Cleveland 19, End of the world edition

The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.

The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.

Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!

Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"

17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.

14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).

13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.

9. Colt McCoy - See above.

OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?

These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.

The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.

The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.

16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.

Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.

Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.

The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.

12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.

Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!

10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.

9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.

The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.

7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.

6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.

Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.

5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)

4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.

3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.

2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.

1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.

I hate LeBron James, but I'm not a racist (I swear!)

I'm a fan boy. Through and through. For example, I love Metallica. They can put out shitty albums and I will say "they were trying something different." They can attack everyone's beloved Napster and I will say "hey man, shouldn't musicians earn money for their art?" And so on.

This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.

This is why I hate LeBron James.

I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.

Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.

I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.

In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.

And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!

My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?

And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.

In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.

Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.

Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.

Cleveland sports forecast 2010-2011: The quest for .500

It's been almost a month since LeBetrayal. And LeBitterness is still palpable, but LeReality is setting in about the Cleveland sports scene. Grab a helmet or bite down on a leather strap because we're about to discuss it.

In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?

After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.

As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?

Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011

Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!

This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9

Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52

Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.

Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89

Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.

Go teams.

In the wake of The Decision, I'm calling out Cleveland fans

There's not much vitriol left in the atmosphere to write about how much I now despise That Other Player in Miami. Most sports writers out there have already done an exemplary job. All I'll say to finalize the moment, as the cherry on the diahrrea, is I now would rather makeout with Joakim Noah than ever watch That Other Player in Miami win another game. I'd rather bomb an abortion clinic with Tim Tebow than see That Other Player in Miami experience even the slightest bit of joy. I would rather put on a Kendrick Perkins jersey, fly to Boston and root for the Celtics before I would ever NOT throw batteries at That Other Player in Miami's head. I don't even know if that last one makes sense, but as Dan Gilbert proved, hate trumps grammar and mechanics sometimes.

But I'm not here to talk about that. One reason is, I'm actually enjoying hating That Other Player in Miami. It's been a lot of fun thus far. Everyone is doing it! If you're NOT writing a column about how much a douchebag No.6 is, then you just aren't cool. If you haven't burned a No.23 jersey, you're a prude.

If he had the balls and ego enough to do what he did, if he wanted "take his game to South Beach" that bad, then F him.

And this is where my real point begins. I don't think enough Cleveland fans really believe those words. We will all say "F him!! I hate that guy!" But when the Cavs season rolls around, when we all really have the chance to make a statement, we won't.

What statement is that? Continuing to go and support the Cavs, for better and worse. For as much as we all want That Other Player in Miami to drink battery acid and die, he was the only reason so many people went to Cavs games. Did you read one of those "Cleveland will lose so much money when he leaves" stories? Well, they probably were right. And the fact that they probably were right pisses me off more than The Decision.

That Other Player in Miami doesn't have to cost the city money. The Decision doesn't have to END BASKETBALL IN CLEVELAND! But since this city is full of fair weather fans, it just might. And that pisses me off.

Remember after Sept. 11, when people quit shopping and the government started curtailing our freedom, there was the cry "Don't do that or the terrorists will win!" That's how I feel about our situation now. When the fair weather fans in this city feel sorry of themselves or lose interest because the team is losing, That Other Player in Miami wins.

How many titles did we win before LeBron (since '64)? Zero. How many did we win with LeBron? Zero. How many will we win after LeBron? .... Well, clearly the answer will still be zero. But so what? If the answer is always zero, and yet fans still turned out in droves to watch That Other Player in Miami, why stop turning out now? This might sound too philosophical and bit absurd, but winning 61 games in the regular season, at a certain point, isn't any different than winning 17. You can still have beers before the game. You can still cheer and boo during the game. You can still have beers after the game and enjoy the camaraderie of a city, win or lose. And in both scenarios we still lose in the end. This is more about being in a brotherhood with your fellow sports fan than it is about some final ultimate glory.

