't telling the whole story.

'99 Couch = 2-13
'03 Holcomb = 2-6
'04 Garcia = 2-8
'05 Dilfer = 4-7
'06 Frye = 3-9
'07 Anderson = 9-6
'09 Quinn = 2-7

Welp, that didn't help. Jesus. Anyone else want to stab pencils in their eyes? What a thoroughly depressing post this is.

So, Quinn didn't stack up well against his contemporaries, AND he didn't stack up against other Browns QBs. He drifted to the bottom of a list prominently involving Trent Dilfer. Seriously, other than the flash-in-the-pan season from Anderson, that is the maybe the worst list of QB seasons ever, and Quinn couldn't even move to the middle of the pack.

I know the sob stories about not having much to work with and all the regime changes and blah blah blah, hell, I even believe them to some extent, but let's get real. It doesn't seem like we're witnessing the growth of a young Joe Montana here.

So Chris, why don't we go with Anderson then? I mean, he did have that one good year right? Maybe he's the guy.

Good question. Let me analyze that as in-depth as I can...

Fuck no.

So where does this leave us? If Quinn's numbers shout "Bum!" and we DO NOT want to go back to the DA experiment, does that mean we should *gulp* draft another QB and try again? Or do we trust in the powers of Holmgren, draft some more WR talent, let Quinn gel with the current guys and the gameplan and give him one last shot to prove himself?

We'll leave that part of the discussion for part 3.

Mangini's mind trick works again

Let me start by saying I think keeping Eric Mangini was a good move. The team improved in the last third of the season after it was broken down to its core, and Mangini deserves a chance to see if he can build on that. There is no point to completely starting over again when there may not be a reason too. And, if he sucks, then fire him and sign another coach. Whatever, no big deal, just be sure first, right? And I'm assuming that's what Holmgren thinks too.

However, lost in all of the Holmgren/Browns/Mangini/new-regime/four-game-win-streak discussion is the REAL reason why Mangini stayed.

The man gives the best interview in the business. Seriously. What Tiger Woods is to golf and philandering, Mangini is to closed-door interviews. Just think about the sequence of events that has led us to Mangini: Year Two.

He was fired from the New York Jets after three up-and-down seasons, amid a collapse in which there was a near team-wide mutiny. The entire state of New York had turned on him. Meanwhile, the Browns were ready to start over and needed to get it right this time. Randy Lerner had a big PR problem of his own, as in fans were tired of watching the dumbasses he put in charge build a team.

So there we have a jobless Mangini and a desperate Lerner. That same offseason also had a jobless Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan, Marty Schottenheimer and several up and comers like Josh McDaniels.

So what happens? Lerner brings in Mangini for an interview before anyone grabbed a shower to wash the stink of the season off, and he immediately hands him the job. It was the fastest hire in history. I've seen UFC fights last longer than Lerner's deliberation. You'd think there'd be some more due diligence considering, you know, the importance of the decision, Mangini's past and all of the other options out there.

After that, the Mangini regime couldn't have been worse. There was the rookie bus trip, the extra practices, the injuries and dissention, the trades of star players, the fines for water bottles and, of course, the putrid football. It wasn't until the aforementioned four-game win streak that the fans went from "I'd honestly like to hang the guy from the I-480 bridge and throw stones at him" to "Umm, we should still probably fire the guy."

On top of that, his hand-picked patsy GM was fired mid-season, which paved the way for yet another franchise-altering hire—Mike Holmgren. Looked like Mangini's days were numbered. Not only did everyone hate him, but his new boss was a polar opposite on paper: 3-4 defense vs. 4-3 defense, West Coast offense vs. [insert whatever offense the Browns tried to run], mustache vs. gum-chewing. And on top of that, Holmgren's job is to make the franchise his own and, rebuild it and make it a contender in his own image. How in God's name could Mangini keep his job when you add all of that up?

Well, Holmgren said he'd have one sit-down interview with Mangini to see if there was any way this could work. That's like making Mozart play piano to save his life. He walked into that room the oil to Holmgren's water, with nothing more than a four-game win streak to show for himself, and he walked out the same guy—but with job security.

