Cleveland 19, End of the world edition

The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.

The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.

Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!

Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"

17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.

14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).

13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.

9. Colt McCoy - See above.

OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?

These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.

The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.

The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.

16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.

Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.

Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.

The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.

12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.

Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!

10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.

9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.

The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.

7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.

6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.

Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.

5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)

4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.

3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.

2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.

1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.

Tough?

Here's a phrase I'm done with: Cleveland fans, when asked about being Cleveland fans, will say, "it's tough." I hear it all the time. It's tough to be a Cleveland fan.

Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.

Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.

But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.

For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.

I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.

Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.

Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.

Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...

Wait, what was I saying again?

Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:

"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."

Next round is on me. Go teams.

Bring back the blue seats

Here's the most depressing part about the 2011 Cavs: This might not be as bad as it gets.

Gulp.

Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.

(*forecasted)

Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.

Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.

That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!

That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.

Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.

Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?

Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?

Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?

We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?

Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!

Go Cavs.

Nope. I'm not watching.

Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.

Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.

That team was the Buffalo Bills.

Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).

... Even as a front runner, I lost.

****

I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.

Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.

But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?

Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.

Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.

Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.

The Cleveland 19 or A Stack of Turds

The Cleveland 19 is a tradition I started around 2007. I wanted to rank the most important athletes in the city at that time. It was fun for a debate during an oh-so-fun time in Cleveland sports. The Indians won the World Series (in my mind at least ... F you CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee), the Cavs were in the NBA finals and the lowly Browns rose up and won 10 games. Yes sir, things were turning around in the city and the Cleveland 19 showed why. Lots of stars, hope and promise on that list.

Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.

Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.

Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.

Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.

18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.

18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.

Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.

16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.

15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.

14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.

Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.

12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.

11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.

Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.

9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.

8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.

7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.

6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.

The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.

4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.

Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.

2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.

1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:

You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.

Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)

Go Teams.

* approximate

Worst.

No fuss, no muss, here it is: This is the worst era in the history of Cleveland sports. Period. Quickly, so as not to prolong this miserable rumination, let's have a brief overview of where we're at:

• The Cavs are currently the worst basketball team on planet earth. Our scores are so lopsided, scientists believe it moved the Earth off its axis.
  
• Why do we suck? Our hometown savior dumped us on national TV for another team, leaving behind a collection of gutless losers.
• That same guy that back-stabbed us, who we now hate, is on the best team in basketball and looks like he's on his way to 10 MVPs and 8 NBA titles. He, of course, was too gutless to win one of those titles while in Cleveland. Not exactly an exclusive club.
  
• Oh, and just for shits and giggles, Anderson Varejao is out for the year. No doubt this injury will end his career.
• You know why I think it will end his career? See: Hafner, Travis; Sizemore, Grady.
• OK, both of those guys are still technically playing baseball. But still.
• I mean, seriously, Hafner has been a wimp for three years because he has a "tired shoulder." WTF!
• Oh, and the Indians might be the worst team in Major League Baseball. Sure, we have some promising young talent, but by the time they become decent, they will be traded or signed by another team. It's no one's fault. Major League Baseball is just set up so that we will constantly fail. That's all. No biggie.
• We're starting this year with no third baseman. For real.
• One of our best starting pitchers can't get left handers out. Other than that he's awesome.
  
• One last note on the Tribe. Last year we brought up our best prospect. And he delivered for us. And then he snapped his femur. Or something like that. Doesn't matter.
• The Browns might not be the worst team in the NFL, but they are close.
• We have a dude in the organization who has coached a team to a Super Bowl victory. ... he's not our coach. Neither is Gruden or Cowher or John Fox.
  
• Our new coach is some butt fuck named Pat.
• The Browns did have a decent year this year though. Steps forward. At least it felt that way, right?
• We were 5-11.
• Last weekend, the Steelers, the Ravens, Bill Belichick and Braylon Edwards were all in the running for the Super Bowl.
• Now it's just Braylon Edwards and the Steelers.
• No doubt the Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
• Oh, and not to linger on this Steelers thing, but I was at my local Giant Eagle here in Stow the other day. I was grocery shopping and minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a giant display of baked goods painted in black and yellow (not gold). The sign on the display said: "Go Steelers." Here in my local Giant Eagle. Here in Ohio. It's bad enough that we suck. It's bad enough that the team I hate more than any other is always good -- but does it need to be shoved in my fucking face while trying to buy a loaf of bread? Go Steelers??? Really??? This only happens to Browns fans. Red Sox fans don't have to worry about seeing "Go Yankees" signs at their local grocery store; Packers fans won't encounter any Go Bears signs this week while walking down the street. And you sure as hell won't see any Browns shit in Pittsburgh. Nope. Just another thing that makes rooting for Cleveland sports so special and great.
  
• And so on

Want to know something else? None of the above looks to improve much in the next five years. And I could have said 10.

Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.

Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)

Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.

So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.

Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.

Go Teams.

Bold statement: The Tribe is the closest to a title

Well, it’s that time of year where all of Cleveland gets pumped to get let down by the Browns while a small smattering of fans still silently wallow in an Indians depression and drink themselves to sleep. Even the most ardent Indians apologists – like myself – have to admit the team is pathetic right now.

BOLD STATEMENT ALERT!! However, I maintain that the Tribe is the closest Cleveland team to a title. GASP! How can I say this? On what grounds??

Glad you asked ...

Historical precedence:

• The Tribe is bad this year, not unlike how bad the team was in 2002 (74-88) and 2003 (68-94), the last time the team was gutted and rebuilt. By 2005 though, we won 93 games. In 2007, we won 96 and were outs away from the World Series. That may have been a miraculous, once-in-a-lifetime event, but it happened, and it shows that the Dolan/Shapiro Indians have turned things around to near title contention quickly after a pathetic patch of baseball.

• Despite the hope surrounding the Holmgren era, there’s no evidence to show the Browns are closer to a title now than in any other year during this last decade of nothingness. Teams in the NFL can turn around quickly, but still, this is the F’ing Browns, and our mini-2007 run at the playoffs notwithstanding, I’ll believe it when I see it.

• The Cavs? We went to the finals ONCE. And it was with the talents of That Other Player in Miami on the team. Those talents, if I'm not mistaken, are in South Beach, and there's no reason to believe the Cavs will ever get close again without him. Gilbert is an owner willing to sell his grandmother into sex slavery to win a title, but until there is some positive team-building minus No. 6, there's no reason to give them an edge over the Tribe, a team that's contended on rags and a small payroll in the recent past.