Clevelanders readily admit that we suck and we don't win and all that, and yet when a team has no chance—when it's blatantly Clevelandesque, like the Tribe—we don't go. It's too much to bare. It's no fun. Well, that's dumb. Either you are with us or against us. Either you only cared about That Other Player in Miami or you care about Cleveland. Either you will now quit following the Cavs or you will be a stand-up human being and drink beer downtown.

Please, feel free to bitch and moan. Feel free to hate That Other Player in Miami and any other traitor that leaves our city. But please don't quit the Cavs (just as you've done with the Tribe). That Player didn't blow up the arena. It's still there, with seats and everything. Don't contribute to the demise of downtown. Go to games and be a Clevelander. If not now, when the team isn't good ... when?

Not satisfied with that? Don't care about the tradition, loyalty and camaraderie? You want to see a championship? Then move. Or build a time machine. I'm sure 1948 will be very impressed with your iPhone.

Go Cavs.

... It's just another Ashtabula: A memo to LeBron

Hey, LeBron, let's make this simple for you. If you want to win basketball games, be loyal and stay true to your roots and hometown and not bow out of this town like a coward—if you want to give an honest try to win a title in Cleveland, especially after you flat-out quit on all of us in the middle of the Eastern Conference semis—then you should stay.

But if part of you really wants to chase the idea of being this "global icon," and if you think that's unachievable here in Cleveland, then you should leave. For real.

I thought I'd be part of the groveling masses, begging and pleading for you to love me. I thought if you left I'd never shake the black cloud of misery from above my head. I thought I might not care about sports as much because, to me, you signaled the last hope we had of winning a championship. I legit thought these things—that's how much of an impact you have had on my life.

I really, really want you to stay—definitely—but I was wrong to think those things. I'm not going to chase affection. And if you truly could give a shit about the time you've spent here, or the task at hand or going down as a hometown legend, you'll stay. If you're willing to throw all of that away to chase the glorious more, the green grass, the glitz and pull of the Big Market—then just fucking go.

I've watched many people I've known in my life skip town for various reasons. Some very valid, some very superficial. They wanted the opportunities of a Bigger Market. Or they didn't like the weather. Or they simply were searching for that glorious more. They all felt held back in some way by Ohio.

Here's the funny thing about these people, from what I gather. These same people, when they reach their green grass, are the same people. They still bitch about the same stuff. They're still self-absorbed; they're still "waiting for the weekend;" they still get bored. Maybe not everyone, but most people don't reflect their scenery, they reflect onto their scenery.

A friend of mine that was ahead of me in high school graduated and moved to California. That seemed so exotic and interesting to me. When he returned the next fall for a little bit, I saw him at a football game. Of course, I asked him about California. Was it awesome? Did it change his life forever? The perfect weather and all of the Things To Do!?

"Everyone asks me that, and at first it's like, yeah, look at all this shit to do, but that's just because it's new. Eventually, it just becomes another Ashtabula."

Clearly, it doesn't literally become another Ashtabula because people still have jobs and 90 percent of the population doesn't angrily drink all day in the dark shadows of shady bars or hang out at the mall—but in that sentence, he said it all.

And that's what I say to you, LeBron. If you want the big city or the new experience or the "better" experience, then go. Try it out. I'm guessing your legacy will still be in the same position it is in now. Big name. Breath-taking talent. In search of a title.

Or maybe it will work out. Maybe you'll leave and win and go down in the history books. But you know who won't give a shit? Ohio. Your hometown fans. And if we don't care, then what's the point, ya know?

I'm not going to beg. I'm going to proudly root for my teams through thick or thin and always represent my hometown. And I hope you decide you want to be a part of it. Cleveland, Ohio, is not the place to pine for stardom and not the place to be an arrogant primmadonna. We wear sweatpants to restaurants. If you can't handle those realities, then I won't fight you. I'll help show you the door. (And then never speak your name for the rest of my life. ... We're also bitter and vindictive. I forgot to mention that part.)

Go teams.