Seriously, who is better at convincing people to do things during closed-door meetings than Eric Mangini? Part of me wonders if we should let Mangini go so that he can put his powers to better use. Maybe his powers can be used for more than self-promotion and self-preservation. Maybe Mangini could be negotiating peace in the Middle East or fixing healthcare or the economy in some secret meeting somewhere. Or maybe that's a bad idea because everyone might leave thinking they have the answer to world peace, but when it plays out, we might end up in World War III.

My personal theory for this phenomenon? Mangini is a Jedi. He used the Jedi mind trick to convince Lerner to hire him, his players to play for him and Holmgren to keep him. And I'm fine with all of that. Now, if he can convince the NFL to start rewarding 5-11 seasons with Super Bowl berths, we'll really be onto something.

The Cleveland 19

With a new year upon us, it's a good idea to stop and take stock of our Cleveland sports scene. I like to do this with a concept called the Cleveland 19. It's a ranking of the top 19 athletes in our city based on their talent, importance to their team, potential for the future and their loyalty to the city. I throw all of those factors into a blender and determine the top 19. Why 19? In honor of the great Bernie Kosar, of course. To give an idea of how much the landscape has evolved from the last time I did this, check out the 2007 list:

19. Jhonny Peralta/Jake Westbrook
18. Jamal Lewis
17. Asdrubal Cabrera
16. Anderson Varejao
15. Josh Cribbs
14. Boobie Gibson
13. Derek Anderson / Brady Quinn
12. Eric Steinbach
11. Raffy Betancourt
10. Z / Phil Dawson
9. CC Sabathia
8. Travis Hafner
7. Fausto Carmona
6. Kellen Winslow Jr.
5. Grady Sizemore
4. Braylon Edwards
3. Joe Thomas
2. Victor Martinez
1. Lebron James

You'll notice five of those guys are no longer in Cleveland (which doesn't even include Cliff Lee because this was 2007, you know, when he sucked. I listed him in my anti-top 5. Nice, huh?), and another six had to be removed for various levels of sucking (Derek Anderson, anyone?). For sure, the 2010 list isn't as star-studded, but it's got a lot of heart, grit and possibility. It's more fitting of our city in that way. All it's missing is the raw sewage smell that pops up now and then.

The Potentials
19. Carlos Santana — Santana has yet to even see a Tribe uniform, and who knows, he may continue to light up the minors throughout 2010, but he symbolizes the hope that exists for the next generation of Tribe teams. Moves were made in 2009 based on his scheduled developmental process. His spot on this list is due to this potential and the fact that he'll be in our city for at least the next seven years, barring unforeseen tragedies.

18. Matt LaPorta / Michael Brantley — Both arrived in the CC trade and both hope to be building blocks for our Tribe. Brantley had a solid debut at the end of 2009 and looks to make an impact on the top of the order this year. LaPorta was a little more uneven, but I'm sure his place on this list gives him the appropriate motivation to realize his potential and hit bombs.

17. Jerome Harrison — Say it with me now: It's about time! We've all waited and waited for the day when Harrison would get consistent playing time. This finally happened during the historic Four-Game Win Streak of 2009. Harrison may not be the answer at RB, but the guy definitely showed the burst that Lewis lacked, hitting holes that may have been there all along. Harrison may be another Lee Suggs mirage, but for now, Harrison looks like an important part of the Browns latest rebuild. No one can get me down on the Browns since The Four-Game Win Streak, and no one can talk me out of putting this 5-foot-5-inch dude at No. 17.

16. Alex Mack — I know half the city wishes this guy's name was Rey Maualaga and the other half wishes it was Clay Matthews Jr., and the other half wishes it was James Laurainatis, while still another half wishes it was Beanie Wells (is that enough halves?)....um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. No matter how many guys he could be, Mack had a solid first year playing a very demanding position for a team with little offensive identity or flow for most of 2009. I think he did enough to solidify another piece of an offensive line that remains one of the few decent parts of the Browns.

15. 2010 First Round Pick — Seriously, whoever you are, you better be at least this good.

14. Chris Perez — OK, maybe this is too high, but I felt like rewarding Perez for his dominance late in a lost season. He was virtually untouchable after an initially rocky start. And on a team with so many pitching problems, any sort of dominance is welcome. I also needed to fill the token"Perez" bullpen entry from the Tribe.

The Question Marks
13. Shaun Rogers — A healthy Rogers is the best pass-rushing defensive tackle in the game. His contribution often gets lost amid the depression, misery and ineptitude of the rest of his team, but not on the Cleveland 19. His spot on this list is definitely conditional on his ability to stand up straight and walk, which is maybe 50/50 at this point.