MLB v NFL v NBA

• Baseball takes its lumps because it rewards the rich teams and poops in the mouth of the mid-market teams. However, a mid-market team that drafts well, trades its veterans well and has a plan to blend all of its young talent together at the right time always has a chance. The window might be smaller, and it might be less fun, but it’s a window, and it can happen out of nowhere—like Tampa Bay the last few years and San Diego this year (or not at all ... sorry Pirates fans).

The minor league system allows a team to constantly tinker and work toward improvement, and we can all watch and get excited about what might be. Prospects are a gamble, and sometimes (OK, often) I get stupidly excited (like when I was pumped for Trevor Crowe in 2006), but it’s a tangible reason to hope. In baseball, the team's next superstar is actually in the organization, developing. In the other sports, a team's future rests in mock drafts or trade rumors.

• With the NFL, things turn on a dime. Spend money on a free agent and he tears every ligament in his knee on the first snap of the preseason, gets staph infection and dies. The hard salary cap and short shelf life of many players makes continuity difficult. Teams come out of nowhere to succeed in any given year, but those teams often disappear just as quickly. It's much more difficult to forecast the future of an NFL team.

• In the NBA, if you don’t have a superstar, you’re totally screwed. And the only way to get one is to draft one high in the draft. The only way to do that is to suck really bad. And even then, the dude you draft might be an over-sized goof who gets his penis exposed on the Internet while recovering from multiple knew surgeries (sorry Greg Oden). Superstars normally stay with the team that drafts them because of how the NBA is setup. That old adage might be changing, with players taking their talents to other places and whatnot, but even if it is—no superstar is willing coming to Cleveland as a free agent. That much we know.

It’s very easy to be a middle-of-the-road NBA team, and the Cavs might be closer to middle-of-the-road than the Tribe, but they are no where near a title. At all. I dare say the Cavs are the furthest team from a title at this moment.

Playoff chances

• The Browns have to be better than the Steelers and the Ravens in any given year to guarantee a spot in the playoffs. And being better than those teams probably means beating them the four combined times we play them in a season. The Bengals are starting to shape up now too. That's a lot of muscle in one division. But say we get a wild card spot. Then the Browns have to beat three teams just to get to the Super Bowl. In the NFL playoffs, any fluky thing can happen. Luck is a huge factor. Bottom line, there have been XLIII Super Bowls. The Browns have had really good teams at various points during that timespan. We've never been in a Super Bowl. I need more than Jake Delhomme and Mike Holmgren to believe the Browns can get this done. Ever.

• The Cavs' division doesn't really matter. They have the best chance of squeaking into the playoffs in any given year because they are in the East. But squeaking into the NBA playoffs doesn't get a team very far, having to win three seven-game series to get to the championship—without a superstar. (The number one seed doesn't seem to get a team very far either.)

• The Tribe is in the Central Division. It is weaker than Travis Hafner's shoulder. The Tigers and White Sox trade years being mediocre, with neither showing any real team-building plan. The Twins usually are good, but not great, and certainly not rich. The Tribe only has to be better than these teams to make the playoffs. Oh, also, the Royals are a team.

From there, beat a team in a five-game series, another in a seven-game series, and it's time to play in the World Series. Definitely not easy, but it's the easiest of the three routes, I believe.

Team future

• The Cavs' future is impossible to predict because they have a large trade exception, and we’re not entirely sure how bad they will be. No.1-pick-level bad?

Having Gilbert helps, but throwing money at problems hasn’t helped the Knicks and I have as many titles as Mark Cuban. So, that’s no guarantee. Right now, as it stands, we’re pinning our hopes on Mo Williams, 34-year-old Antawn Jameson, JJ Hickson and Andy Varejao. Yikes.

• The Browns appear to be heading in the right direction. Holmgren seems to have a plan and our last draft looked decent. But we still have no QB. Jake Delhomme might be serviceable, but he’s not winning a Super Bowl. Colt McCoy looks like a young Charlie Frye. No QB means no shot. Until that changes, they are not winning a Super Bowl.

• The Tribe might lose 100 games this year, which, in a power ranking, would put them at the bottom of the three teams right now. But I still believe wins and losses this year do not paint a picture of this team’s future, which, unlike the Browns, exists in the organization already. Grady Sizemore and Carlos Santana are both out. Despite Grady’s poor play before the injury and Santana’s youth, those are significant injuries. Seriously, replace Pujols with Lou Marson and see how great the Cardinals look.

I hate to keep throwing my penny into the wishing well that is minor league baseball, but the Tribe still has several top prospects that haven't arrived in Cleveland. If the Indians loses 100 games with Choo, Sizemore, LaPorta, Santana, Cabrera, Weglarz, Chisenhall, Carassco, Carmona, Gomez, Rondon, White, Hagadone, Perez, Gardner, Knapp and so on (give or take a name or two), then I’ll officially give in and say they have no shot at contention and should fold the organization. But with baseball, and with the Tribe, in the Central Division, it’s smarter (and easier, I guess) to have a wider perspective, a longer view of the situation.

One hundred losses or not, I still see seeds that may blossom into a contender. And whether it’s how the leagues are setup or historical precedence, I just don’t see it the same way for our other teams.

There it is. The Tribe is the closest to a title. ... Drink up, everybody! First beers are on me. (Who's getting the next 19,000?)

Seriously, No. 6, don't ever come back to Cleveland

Ok, he brought it up, so let's talk about it. If That Other Player in Miami ever, in a million years, ever came back to the Cavs—I would never, in a million years, ever root for him.

I'm the guy who openly admits he would root for a convicted animal rapist as long as he was wearing a Cleveland uniform. That's the job as a fan, to root for the laundry. Charles Manson just got signed as the Browns' punter? Awesome. Hope he does good. Dick Cheney is going to be the Indians' DH? Hope he drives in some runs!

But if No. 6 ever, in a million years, ever came back to play for Cleveland—hell, if he played for the F'ing Lake County Captains—I would refuse to support the team.

Yes, I said it. That's an occasion where hate trumps laundry. Would you root for Art Modell if he came back to be the president of the Browns? I mean, you'd root for the Browns, I guess, but you'd want Modell to get hit by a bus, right? Well, No. 6 would be playing for the Cavs. On the court. The only way for him to fail is for the team to fail. The conflict of interest is so great, I would honestly divorce from the team until he was gone. I'd never watch him play in our uniform again.

