Nope. I'm not watching.

Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.

Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.

That team was the Buffalo Bills.

Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).

... Even as a front runner, I lost.

****

I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.

Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.

But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?

Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.

Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.

Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.

Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame

From a Cleveland fan perspective, 2010 might have been the worst year ever. Seriously, all of our teams stunk, we blew our chance at a championship and we lost No.6 to Miami. What's next? Bob Feller dying? ... See! 2010 was terrible! The real problem is it's just the beginning. 2011 will suck even more. That's a fact.

So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!

I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."

We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?

So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:

• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.

• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).

• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.

• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")

Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame

• Art Modell - Seriously, you moved the F'ing Browns out of Cleveland? I don't care how many reasons you had and how many years pass, it's still shocking. I will gladly piss on your grave when you die. [Highest vote total]
• That Other Player in Miami - No grace period. I hate you for life.
• John Elway - Death to you, those 98 yards and your gigantic gums.
• Jose Mesa - Saves records are fun for a couple days or so, but blown saves in Game 7 last a lifetime. I know Tony Fernandez is perhaps more to blame here, but his home run pushed us to the World Series, and he's a good dude. He gets a pass. Sorry. This is your legacy. You fail The Name Test of the hall. When your name is said, fans cringe. That's important.
• Carlos Boozer - Stabbed a blind man in the back.
• Bill Belichick - Glad you got ALLLLLL the kinks out of your coaching style here in Cleveland before you figured it out and won 3 Super Bowls. Get cancer and die.
• CC Sabathia - Much of this comes from his idiotic comments since joining NY. Comments are a big factor in Hall consideration. It's much more lasting than simply joining another team and fading away. You're a douchebag CC. May your next jumbo chili dog be your last.
• Frank Lane - Infamously traded Rocky Colavito and other great Indians players. And there aren't built-in excuses to fall back on like the small market or inequities in the game. His moves are so legendarily despised that he has to be in the Hall of Fame.
• Michael Jordan - If for no other reason than because we have to see The Shot every day for the rest of our lives. He was legitimately the only thing standing in between those Cavs team and a title, as well. What luck.
• Craig Counsel - I know Renteria got the hit ... but seeing this little puke running and jumping and scoring the run is etched in my brain for good.
• Jim Thome - Here's what separates Thome from Belle and Ramirez in my eyes - Dude acted like he was different. He constantly said how he'd be here for life and the entire city bought it. The Tribe front office even offered him a ton of money (and a statue in front of the Jake among other perks), but it wasn't enough. It actually turned out to be a good thing because we couldn't afford that contract looking back, but still ... F him.
• Ted Stepien - An owner who made moves so dumb the NBA had to step in and stop him, and create a rule (that is named after him) to prevent him from making more dumb moves. When people wander the streets aimlessly and say things like "...only in Cleveland..." this is what they mean.
• Braylon Edwards - I don't think this is premature. I think Edwards gets inducted because of his failures here and his rhetoric afterward. I'm also heaping the last 10 years of Browns futility (Tim Couch, Gerard Warren, Butch Davis, Willie Green, Ben Gay, etc.) on him.
• Ray Lewis - We need a Raven for the inaugural draft class, and he is the ultimate Raven.
  

The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)

• Ben Roethlisberger - There's something hateable about all Steelers players, obviously, but Ben really forced his way into this list. [rimshot]
• Hines Ward - Dude epitomized the Steelers in this last era of dominance. He gets in the Punch in the Face exhibit because of that smile, but his consistent excellent play gets him inducted into the Hall.
• Lynn Swann - Never saw the guy play, so I have no smarmy comment. But he can eat shit for his sideline reporting.
• Franco Harris - You don't need to have lived to see the guy play to know his legacy of being a bitch.
• Bill Cowher - A traitor of the highest order. Had Browns in his blood and then went to Pittsburgh and turned them back into an annual contender. Burn in hell

There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.

Go Teams.