12. Delonte West — Whether you're looking for a lock down defender or an initiator for the offense, West is your guy. Oh, and if you need someone to chase after a foe on a motorcycle and gun them down at high speeds, he's your guy for that too. If we could count on West, he'd probably be higher, but his play is too erratic. I'd like to keep him off the list entirely, but he's just too important to the future success of the Cavs to ignore. He can keep this spot until he becomes more consistent, gets trade or murders a pack of stray dogs.

The Elder Statesmen
11. Phil Dawson — The man has been on the Browns since 1999. That must feel like 1929 to him. He deserves a purple heart. Until then, he will remain entrenched in the middle of the Cleveland 19.

10. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — In terms of loyalty, no one matches Z. His shot, at first rocky this season, has settled into that cozy comfort zone. He accepted a lesser role with class for the good of the team and the city, and he even put the oddest and most inexplicable slight of all time (being benched for the first time ever on the day he would become the all-time games played leader) behind him. I'd take a bullet for Z.

The Glue Guys
9. Andy Varejao — We all know if he was on another team, we'd be rooting for him to tear both his ACLs. But he's on our team, and his tenacity and intangibles on the court are almost as important to the team success as you know who (see No.1). But when he dribbles, I punch the nearest child.

8. Jake Westbrook — I know, I know. The dude had Tommy John and may not even pitch this year. But think about the pitching rotation next year. Are you thinking? OK. Now clean up the vomit. The Tribe needs Jake like Abraham Lincoln needed a door to his balcony. The man signed a deal to stay here, which doesn't happen often with the Tribe and if he comes back as the same guy, he'll play a huge part as the reliable veteran starter on a young team.

7. Asdrubal Cabrera — There's a new wizard at shortstop and he wears a pearl necklace. Cabrera has excited me ever since we shipped Eduardo Perez to Seattle in one of the dumbest trades ever. Even if he doesn't improve anymore, I'll be happy, but I can't help but feel he has one more level to go.

Second Bananas
6. Mo Williams — I labeled him "a chucker" when he came over from Milwaukee, but he has become the second scorer next to you know who (see No.1). His importance to the team was evidenced by the early exit against the Magic. If his shot is off, this team's chances go from pretty good to kind of average. That's not a large gap, but it's the difference between wins and losses in the playoffs, which is how this Cavs team is being measured. I believe he will overcome his choke in 2009. No. 6, Mo! Let's make it happen this year!

5. Shin Soo Choo — Arguably, the best pure baseball player on the team. The Tribe should have him for the next few years, and in that time, he should be consistently averaging .290/.401/.800 with 25 steals. So long as the Korean army stays away, Choo is a lock for the top 7 for awhile.

4. Joe Thomas — There's not much you can say about an offensive lineman. I'll let his three straight Pro Bowls do the talking. And don't give me that he's overrated. Cleveland players don't just make it to All-Star games. They have to earn it. Just ask DA. (Umm, nevermind.)

Faces of the Franchise
3. Grady Sizemore — We've got Grady for probably two more years. Sorry to get all real on you with that statement, but it's true. So, while he's here, let's celebrate. When healthy, Grady is the Indians. No doubt. He's fully taken the Face of t he Franchise reins vacated by Victor. (And no, Grady isn't strategically placing the reins in front of his penis. Don't mock those in the Top 3. Just don't.)

2. Josh Cribbs — From a local college, signed as a walk-on, Cribbs has scratched and clawed for everything he's earned in the NFL. The money, the adoration, the role on the offense, the TV show on Fox Sports Ohio—all of it. And now, he earns the coveted Spot Below LeBron and is the Face of the Franchise for the Browns. In the words of KGB in Rounders, "Pay thet min...pay thet min his maah-knee."

The King
1. LeBron James — You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.

Sunday's symbolic Super Bowl

Sometimes I look too deeply into sports and see symbolic moments that aren't necessarily there. For example, I once wrote an entire column about the 2007 Indians after a sweep at the hands of the Yankees at mid-season, and I wrote about the gloomy day, and the construction in Cleveland at the time that annoyed me, and I tied everything together with an Arctic Monkey's lyric. My conclusion was the Indians just didn't have it that year based on my symbolic analysis.