Never! F you, No. 6. You're a piece of shit. You may be joking about all of this and acting like it would be a cute story if you came back and played on our team some day, but it's not funny and it's not cute. It's F'ing disgusting. It makes me want to punch your throat even harder than I do now. And if I discussed how hard I already want to punch your throat with a physicist, I'd be told that it's A) impossible for me to ever punch that hard, and B) You can't disembowel someone from a punch to the throat. So, yeah, I'd want to punch you harder than THAT if you came back to the Cavs, you back-stabbing douchebag.

You just don't get it. You hated Cleveland when you were 5 years old, so you treat our fine city indifferently now. Well, how nice and myopic of you. Just another town to take your talents to, right? Wrong, you dumb shit! F you. Never once, in your professional life (which for us, started when you were 15) did we ever treat you less than a god. We loved you unconditionally. You could have murdered a room full of puppies when you were 16, but if you just stayed here in Cleveland and said you liked us, we wouldn't have cared. But guess what? You F'd us. And you couldn't have cared less. And you did it on F'ing national TV no less. So, if you ever do come back, it's not some sort of Disney fairy tale to us. It's an insult. It's an afterthought. It's you saying "F it, [No. 6] ain't got nothing better to do, so we're going back to Cleveland."

What's done is done. We shouldn't have loved you that much in the first place, and we know that now. You "hated" Cleveland because we stole your favorite stuffed animal when you were in kindergarten or something, and we know that now too. You never gave a shit about us. So, in turn, never, in a million years, ever will we love you again. Keep your talents in South Beach. Win titles. Or don't. Whatever. Just be sure to F off and stay out of Cleveland. That's all I want out of you for the next million or so years.

Go Cavs.

Cleveland sports forecast 2010-2011: The quest for .500

It's been almost a month since LeBetrayal. And LeBitterness is still palpable, but LeReality is setting in about the Cleveland sports scene. Grab a helmet or bite down on a leather strap because we're about to discuss it.

In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?

After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.

As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?

Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011

Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!

This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9

Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52

Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89

Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.

Go teams.

In the wake of The Decision, I'm calling out Cleveland fans

There's not much vitriol left in the atmosphere to write about how much I now despise That Other Player in Miami. Most sports writers out there have already done an exemplary job. All I'll say to finalize the moment, as the cherry on the diahrrea, is I now would rather makeout with Joakim Noah than ever watch That Other Player in Miami win another game. I'd rather bomb an abortion clinic with Tim Tebow than see That Other Player in Miami experience even the slightest bit of joy. I would rather put on a Kendrick Perkins jersey, fly to Boston and root for the Celtics before I would ever NOT throw batteries at That Other Player in Miami's head. I don't even know if that last one makes sense, but as Dan Gilbert proved, hate trumps grammar and mechanics sometimes.

But I'm not here to talk about that. One reason is, I'm actually enjoying hating That Other Player in Miami. It's been a lot of fun thus far. Everyone is doing it! If you're NOT writing a column about how much a douchebag No.6 is, then you just aren't cool. If you haven't burned a No.23 jersey, you're a prude.

If he had the balls and ego enough to do what he did, if he wanted "take his game to South Beach" that bad, then F him.

And this is where my real point begins. I don't think enough Cleveland fans really believe those words. We will all say "F him!! I hate that guy!" But when the Cavs season rolls around, when we all really have the chance to make a statement, we won't.

What statement is that? Continuing to go and support the Cavs, for better and worse. For as much as we all want That Other Player in Miami to drink battery acid and die, he was the only reason so many people went to Cavs games. Did you read one of those "Cleveland will lose so much money when he leaves" stories? Well, they probably were right. And the fact that they probably were right pisses me off more than The Decision.

That Other Player in Miami doesn't have to cost the city money. The Decision doesn't have to END BASKETBALL IN CLEVELAND! But since this city is full of fair weather fans, it just might. And that pisses me off.

Remember after Sept. 11, when people quit shopping and the government started curtailing our freedom, there was the cry "Don't do that or the terrorists will win!" That's how I feel about our situation now. When the fair weather fans in this city feel sorry of themselves or lose interest because the team is losing, That Other Player in Miami wins.

How many titles did we win before LeBron (since '64)? Zero. How many did we win with LeBron? Zero. How many will we win after LeBron? .... Well, clearly the answer will still be zero. But so what? If the answer is always zero, and yet fans still turned out in droves to watch That Other Player in Miami, why stop turning out now? This might sound too philosophical and bit absurd, but winning 61 games in the regular season, at a certain point, isn't any different than winning 17. You can still have beers before the game. You can still cheer and boo during the game. You can still have beers after the game and enjoy the camaraderie of a city, win or lose. And in both scenarios we still lose in the end. This is more about being in a brotherhood with your fellow sports fan than it is about some final ultimate glory.

Clevelanders readily admit that we suck and we don't win and all that, and yet when a team has no chance—when it's blatantly Clevelandesque, like the Tribe—we don't go. It's too much to bare. It's no fun. Well, that's dumb. Either you are with us or against us. Either you only cared about That Other Player in Miami or you care about Cleveland. Either you will now quit following the Cavs or you will be a stand-up human being and drink beer downtown.

Please, feel free to bitch and moan. Feel free to hate That Other Player in Miami and any other traitor that leaves our city. But please don't quit the Cavs (just as you've done with the Tribe). That Player didn't blow up the arena. It's still there, with seats and everything. Don't contribute to the demise of downtown. Go to games and be a Clevelander. If not now, when the team isn't good ... when?

Not satisfied with that? Don't care about the tradition, loyalty and camaraderie? You want to see a championship? Then move. Or build a time machine. I'm sure 1948 will be very impressed with your iPhone.

Go Cavs.

Aaaaahhhh!!: My time line of LeBron emotions

Here's a quick time line of my life on The Decision Eve:

6:30. Woke up feeling good. Been riding a high ever since going down to the Fan Tunnel on Saturday. The vibe in the city felt positive and supportive. It felt very un-Cleveland, and that vibe has stayed with me. At this point, I fully believe LeBron will stay. I have a theory on why.