Forget Forbes, embrace The Plum

In the wake of Forbes-called-us-miserable-gate, many Clevelanders got real defensive. Plain Dealer columns. Radio shows. TV commercials. Even a website called whattheforbes.com. The most backlash came from Twitter, where people tweeted why they were #HappyinCLE. “We are NOT miserable, and here's all of the really cool stuff we can do!” was the cry. I got caught up in it too because I hate when outsiders slight my humble city, but I can't help but feel many are missing the point.

Joe Posnanski, as usual, is right. We all need to quit pointing out why we’re no different than metropolitan hot spots in order to prove doubters wrong. Cleveland is different. We're not the Big Apple, we're The Plum, remember? We have to look in the mirror, realize what makes Cleveland, Cleveland, and appreciate all of it—all without wanting to drink a 40-ounce, slit our wrists and slowly bleed to death. If that seems too difficult to do, then leave.

Cleveland is kind of miserable. That's why the Cleveland Tourism Video was so funny. It's these lumps that form our character. Let Forbes call us out. Who cares? That's the type of city Cleveland is. We get looked down on by the snobs, looked over by the cool and called out by the media. But all of those are reasons to be #HappyinCLE. Cleveland is a dive bar. Dive bars are awesome. Quit looking around for the hot girls, the velvet ropes and the foam dance floor. Chug a beer, fart and play darts with your buddies.

What's this have to do with sports? Everything! Our sports teams are the true definition of our delightfully miserable town. There is plenty to have fun with and celebrate in Cleveland sports. It's stuff that's not awesome to outsiders and doesn't lead to success, but it's all unapologetically Cleveland stuff. Much of it is lame or goofy, but that's why we like it. Here are some of my favorite examples in what I'm calling my Plum List— all of which symbolize some part of our true Cleveland identity.

The Brownie Elf. There may be no dumber faux-mascot in all of sports. I wouldn't hesitate to tattoo it on my back.

Austin Carr. The man is more lovable than a puppy in a top hat. It’s the way he gets mad when we’re playing poorly; it’s the way he calls refs into question; it’s his off-the-cuff giddiness after fantastic plays; it's how half the time he can’t find the words to properly describe his emotions (but we all know what he means). And it’s not just his homer traits I love. It’s his laugh, the sound of which may have medicinal purposes; it’s the way he casually uses the word “consequently” at least five times a game; it’s the way he talks himself into corners headed to commercial and just ends it by saying “….in the Quuuuuuuuuuuu.”

“LeBron is taking the Celtics to school tonight… stepping back and firing..from LONG RANGE…OVER Daniels…..from DEEP…..in the Quuuuuuuu.”

And it's the way he goes to do that same thing on the road and clearly has to think for a second and look at a piece of paper to remember the name of the arena. “From DEEP…..in…….the ARCO Areenaaaaaaaa.”

On an objective metric, the man is not good at his job. He is a broadcaster who bumbles over his words and is biased for one side to win a game. But all of that makes me love him. He’s just a goofy guy that irrationally roots for Cleveland. I wouldn’t have Mr. Cavalier be any other way.

Stadium mustard. The greatest mustard on earth. No question. Well, actually, here's a question: Would I believe this if it was from New Hampshire or Texas or Ireland? Here’s my answer: Shut up.

The Dawg Pound. A bunch of drunk fat dudes that are stuck in the '80s. It's sad and played-out, yet nostalgic and charming. Long live the Dawg Pound.

John Adams. A dude, the team he loves and his drum. Win or lose, the man is there showing his passion. Take your modern music and shove it in your ear. Need a run? Pound the drum. Simple. Pure. Mustache.

Complaining. OK, so it's not unique to Cleveland, per se, but nothing makes a real Cleveland fan happier. When the Browns lose, we discuss it for at least 40 minutes of every lunch hour every day until the next game. After they win? That stat dips. Booooring! Do you have lengthy Cavs discussions with people? No—not unless you are talking about why you are worried or mad or why LeBron will or won’t leave. Winning isn’t interesting fodder. Losing is. This makes us at least 10 percent more interesting than someone from a winning town. And I’d rather be an interesting loser than a dull winner.

(See? Now THAT is how you fight back at someone calling you miserable. Agree with them and then show them why it makes you a better person. Go teams.)