They almost went to the World Series. So, I misfired on that one. (Well, kind of. I mean, they did ultimately break my heart, which was the point of the column for the most part. Whatever.)

Anyhow, I'm feeling poetic about this Sunday's Browns game. Big time. The symbolism is palpable, but in a good way. Examine these elements with me:

• Mike Holmgren gets hired to save the Browns.
• Brady Quinn gets hurt and is out for the remaining two games.
• This makes Derek Anderson the starter.
• The Browns opponent on Sunday is Oakland.
• Despite their victories this year, Oakland is viewed as perhaps the only other organization more hapless than Cleveland.
• After Jamarcus Russell was benched, Bruce Gradkowski (a ghost from our past) was brought in for the Raiders. He got hurt. Unwilling to go back to their 2007 first round pick, the Raiders turn to Charlie Frye.
• Yes, that Charlie Frye.
• No seriously, the guy from Akron that we drafted in the third round.
• Even though he suffered a concussion in the previous game, he is making the start this Sunday.
• The game this Sunday between the Raiders and the Browns is so bad that it may receive the first blackout locally since the putrid Browns have returned to the league.

So let's put all of the pieces together. Sunday is the most improbable and potentially the most horrendous football game ever played. The game pits the Browns v. the Raiders. It pits Anderson versus Frye, the two QBs that once battled each other in the worst QB competition ever staged, in a game that neither should be playing. Together, the two seem to sum up everything that's been terrible about the Browns for 10 years. And this epic duel will possibly be the first blacked out game in the modern Browns era.

This game Sunday is the culmination of a decade of Browns futility. Frye. Anderson. Injuries. Two bad teams. Bad weather. A blacked out game.

So why does this game give me hope? Because we have Holmgren. That's what started this chain of events to get Anderson v. Frye in a blacked out football game. Holmgren is good and this game is evil. And the game is happening because good is finally vanquishing evil (unless Holmgren is somehow tricked into believeing Anderson is good or the game is so bad that he has a heart attack and dies. Then evil will win.)

This game, as the full representation of everything that sucks about the Browns, will end the misery. After Anderson faces Frye in a game no one will watch, the atrocious Browns era ends with a dramatic whimper. It is dead. Buried. Done. Holmgren will look out over the field when the game mercifully ends as the victor, ready to rebuild. This is the Browns' Civil War of embarrassment, and Holmgren is Reconstruction.

If we don't hire Holmgren, Quinn stays in, he plays against Russell, we watch the game and we maybe win and think we're 5 percent better than the start of the year and get ready to start the Cycle of Shame all over again. Not now. Holmgren symbolizes the end of the cycle. And because of this, we now get the greatest worst game ever played—the grand finale of suck—one last look at how bad we've had it before Holmgren turns it around.

At least, that's how it seems now. Please don't print this post and give it to me in three years. (Actually, go ahead, because if Holmgren sucks too, it won't matter because I'll be dead. Glue it to my grave.)

UPDATE: The game is now televised locally. So, maybe Holmgren will suck afterall. Either way, go Browns.

Browns quarterback assessment, Part 1

Imagine being a kid near Christmas time. You asked for a PS3. You're 10 years old, and you are excited for the opportunity to run over prostitutes and explode the heads of terrorists. Tempted by an unbridled curiosity, you snoop around your house, high and low, from nook to cranny, looking for a stash of presents.

Lo and behold, tucked underneath a pile of blankets in the attic is a PS3 box. Hurray! Just what you wanted! You didn't even really expect to get a PS3, but there it is, plain as day! You wait for two weeks that feel like two years until finally, Christmas morning, you open your PS3! Hurray, again! You waited patiently for a present you knew was coming and now you get to play!!!

Only it doesn't work. And your parents lost the receipt. Every couple of days it comes on for a half hour and you get to murder a pedestrian, but then it shuts off, doesn't save, and for some reason, smells like dried cat turds.

This is the best way for me to describe the Brady Quinn era thus far. Unmatched enthusiasm, little fun, huge let down, nonrefundable.

The question is, will it stay this way? Like an episode of Glee, there is little reason to think it will get any better, but it is important to remember Quinn is only nine starts into his NFL career. It feels like he's been on the team since Charlie Frye was the QB (because he has been), but he's only started what amounts to half of one season. And three of those starts came under a completely different regime. And he's never entered into a season knowing he was going to be the starting QB, worked with decent receivers an entire offseason, or been within a competent offensive system for an extended period of time. Not exactly a recipe for success. But let's take all of those variables from the equation and compare cold hard stats of various QBs in their first nine games with Quinn and see if there is any reason to believe.