8:30. Eating my oatmeal by the filing cabinets and I debut my theory. Here goes: LeBron is staying in Cleveland, and he's always wanted to stay here. So why do all of this free agency stuff? Just to show he could. Instead of driving and around NYC and Miami and Chicago, he said F you, come to Cleveland and tell me why I should leave. He wore sweat pants and a t-shirts. Why? Because F you, I'm LeBron James, you need me, I don't need you. He saw the signs; he felt the love. The primetime TV show announcing his decision? F you, I'm going to do this because I can. Because people will honestly tune in just to watch me pick a team. All of this elaborately shows that even from Cleveland, he can host a primetime TV show based around anything he wants.

8:35. Heard Bosh is signing with Miami. This could have derailed my optimism, but I still don't buy it. I've got my theory after all. And my Home sign. How could he leave us behind? Not buying it.

8:36. Fuck Chris Bosh. Why is he so great? I'm going to throw batteries at him when the Heat come to town.

9:30. Tell my theory a few more times. Feeling good.

10:45. Feel like making a bet with a co-worker. I'm POSITIVE LeBron will stay. I'll put any amount on it. We'll discuss parameters at lunch.

11:00. After a variety of LeBron emails, none with any real importance, all of a sudden, without warning, all of my confidence drained. I read LeBron's name in a subject line and then envisioned this primetime show tomorrow. Here is what happened in my brain:

LeBron. Primetime. Cleveland. Sports. Big stage. Life-altering decision. Potentially crippling. Sports. Cleveland. Cleveland. Big stage. Whole world watching ...... Um, why am I so confident?????

And just as I thought this, a co-worker sends this email: "Full Panic Mode."

Gulp.

12:30. At lunch. Non-stop LeBron talk. Some hopeful voices. Many panicked voices. Some angry voices. A decent peach. Still in full panic mode.

2:00. Read a blog post that says Cavs are one of several teams pushing hard for Carlos Boozer in a last second attempt to woo James. Wow. So many feelings. Is it possible that the Cavs pull off a sign and trade, get Boozer and then LeBron leaves!!! That would mean in 2011 I have to root for Carlos Boozer and NOT LeBron James. Fuck me. In the ass. No lube.

3:00. Read a good column on SI.com. He echoes thoughts I had earlier: Does LeBron James really have the balls to call a live press conference in primetime just to tell the city of Cleveland to fuck off? I say no. Horrible public relations decision... Feeling a little better.

3:30. Read a damning column about LeBron on Yahoo. Very well written. So well written that I kind of hate LeBron right now. I kind of feel like I want him to leave just so I can hate him and call him an egotistical douchebag. I kind of want to root against him for the rest of my life and tell my grandkids about how much I hate him.

3:31. I snap out of it a little. Just going to hold onto that hatred for tomorrow night.

4:45. Listening to talk radio. Hear Boozer signs with the Bulls. Kind of a relief. But yet another reason for LeBron to leave. Ugh. I'd call this a circus, but the circus is fun. This is more like a dropping of Agent Orange.

5:15. Hear LeBron or his marketing firm (unsure which from the two friends I spoke to) has filed to change addresses to Chicago. That is factual. No rumor or opinion here. There was a change of address. Yet again, and with anger—wow. Would LeBron really go THAT far just to throw us off the scent? Is it a red herring? For the sake of my fist and living room wall tomorrow night, I hope so. But this revelation really rocks me. Not good times.

7:00. Conversation with a buddy on the phone. Talk was very depressing. We hate this. We hate that. We are throwing up about this. We are going to throw feces at that. ... This is becoming extremely unhealthy. .. Talk ends with positive feelings about the Tribe. Read that again. Seriously, shoot me in the face.

OK. That's enough. Bottom line? I'm F'd up. This situation is F'd up. I really cannot take any more of this. Do I think LeBron will sign? No clue. I'm still, end of the day, leaning toward yes—despite the address change and all the other signings. Mostly because, if I'm not leaning toward yes, then I have to unleash a tirade of bitterness the likes of which the world has never seen. And I don't feel like doing that yet.

And I just don't think he has the balls to stab us in the back on live TV. Which I guess would more technically be a stab to the face. Do you, LeBron? Do you have the balls to stab us in the face? You certainly didn't against the Celtics. You know who did? Delonte. Your mom told me.

(Ooooh, did that sting? Well, there's more where that came from if you leave, you son of a bitch. But please don't leave. Cleveland loves you. ... God, I'm a mess.)

Go Cavs.

Game 6

Game 5 felt like a funeral. It felt like something died in the Q. I'm not sure what died—Game 5, LeBron's career, his career in Cleveland, the Cavs organization, the Cleveland sports scene, the entire city of Cleveland, or just this series against Boston—but something definitely died. It reminded me of the Buckeyes' 2006 National Championship game—before now, the most depressing full game I've ever seen that required a eulogy at its conclusion.

And it depressed me. I felt jarred. I felt like so much ended in those 48 minutes. I actually considered trying not to care as much about sports as a result. What's the point? All I wanted was to just one time witness a championship in Cleveland, and if LeBron can't deliver it, I need to just give up. I hear this American Idol show is pretty consuming. Maybe I'll try that.

I'm not ruling that out, but I've toned the rhetoric down a little bit. I still think the sky is falling, but I'm not going to let that dampen my spirits. The point of watching and caring about this dumb stuff was never really about the championships—afterall, never won one—it's just about the watching and caring itself. My mom helped remind me of this on the phone today.

Me: I really think I'm going to distance myself from this stuff. I mean, that was just terrible.
Mom: Yea, so? That's what happens here. You know that.
Me: ..... Yea, but....

Doesn't matter what I said next. This woman who hardly ever watches one of these damn games was completely right. She knows. She's lived here her whole life in a family of sports fans, wanting these teams to win. We just don't. Why is this different? We get excited and get let down. But we watch. That's just what we do. I'm not letting one crappy, disinterested game dampen the passion I have for my crappy teams.

And just within the last hour, I've decided I'm not going to let that crappy, disinterested game make me walk into Game 6 as a LeBron hater. I kind of wanted to for most of the day. His passive play just made me too mad, sad, depressed and fearful. But it was, admittedly, a little unfair. My true hatred for his play, I think, rested in the whole "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!! WE HAVE TO WIN NOW!!!" The possibility of LeBron leaving heightened the importance of everything, probably too much.