I chose most of today's great QBs, some of the good QBs, and some of the most recent—including, in my opinion, the worst starting QB the last two years. I've bolded the worst numbers. The best numbers are in red. The number(s) in parentheses is(are) the season(s) in which these starts came.

PLAYER............... COMP %...YDS....TDs....INTs...RATING
Quinn (2-3)...............53%.......1,430.... ..7........7........66.3
Manning, P (1)...........55%......2,013......12......18.......74
Brady, T (2)...............66% .....1,823..... 16 ......7....... 95
Roethlisberger, B (1)..61%.......1,412.......10......4........90
Brees, D (2)................62%.......1,663......10.....10........80
Manning, E (1-2).......48%......1,380......9......11........69
Rivers, P (3)...............66%.......2,085....13.......3.....102
Orton, K (1)................55%.......1,253......7......10......65
Rodgers, A (4)............63%.......2,124.....13......5........93
Cutler, J (1-2).............63%.......1,927......13.....10.......83
Ryan, M (1).................61%.......1,909......11.....5........99
Russell, J (1-2)...........47%.....1,662.......8......8.........66
AVERAGES...............58%........1,750......11......8.........82

Do these numbers tell us anything? Well, unfortunately, I think Quinn's numbers look the worst for a few reasons. His numbers are low in every category—lower than the average of this unscientific sample—despite avoiding the difficult task of starting his first year. You'll note Rivers and Rodgers have some of the best numbers after waiting a few seasons on the bench. The worst indictment—his numbers aren't too different from JaMarcus Russell, whom we all know is a pathetic lump behind center.

However, these numbers also show several of today's QBs got off to rocky starts. And, knowing where some of these careers go (Brees was considered so bad the Chargers drafted Rivers, Manning becomes a Hall of Famer, Cutler is a bum, Orton is all of a sudden efficient), this small, early sample is obviously an incomplete picture of where one's career will end up.

Then again, in some examples, it is dead on. (JaMarcus Russell)

After part 1 of this QB assessment—after looking at the numbers and thinking about all that could be contributing to Quinn's sad stats in his young career—the prognosis is incomplete but not looking good.

Let's see where part 2 takes us.

Ideas for the Browns vs Lions

Some ideas for the Browns in their big game vs the Lions:

• Take advantage of a fellow 1-8 team by scoring a touchdown, preferably with a WR or a RB, which hasn't been done all year.

• Ask the Lions if they have any other players like Shaun Rogers they'd like to trade us before the game starts.

• Play Bernie Kosar at QB and Jim Brown at RB.

• At halftime, ask Lions if they will "go halvesies on a tie."

• Seriously, even if every lineman has to hold or Quinn has to throw several illegal chop blocks that get the play called back, just cross the goal line and see how it feels.

• Switch uniforms with the Lions before the game and see if anyone notices.

• Get wasted. That's how I get through the games, might help you too.

• In the event of a Browns win, the team should jubilantly carry Mangini off the field on its shoulders ... and then keep carrying him out of the stadium, to an overpass and throw over the fence into oncoming traffic.

• In the event of a Browns loss, see previous bullet point.

• After the game, conduct a ceremony at midfield where the Lions owner symbolically hands over control the 2010 No. 1 pick. This could be done in a variety of ways, but I think I'd go with the Lions owner pooping directly into Lerner's mouth.

• Screw Michigan, Go Bucks!

• Seal the stadium up and fill it with a toxic gas so everybody dies. Then every Sunday thereafter, Browns and Lions fans would celebrate the day their misery ended.

Enjoy the game, everybody!

List of candidates to replace George Kokinis

George Kokinis sure has some big shoes to fill, but I think I've devised a list of general manager replacements that are just as good as, if not better than the legendary Kokinis:

(Ranked in order from adequate replacement to sure-fire fix)

A bucket of mud
Qualifications: Sits there; says nothing.
Sideways move. If you like what Kokinis brought to the table, but you want just a little more personality, a bucket of mud is your choice.

Pat Sajack
Qualifications: Hosts Wheel of Fortune.
I'm looking for stability with our next GM hire. Who provides stability more than Pat Sajack? Bob Barker has retired for good. Dick Clark's face reminds me too much of the Browns' offense. Alex Trebek is too stiff. Regis Philbin? I can't trust Notre Dame people. Sajack has been hosting the Wheel for ages, is extremely personable and adapts to all sorts of new gimmicks. Definite upgrade.

Mel Kiper Jr.
Qualifications: NFL Draft guru.
Why not? Let's give the most knowledgeable football-talent analyst on the planet a shot at building a team and picking players. He can't be much worse than the dart board all previous regimes have used.

Me
Qualifications: Watches sports on TV; owns several bocce trophies
Seriously, how f***ing hard could this be? Watch college football, pick the best players available, hire people who aren't half-retarded. Done. I'm good for at least 2 more wins than Kokinis. Easy.

Bill Cowher
Qualifications: Coached the Steelers; played for the Browns; can understand Shannon Sharpe
Growing up, I wanted to punch this man in his face more than anyone. And I'm conflicted as to how much I really want to root for this guy, but if he came to Cleveland in a Bill Parcells-in-Miami type of role and put a stamp on this team—any stamp at all—I would probably be on board. I begrudgingly accepted Kellen Winslow Jr., Braylon Edwards and Jamal Lewis into my life (and look how well all of them worked out!) so, I would find room in my heart for the Chin. It would be like that prodigal son parable.

Bernie Kosar
Qualifications: Once played football for the Browns; hand-picked the quarterback for the Cleveland Gladiators.
Bernie knows football. Do you really need to work up through the ranks to watch film and judge football players? I know there are other tasks a GM must do, like work out contracts and other such details, but it doesn't matter. Bernie's presence calms me down. We've been cursed since Belichick got rid of him, maybe hiring him back in a prominent role would end it.

LeBron James
Qualifications: Best basketball player on the planet; savior of the world.
If anyone knows how to resurrect a dead, depressing sports franchise, it is LeBron James. Also, it gives him yet another reason to stay in Cleveland.

One-step solution for fixing the Browns

I opened my Internet browser thinking, "I'm going to write about the Browns." The Browns fed me another turd sandwich today, and it's topical, so it makes sense to write about it. But I sat here for about five minutes just thinking of an angle. I wanted to pick on someone or something. I wanted to write an opinion on what needs to be done to fix this mess or something that looks positive. Here's the only angle I could come up with:

If you're a Browns fan, kill yourself.

That's all I've got. I watched the game, and I formed a hateful opinion of pretty much anyone on our sideline. I listened to talk radio and heard all of the various gripes. The Browns problems are this. The Browns problems are that.

What everyone needs to fully realize is there's no objective way to measure the failures of this team or how to correct them. And that is the most depressing realization of them all.

For example, why did the Indians have a losing season? Well, the bullpen wasn't good. Important players regressed or got hurt. And the economic inequities in baseball prevented certain baseball decisions.

You can point to specific areas. Improve the bullpen, replace Fausto and Jhonny or get them on track, and suddenly the team is improved.

Maybe that's only my perspective, or too simplistic an explanation. But the Indians have places to hang your hat. They have a lot of good position players, and they have a shrewd front office. The front office might misfire here or there, but they have a plan that they back up with reason and logic.

With the Browns, everyone has a different angry perspective. Are you the guy that says it's the quarterbacks? The lack of offensive personnel around them? Are you the guy that blames the porous defense that never seems to go away? Are you the guy that blames the coordinators for the awful gameplans and execution? Are you the guy that blames Eric Mangini? These are his guys, his plan and he needs to be fired for making a terrible team even worse? Are you the guy that blames Randy Lerner for consistently hiring the wrong guys?

Here's my point: That's a lot of guys. Those are a lot of failures. And all of them could be valid. None of them can be refuted, not with any real evidence.

I wish this was a science experiment in a lab. That way, we could change out different variables to see how it affected the whole. One week we drop in a new QB. Then next week we leave in that QB and add in different receivers. The week after we leave the receivers and change the QB again. The week after we go back to the Week 2 offense and try a new offensive scheme. And so on and so on. Pretty soon, after all the mixing and matching, we'd have concrete answers for what's truly detrimental to the team are and how these problems need to be fixed.

Unfortunately, even this ideal scientific solution to the problem would take roughly 673 weeks before it had an answer and a way to implement it.