But I'm turning that around. The "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!" means that Game 6 really, honestly might be the very last time we all root for LeBron James. I know Game 5 felt that way, but Game 6 really might be, for real. Think about that. The last seven years of my life were devoted to every step LeBron has taken, and Game 6 may be the last time I even want him to live. It seems inappropriate and sad, as a true Cleveland fan, to not believe in the man at least one last time.

I do think we're going to lose, and I do think he's going to leave this summer, but there's plenty of time to be hateful and bitter when it's all officially over. I know we all look forward to being bitter, but let's just walk into at least one more game as believers of LeBron before we return to our mediocre sports cesspool. He's brought basketball in this city to heights never imagined—no matter how bad and sleepy he looked in Game 5. The least we can do is tell his doubters to Fuck Off one last time before we hate him for life. Right? Who's with me?!

Go Cavs.

The real reason LeBron should stay in Cleveland

Note: This is a Typical Cleveland Fan post. There are two versions of the Typical Cleveland Fan. There's the one before the season who declares the Browns are going to the Super Bowl with Brady Quinn as the QB. And then there's this one. ... Put on a coat, it's going to get bitterly cold in here. Actually, it's just going to get bitter. But put a coat on anyway. This is Cleveland; it's cold out.

I swear I'm not calling out LeBron James. I love him like gray skies love Northeast Ohio. I'd give my sense of smell so that he'd stay here his whole career.

But. Dude. Come on now. You too?

My life has been filled with false sports idols. Albert Belle. Manny Ramirez. Jim Thome. Brady Quinn. Kenny Lofton. Mark Price. Brad Daugherty. CC Sabathia. Bernie Kosar. ... are you seriously going to add your name to this list?

And just what is this list? It appears to be a random list of great players (or semi-terrible in Quinn's case) that I liked for various reasons throughout my life. And yes, that's exactly what it is. Whether I love or hate these guys now is irrelevant. At one time, I believed in all of them and thought they would be the guy that would lead Cleveland into the winner's circle. And all of them failed. Every last one of them. I was like Jacob in "Lost," hoping the next guy would be The One. The guy that would prove everyone wrong. That things could change. He would win. Here. Cleveland.

Nope. None of them.

And I'm only 25! That's just under half of our title drought. People like my uncle have been kicked in the nads more times than bad guys in kids movies.

Our last title was 1964. And who was on the team? Jim Brown. The last TRULY great athlete our city had before LeBron. There were other really awesome ones, like the names listed above, but none like Jim Brown, and none like LeBron. So .... Brown = Title ; Brown = LeBron; LeBron = Title?

Um, right? ... [Rewatching Game 2 against Boston.] ... Uh oh.

Come on! ... I tell myself ... He's now a two-time MVP of the NBA! He is flat out the most gifted basketball player breathing. He imposes his will on teams. And he's STILL playing with a cast of characters that shrink when it matters most. He has to do it all by himself!

I kind of agree with myself there. But here's the unfortunate truth everyone: Because LeBron is the best player on earth, and because he can, does and should impose his will on other teams, the burden is on him to win the title. Period. Heavy is the head that wears the crown; and if a guy tattoos "King" and "Chosen One" on himself, then his head should feel like Shaq after a trip to McDonalds. All TRULY great NBA players win titles, no excuses. Clearly, LeBron has time to win a title for the next decade, (Probably on another team. I mean, right?) but a trend is starting to develop here. This team has had the best record in the league for two straight years, so it's not like everyone on the team is a total stiff. At some point, these failures and sad or pathetic or gut-wrenching losses have to be the fault of LeBron, right? I mean, if he is TRULY great, and if he's coaching the team and not Mike Brown, and if the team has taken on his personality, and if he is their leader, and if they defer to him at all times..... then it's ALL on him. Good, bad or Game-2-level truly pathetic.

If LeBron fails again, which I now believe he will, (Yup, I'm that guy. Sorry. I want to be wrong. Please prove me wrong. Anybody.) put his name on the wall next to Cliff Lee and Brian Sype and Ernest Byner and all the other losers I mentioned. Good guys? Yes. Great athletes? You bet. Legendary Cleveland athletes I'll tell my grand kids about? Absolutely. Ultimately a bunch of losers? Unfortunately, yes.

But my real thesis behind this entire post: If LeBron fails again, then he should definitely re-sign with the Cavs this summer. Not because he owes us a title or because he'll have unfinished business or because his favorite pizza place is here. It's because he's truly one of us. Seriously. Our homegrown savior, born and bred to play basketball better than anyone else, drafted by us, worshiped by us—who ultimately fails in the end. Now THAT is a true Clevelander.

Wow. That was brutally bitter. I apologize. I hope this looks stupid in a month. Go Cavs.

Questions of our Cavs reality

If you've never watched the show Lost before, well, you can't start now because it is confusing. Anyhow, last season there was a big decision, one that could alter the fates of the cast and possibly the rest of the world—or nothing could really happen at all. No one was sure. That season ended and no one knew how this season would start. Which reality would we be in? The answer is both. The show, at least this far, has parallel narratives. Two worlds, one in which they changed the future, and a second where they changed nothing. And thus far, we are watching how both of them play out.

I wish I had this ability with the Cavs for the rest of the season.

After heisting Jamison from Washington and sending Z out of a Cavs uniform for the first time since I taped new episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Danny Ferry has altered the course of Cleveland sports, for better or worse ... or maybe it's a push. Unfortunately, we can't see all of the realities play out. Here would be our options:

• Stand firm. We keep Z, keep the team intact, ride the 13-game win streak, maintain yet another dominant regular season and make a run at the first title in close to 50 years in Cleveland. Maybe we don't win it, but we have a better chance than last year where matchup problems that were obvious in the regular season ultimately sunk us in the post season. That was corrected in the offseason, or so it seems, so there really is no NEED to make a trade—at least for this year's goals. But beyond this year? Two old centers with expiring contracts and the same average to mediocre supporting class staring the Greatest Free Agent of All Time in the face as every NBA team with a max contract courts him.
Title possibility: 75%
Keep LeBron possibility: 65%
Possible level of regret: (1 out of 10): 7

• Trade Z, part 1. We trade Z for Antawn Jamison. Jamison takes a couple games, gets acclimated, plays solid and fits in. Z gets bought out by the Wizards, waits 30 days and comes back. Rotations get set and we roll into the playoffs like Sherman through Atlanta. In the off season, having a quality, near-All-Star teammate to pair with Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao, LeBron is slightly more intrigued to stay put in Cleveland.
Title possibility: 95%
Keep LeBron possiblity: 80%
Possible level of regret: 0

• Trade Z, part 2. We trade Z for Antawn Jamison. Jamison takes a couple games, gets acclimated, plays solid and fits in. Z either stays with the Wizards or signs with another team, causing the saddest sight since that oil spill in Saved By The Bell left all of those ducks covered in oil. Rotations get set and we roll into the playoffs. Z, in another uniform, possibly watches the team he gave his heart and soul to for 13 years win a title without him. In the off season, having a quality, near-All-Star teammate to pair with Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao, LeBron is slightly more intrigued to stay put in Cleveland.
Title possibility: 90%
Keep LeBron possiblity: 80%
Possible level of regret: 10

Would all of these scenarios net a title? Do none of them? Which scenarios keep LeBron? Where is John Locke when you need him?

.............

In our singular reality, we know scenario No.1 is out, and we're all rooting for No.2, but No.3 is definitely in play. If scenario 3 happens, I'm going to constantly wonder how scenario 1 would have played out. If we don't win the title, I'm going to wonder if we messed with chemistry too much or inflicted "The Curse of Z" on the team and lost for karmic reasons. I will feel like we should have stood pat.

But I'll feel a little bit of relief too.

Why? Because I don't want to live through a reality where a Cleveland team finally triumphs and takes home a title with the blood of our most loyal soldier on our hands. I don't want to wash the dirt of that trade off in the champagne celebration. I want the championship to feel earned, not coldly acquired. I don't want the joyless, robotic happiness of a Yankees title celebration.

I want the guys that deserve to be there to be there, and really, the only guy that deserves to be there is Z. I know LeBron deserves it the most in one respect because he's responsible for our title hopes, but LeBron doesn't know what it's like to play on shit teams in front of 10 people or face the possibility of retiring early because of injuries. LeBron hasn't spent his entire career loving this city. In fact, we're in constant fear that he doesn't love us. Hell, half the reason Z was traded is because LeBron might leave us this summer.

We had to pry Cleveland out of Z's cold lurpy hands. That's the difference. That's why Z deserves it more than anyone.

But I might want something that's impossible. If pro sports has shown me anything since my birth, it's that evil wins. The Yankees buy players, and they win. The Steelers break a guy's knee in half with a dirty play, and they win. Belicheck spies on teams and he wins. Barry Bonds becomes the homerun champ. Maybe the only way to break our generational losing streak is to trade in our soul and our integrity.

And if that is indeed the price, I'm not sure I'm going to feel it was worth it. I might think it was worth it. (Ah, who am I kidding I'll be drunk for 3 months. I'll feel it was worth it.) And if I do, I'm not sure I should. Layoffs and outsourcing are always worth it to CEOs when they keep the business profitable, but that doesn't necessarily make it right. These are the questions I don't want to answer. I want to win a title and I want to win it as a Cleveland team, not a Boston team.

... But then again, I do want that title monkey off the back of the city. I'm tired of Cleveland just being a city of losers, leading lists of miserable cities and causing laughter among sports pundits. Maybe the greatest sacrifice Z could make for the city he has adopted as his own is to be traded to build this team and let it win a title.

All I know is I read Faust. Deals with the devil don't work how you plan. They might work on paper, but they don't fill the ultimate void in your life. Fortunately, we have an out Faust didn't have. It's scenario 2. The buyout, 30-day loophole. It doesn't guarantee a title much more than any other scenario, but it guarantees us our soul. And I think that's what matters to me the most.

I think.

Just like Lost, there are too many questions and too many possibilities. How will it play out? How will we feel? Is there a perfect plan? We'll definitely get a conclusion, but I'm not sure we'll get an answer.

Go Cavs.

Et tu, Ferry?

Woke up today to strong rumors suggesting that Amare Stoudemire will come to the Cavs in exchange for JJ Hickson and Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

I'm the guy who wanted a trade at last year's deadline. I'm the guy who wanted a trade for the first few months of this season. I'm the guy who continues to say this team is LeBron and a bunch of scrubs (admittedly, a bit of an overstatement) and would be unstoppable with a legit second-banana All Star to pair with LeBron.

Stoudemire is an All Star. So why am I so bummed out?

Well, it's partly because I no longer feel this team needs to make a trade. We don't have the matchup issues that inevitably ended our season last year. I don't think our league best record is the fool's gold it was last year.

And it's partly because I'm just not a big fan of Stoudemire. From everything I've heard, he's kind of a pouter and a headcase. He needs the ball, valuing his role more than victories. He didn't mesh with Shaq last year. He is an atrocity on defense. He owes a lot of his career success to Steve Nash, and I'm not convinced his potential positives will outweigh his negatives—especially considering how much of our success comes from our elite team chemistry.

But mostly I'm bummed because we'd be trading Z.

The thing is, trading Z makes perfect sense. He's a big expiring contract with a diminished role on the team who could net a starter from another team looking to dump salary. He's like Wally Szczerbiak was last year, you know, when we didn't make a trade to improve the team and inevitably lost in the post season. So what's the difference?

Z is the Cavs! Yes, I said it. LeBron is our savior, but Z is family. We're not sure if LeBron is going to stay with us; Z came from halfway around the world and adopted our city as his own depressed, cold home away from depressed, cold home. He wanted nothing more to stay with the Cavs, even though the team was more unwatchable than an episode of Teen Mom. We Cleveland fans like to think we deserve a title, but we just sit on our couches and watch guys play. Z has been here for 14 years—much of which has been filled with foot injuries and bad teams. If anyone deserves a chance to win a title because of dedication and perseverance, it is Z, not us.

If we trade Z, we're spitting on one of our own. If the move wins us a championship (a large assumption), it's tainted. We're the fans that despise Jim Thome and Carlos Boozer for taking more money and leaving us behind, right? Well then shouldn't we extend our hearts and show loyalty to the proud few who choose to stay here? Can we really root for or enjoy a team that sent a loyal guy packing when it didn't really need to?

Allegedly, Z will be bought out by the Suns and then we will sign him back after 30 days, which would essentially give us Stoudemire straight up for Hickson, which is a pretty good heist, despite everything I've said about Stoudemire. Can't fault that move if it happens (you know, unless it wrecks our chemistry).