In real life, we're just walking into a dark bathroom and pissing everywhere until we hear water. Blind stabs. Confusion. One big mess.

Some problems may be the root of the bigger problem and some could be the result of the other problems. But we don't know; we can't know; and we all need to realize this and kill ourselves.

It's the only sure way out of this mess.

The only reason to watch the Browns this year

Here's a scenario:

You turn on a game to watch a team play a sport. The game is uninteresting and lopsided. One team is especially terrible. You turn game off.

That scene sounded reasonable, right? Why watch a bad game? That's not really the point of being a sports observer. The point is to be captivated, interested or entertained in some way.

But now, make that scenario more familiar. Add in your favorite team. For example:

I woke up Sunday morning, put on my Josh Cribbs jersey and went around town for some early morning errands. I had this feeling of "It's Sunday, the sun is shining, people are outside, I've got my Browns jersey on, let's drink beer and watch the game." I arrived home, turned the Browns game on and was immediately crestfallen. We suck. It's highly probable that the team I am watching the worst team in the NFL, and the worst Browns team I've ever watched play. It's not competitive at the half....

Now, working off our original scenario, the correct way to end this story would be to turn off the game and do something more entertaining, useful, fun, productive—basically anything that doesn't involve the Browns. Most of society, my dad included, would wholeheartedly agree—especially with THIS Browns team. It has been the same sad story for the last decade. If there's a time to put your family dog to sleep, there's a time to just let your favorite team fade into the background until it gets its shit together and at least makes games watchable, right?

Wrong.

What's that, I say? Wrong? Yes. Wrong. Now be careful, we're going to drift into a strange world of fanaticism devoid of all logic and reason.

As a true fan of a team, you enter into a binding social contract. This contract stipulates that no matter what, you will follow this team. There's no rules against obsessive bitching. There are no stipulations against blind optimism. There are no penalties for cheering on a guy that has murdered innocent children. The only real rule is: If you see your team's uniform playing a game, you will watch it and root for it. Period.

Obviously, there are exceptions when it comes to baskteball and baseball in order to lead a sociable, normal life, but the main instinct remains: complete devotion to following that team. Even football games can be missed here or there—but you can never willingly decide to not watch a game when you are perfectly able to do so. Intent is key.

Do I turn games off? Sure. For a minute or two to cool down, gather my thoughts and perhaps lower my expectations. I might even turn the game off and then take a drive and put it on the radio. But in the scenario I've built, I can never fully shun a game, no matter how pathetic it is.

That's what I signed up for. If I don't do that—if I just say "Man, they suck today, guess I'll turn it off and read a book," that makes me a bandwagon fan. Even if it happens only once in awhile and in the middle of a 15 -year drought where not one competitive game is played, it doesn't matter. Who's to say it won't happen again? Front runner! Bandwagon fan!

Disagree if you like, but if I consciously tune this Browns season out and just quit paying attention, next year, if they turn it around (just go with me on this), and I make sure to watch all of the games again, I would feel like a douchebag. And so should you.

For example, from 2002-2007, the Indians didn't make the playoffs. Not a big drought, not by any means, but it was coming off the '90s where a Central Division crown felt like a given. And during the drought, the team even had a competitive moment or two. But during that stretch, Indians fans dropped like flies. They all bitched about new ownership, sobbed into their Omar Vizquel jerseys and tuned the team out. I saw it happen to people I knew—people in my own family.

And there stood me and my brother. Bitter. Reading up on this new wave of guys. Pleading to people to keep watching and then growing more bitter. We made mental lists of everyone. Then, in 2007, when the team got hot, fans started coming back and getting excited again.

"Hey, this team isn't so bad! This is fun again!"

And there we were with our mental list.

"Oh, really? Now that the team is contending again you're going to watch? Screw you. Do you even know who these guys are? Name me 10 players! Sorry. Too bad. You're out. Find another team."

That's insanity, right? Yes. It is. Fanaticism is insanity. So, if you are going to actually call yourself a fan, this is what you do. You take alllllll of the good with allllllllll of the bad. All with all. No qualifiers.

So there you have it, Eric Mangini. The only reason anyone would watch your pathetic football team is out of devotion to a fictional sense of duty too disturbing to call goofy, but not disturbing enough to cause a holy war.

Feel free to use that as next year's marketing slogan.