But I don't trust it. I watch Big Brother, and when an alliance tells someone, "Hey, we're going to just put you up on the block as a pawn. We're not voting you out. No seriously, we're not. I swear to God, you are just there as a patsy. We're voting out the other person." That person goes out every time.

Not that beggars can be choosers, but that's not how I want to win a title. I don't want the pursuit of the ultimate goal to compromise our integrity as Cleveland fans. I mean, I've seen the people that sell their soul to win Big Brother. They are douchebags. Sure, they are douchebags with half a million dollars, but they are douchebags nonetheless. Just keep that in mind when you watch Z walk out that door.

A reminder to enjoy the LeBron era

During the Grammy pre-game show on Sunday, Lady Gaga indirectly had a profound impact on my Cleveland fan outlook. As you may know, Lady Gaga is a performer known for her over-the-top shows and outrageous outfits. When asked what we could expect from her on music's biggest night, she simply said:

"Don't expect, just enjoy."

...........

During the LeBron era, the Cavs have raised expectations for success. In Cleveland, that says something. It's genetically impossible for us to expect to win. Ninety-nine percent of the time we don't just expect to lose, we know we're going to lose. It's like a game of Clue. We know someone is dead, that's not the issue, we just need to figure out how it happened this time.

But the only reason we're not pessimists 100 percent of the time is because of LeBron. The homegrown savior. The best athlete in the world. The Chosen One. His greatness makes it possible for our miserable city to believe a championship is within reason— a hope that's been here for seven fantastic years.

That's a good thing right? Well, kind of. Like I said, that hope leads to expectations. We have given LeBron that one percent ... so now he has to win it. He has to do it because if he doesn't, sports in this city will never recover. I truly believe that. Seriously, we don't win a title with the best basketball player in the world, and I'm supposed to believe we're going to win a title some other time? Get out of here. So there's that fear. And to top it off, it's very possible that all of this excitement ends after this season. The summer of 2010 has been marked on our calendars since the summer of 2007—the last time we were in this position. LeBron might leave.

Combine all of that and what do you have? A tendency to drift out of the moment. The Cavs won another game in January? That's nice. Wake me up in June. To paraphrase Johnny Moxon, this is one season for the rest of our lives. Last year proved our record doesn't matter. We'll make the playoffs and THEN the games matter. Basketball mortality is a distinct possibility next year. This season, it is championship or fuck off.

And while that's how we should feel for the context of our long-suffering situation, Lady Gaga has a point. We can't let those expectations cloud what's happening in front of us. I know it's a duh statement, but as I've perhaps overstated several times now, we're watching the best basketball player in the world every night. We're watching maybe the best Cleveland athlete of all time other than Jim Brown. It's happening right now in front of us. Should we feel let down if it doesn't end in a title? Should we only halfheartedly follow the regular season, missing games here or there because ... well, it's not playoff time yet?

This time next year, we might be watching Mo Williams lead this same team to 25 wins. Greatness could come and go, hardly saying goodbye, and that will be it. If LeBron leaves this summer, you might as well flash forward to your 80s where you'll be telling your grandkids about the only time Cleveland fans really believed they were going to win a title. Your snotty grandkids will laugh and say, "Cleveland used to have pro-sports teams?" And you'll fight back tears and the desire to smack them in the mouth, and you'll say:

"Yes, we had three major sports teams, and for decades they were unlucky and miserable. And whenever things got good, they turned bad quickly. There were so many near victories and out-right miseries that we developed a complex about it, so much so that it became our entire identity. It swallowed us whole. And right before it all became too much and we all lost our minds and all of our teams left, we had LeBron. He was the best player in the game of basketball. My god, to see him run a team was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. His passes crisp and masterful. His drives to the basket unstoppable. His charisma off the charts. And he was an Ohio guy to boot. We had a connection to the guy that went beyond sports. He was ours, and he was the best. That meant something to us. ..."

And then hopefully you'll trail on and on about all of the memories and highlights LeBron gave us for however long he was here. If there's a title or two to throw in, you'll definitely mention those, but hopefully you'll remember that time he dunked over Tim Duncan to start the year they went to the Finals for the first time in team history; or when he went shot for shot with Dwayne Wade to end a half in a January game in the '09-'10 season; or that time near the end of the '05-'06 season against the Nets when he stole the ball, went like a freight train to the hoop, and literally with three guys trying to foul him to the ground, he jumped and got a shot off and made it—a hoop that led to a big late season win. You'll say, "I've never seen anything like it" countless times. You may even let those tears loose at some point.

And if there aren't any titles to speak of, and you're about to die without ever having seen a Cleveland championship, you'll be bitter. Damn straight you'll be bitter. That's probably why your grandkids hate you so much. But we can't let that possible future dampen our enthusiasm in this moment. We have the rest of our lives to hold onto that bitterness, and we have the rest of our lives to follow other mediocre teams into near misses and tragic failures. But we may only have half a season left with the greatest athlete we've ever seen. Yes, he might leave. But for now, he's ours, and that means something.

Don't expect, just enjoy.

The Cleveland 19

With a new year upon us, it's a good idea to stop and take stock of our Cleveland sports scene. I like to do this with a concept called the Cleveland 19. It's a ranking of the top 19 athletes in our city based on their talent, importance to their team, potential for the future and their loyalty to the city. I throw all of those factors into a blender and determine the top 19. Why 19? In honor of the great Bernie Kosar, of course. To give an idea of how much the landscape has evolved from the last time I did this, check out the 2007 list:

19. Jhonny Peralta/Jake Westbrook
18. Jamal Lewis
17. Asdrubal Cabrera
16. Anderson Varejao
15. Josh Cribbs
14. Boobie Gibson
13. Derek Anderson / Brady Quinn
12. Eric Steinbach
11. Raffy Betancourt
10. Z / Phil Dawson
9. CC Sabathia
8. Travis Hafner
7. Fausto Carmona
6. Kellen Winslow Jr.
5. Grady Sizemore
4. Braylon Edwards
3. Joe Thomas
2. Victor Martinez
1. Lebron James

You'll notice five of those guys are no longer in Cleveland (which doesn't even include Cliff Lee because this was 2007, you know, when he sucked. I listed him in my anti-top 5. Nice, huh?), and another six had to be removed for various levels of sucking (Derek Anderson, anyone?). For sure, the 2010 list isn't as star-studded, but it's got a lot of heart, grit and possibility. It's more fitting of our city in that way. All it's missing is the raw sewage smell that pops up now and then.

The Potentials
19. Carlos Santana — Santana has yet to even see a Tribe uniform, and who knows, he may continue to light up the minors throughout 2010, but he symbolizes the hope that exists for the next generation of Tribe teams. Moves were made in 2009 based on his scheduled developmental process. His spot on this list is due to this potential and the fact that he'll be in our city for at least the next seven years, barring unforeseen tragedies.

18. Matt LaPorta / Michael Brantley — Both arrived in the CC trade and both hope to be building blocks for our Tribe. Brantley had a solid debut at the end of 2009 and looks to make an impact on the top of the order this year. LaPorta was a little more uneven, but I'm sure his place on this list gives him the appropriate motivation to realize his potential and hit bombs.

17. Jerome Harrison — Say it with me now: It's about time! We've all waited and waited for the day when Harrison would get consistent playing time. This finally happened during the historic Four-Game Win Streak of 2009. Harrison may not be the answer at RB, but the guy definitely showed the burst that Lewis lacked, hitting holes that may have been there all along. Harrison may be another Lee Suggs mirage, but for now, Harrison looks like an important part of the Browns latest rebuild. No one can get me down on the Browns since The Four-Game Win Streak, and no one can talk me out of putting this 5-foot-5-inch dude at No. 17.

16. Alex Mack — I know half the city wishes this guy's name was Rey Maualaga and the other half wishes it was Clay Matthews Jr., and the other half wishes it was James Laurainatis, while still another half wishes it was Beanie Wells (is that enough halves?)....um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. No matter how many guys he could be, Mack had a solid first year playing a very demanding position for a team with little offensive identity or flow for most of 2009. I think he did enough to solidify another piece of an offensive line that remains one of the few decent parts of the Browns.

15. 2010 First Round Pick — Seriously, whoever you are, you better be at least this good.

14. Chris Perez — OK, maybe this is too high, but I felt like rewarding Perez for his dominance late in a lost season. He was virtually untouchable after an initially rocky start. And on a team with so many pitching problems, any sort of dominance is welcome. I also needed to fill the token"Perez" bullpen entry from the Tribe.

The Question Marks
13. Shaun Rogers — A healthy Rogers is the best pass-rushing defensive tackle in the game. His contribution often gets lost amid the depression, misery and ineptitude of the rest of his team, but not on the Cleveland 19. His spot on this list is definitely conditional on his ability to stand up straight and walk, which is maybe 50/50 at this point.

12. Delonte West — Whether you're looking for a lock down defender or an initiator for the offense, West is your guy. Oh, and if you need someone to chase after a foe on a motorcycle and gun them down at high speeds, he's your guy for that too. If we could count on West, he'd probably be higher, but his play is too erratic. I'd like to keep him off the list entirely, but he's just too important to the future success of the Cavs to ignore. He can keep this spot until he becomes more consistent, gets trade or murders a pack of stray dogs.

The Elder Statesmen
11. Phil Dawson — The man has been on the Browns since 1999. That must feel like 1929 to him. He deserves a purple heart. Until then, he will remain entrenched in the middle of the Cleveland 19.

10. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — In terms of loyalty, no one matches Z. His shot, at first rocky this season, has settled into that cozy comfort zone. He accepted a lesser role with class for the good of the team and the city, and he even put the oddest and most inexplicable slight of all time (being benched for the first time ever on the day he would become the all-time games played leader) behind him. I'd take a bullet for Z.

The Glue Guys
9. Andy Varejao — We all know if he was on another team, we'd be rooting for him to tear both his ACLs. But he's on our team, and his tenacity and intangibles on the court are almost as important to the team success as you know who (see No.1). But when he dribbles, I punch the nearest child.

8. Jake Westbrook — I know, I know. The dude had Tommy John and may not even pitch this year. But think about the pitching rotation next year. Are you thinking? OK. Now clean up the vomit. The Tribe needs Jake like Abraham Lincoln needed a door to his balcony. The man signed a deal to stay here, which doesn't happen often with the Tribe and if he comes back as the same guy, he'll play a huge part as the reliable veteran starter on a young team.

7. Asdrubal Cabrera — There's a new wizard at shortstop and he wears a pearl necklace. Cabrera has excited me ever since we shipped Eduardo Perez to Seattle in one of the dumbest trades ever. Even if he doesn't improve anymore, I'll be happy, but I can't help but feel he has one more level to go.

Second Bananas
6. Mo Williams — I labeled him "a chucker" when he came over from Milwaukee, but he has become the second scorer next to you know who (see No.1). His importance to the team was evidenced by the early exit against the Magic. If his shot is off, this team's chances go from pretty good to kind of average. That's not a large gap, but it's the difference between wins and losses in the playoffs, which is how this Cavs team is being measured. I believe he will overcome his choke in 2009. No. 6, Mo! Let's make it happen this year!

5. Shin Soo Choo — Arguably, the best pure baseball player on the team. The Tribe should have him for the next few years, and in that time, he should be consistently averaging .290/.401/.800 with 25 steals. So long as the Korean army stays away, Choo is a lock for the top 7 for awhile.

4. Joe Thomas — There's not much you can say about an offensive lineman. I'll let his three straight Pro Bowls do the talking. And don't give me that he's overrated. Cleveland players don't just make it to All-Star games. They have to earn it. Just ask DA. (Umm, nevermind.)

Faces of the Franchise
3. Grady Sizemore — We've got Grady for probably two more years. Sorry to get all real on you with that statement, but it's true. So, while he's here, let's celebrate. When healthy, Grady is the Indians. No doubt. He's fully taken the Face of t he Franchise reins vacated by Victor. (And no, Grady isn't strategically placing the reins in front of his penis. Don't mock those in the Top 3. Just don't.)

2. Josh Cribbs — From a local college, signed as a walk-on, Cribbs has scratched and clawed for everything he's earned in the NFL. The money, the adoration, the role on the offense, the TV show on Fox Sports Ohio—all of it. And now, he earns the coveted Spot Below LeBron and is the Face of the Franchise for the Browns. In the words of KGB in Rounders, "Pay thet min...pay thet min his maah-knee."

The King
1. LeBron James — You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.