Sure, I "worked" today, but when I woke up, I saw a tweet from Buster Olney from the previous night. "#Indians in on Beltran," he says. My mind races. I run through Twitter for any tidbits I can find. I go to the ESPN.com rumors page. I Google "Indians, Beltran" and get a bunch of stuff from the previous trading deadline, and a few random blogs discussing Olney's tweet. Fuuuuuuck! Something happen! Has my life changed yet? Will it change? Someone answer me!!!
Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!
Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.
Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?
.....
Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.
Showing posts with label Cleveland sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cleveland sports. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tough?
Here's a phrase I'm done with: Cleveland fans, when asked about being Cleveland fans, will say, "it's tough." I hear it all the time. It's tough to be a Cleveland fan.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I hate LeBron James, but I'm not a racist (I swear!)
I'm a fan boy. Through and through. For example, I love Metallica. They can put out shitty albums and I will say "they were trying something different." They can attack everyone's beloved Napster and I will say "hey man, shouldn't musicians earn money for their art?" And so on.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bring back the blue seats
Here's the most depressing part about the 2011 Cavs: This might not be as bad as it gets.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Nope. I'm not watching.
Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
****
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Cleveland 19 or A Stack of Turds
The Cleveland 19 is a tradition I started around 2007. I wanted to rank the most important athletes in the city at that time. It was fun for a debate during an oh-so-fun time in Cleveland sports. The Indians won the World Series (in my mind at least ... F you CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee), the Cavs were in the NBA finals and the lowly Browns rose up and won 10 games. Yes sir, things were turning around in the city and the Cleveland 19 showed why. Lots of stars, hope and promise on that list.
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Worst.
No fuss, no muss, here it is: This is the worst era in the history of Cleveland sports. Period. Quickly, so as not to prolong this miserable rumination, let's have a brief overview of where we're at:
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
- The Cavs are currently the worst basketball team on planet earth. Our scores are so lopsided, scientists believe it moved the Earth off its axis.
- Why do we suck? Our hometown savior dumped us on national TV for another team, leaving behind a collection of gutless losers.
- That same guy that back-stabbed us, who we now hate, is on the best team in basketball and looks like he's on his way to 10 MVPs and 8 NBA titles. He, of course, was too gutless to win one of those titles while in Cleveland. Not exactly an exclusive club.
- Oh, and just for shits and giggles, Anderson Varejao is out for the year. No doubt this injury will end his career.
- You know why I think it will end his career? See: Hafner, Travis; Sizemore, Grady.
- OK, both of those guys are still technically playing baseball. But still.
- I mean, seriously, Hafner has been a wimp for three years because he has a "tired shoulder." WTF!
- Oh, and the Indians might be the worst team in Major League Baseball. Sure, we have some promising young talent, but by the time they become decent, they will be traded or signed by another team. It's no one's fault. Major League Baseball is just set up so that we will constantly fail. That's all. No biggie.
- We're starting this year with no third baseman. For real.
- One of our best starting pitchers can't get left handers out. Other than that he's awesome.
- One last note on the Tribe. Last year we brought up our best prospect. And he delivered for us. And then he snapped his femur. Or something like that. Doesn't matter.
- The Browns might not be the worst team in the NFL, but they are close.
- We have a dude in the organization who has coached a team to a Super Bowl victory. ... he's not our coach. Neither is Gruden or Cowher or John Fox.
- Our new coach is some butt fuck named Pat.
- The Browns did have a decent year this year though. Steps forward. At least it felt that way, right?
- We were 5-11.
- Last weekend, the Steelers, the Ravens, Bill Belichick and Braylon Edwards were all in the running for the Super Bowl.
- Now it's just Braylon Edwards and the Steelers.
- No doubt the Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
- Oh, and not to linger on this Steelers thing, but I was at my local Giant Eagle here in Stow the other day. I was grocery shopping and minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a giant display of baked goods painted in black and yellow (not gold). The sign on the display said: "Go Steelers." Here in my local Giant Eagle. Here in Ohio. It's bad enough that we suck. It's bad enough that the team I hate more than any other is always good -- but does it need to be shoved in my fucking face while trying to buy a loaf of bread? Go Steelers??? Really??? This only happens to Browns fans. Red Sox fans don't have to worry about seeing "Go Yankees" signs at their local grocery store; Packers fans won't encounter any Go Bears signs this week while walking down the street. And you sure as hell won't see any Browns shit in Pittsburgh. Nope. Just another thing that makes rooting for Cleveland sports so special and great.
- And so on
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
From a Cleveland fan perspective, 2010 might have been the worst year ever. Seriously, all of our teams stunk, we blew our chance at a championship and we lost No.6 to Miami. What's next? Bob Feller dying? ... See! 2010 was terrible! The real problem is it's just the beginning. 2011 will suck even more. That's a fact.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
- Art Modell - Seriously, you moved the F'ing Browns out of Cleveland? I don't care how many reasons you had and how many years pass, it's still shocking. I will gladly piss on your grave when you die. [Highest vote total]
- That Other Player in Miami - No grace period. I hate you for life.
- John Elway - Death to you, those 98 yards and your gigantic gums.
- Jose Mesa - Saves records are fun for a couple days or so, but blown saves in Game 7 last a lifetime. I know Tony Fernandez is perhaps more to blame here, but his home run pushed us to the World Series, and he's a good dude. He gets a pass. Sorry. This is your legacy. You fail The Name Test of the hall. When your name is said, fans cringe. That's important.
- Carlos Boozer - Stabbed a blind man in the back.
- Bill Belichick - Glad you got ALLLLLL the kinks out of your coaching style here in Cleveland before you figured it out and won 3 Super Bowls. Get cancer and die.
- CC Sabathia - Much of this comes from his idiotic comments since joining NY. Comments are a big factor in Hall consideration. It's much more lasting than simply joining another team and fading away. You're a douchebag CC. May your next jumbo chili dog be your last.
- Frank Lane - Infamously traded Rocky Colavito and other great Indians players. And there aren't built-in excuses to fall back on like the small market or inequities in the game. His moves are so legendarily despised that he has to be in the Hall of Fame.
- Michael Jordan - If for no other reason than because we have to see The Shot every day for the rest of our lives. He was legitimately the only thing standing in between those Cavs team and a title, as well. What luck.
- Craig Counsel - I know Renteria got the hit ... but seeing this little puke running and jumping and scoring the run is etched in my brain for good.
- Jim Thome - Here's what separates Thome from Belle and Ramirez in my eyes - Dude acted like he was different. He constantly said how he'd be here for life and the entire city bought it. The Tribe front office even offered him a ton of money (and a statue in front of the Jake among other perks), but it wasn't enough. It actually turned out to be a good thing because we couldn't afford that contract looking back, but still ... F him.
- Ted Stepien - An owner who made moves so dumb the NBA had to step in and stop him, and create a rule (that is named after him) to prevent him from making more dumb moves. When people wander the streets aimlessly and say things like "...only in Cleveland..." this is what they mean.
- Braylon Edwards - I don't think this is premature. I think Edwards gets inducted because of his failures here and his rhetoric afterward. I'm also heaping the last 10 years of Browns futility (Tim Couch, Gerard Warren, Butch Davis, Willie Green, Ben Gay, etc.) on him.
- Ray Lewis - We need a Raven for the inaugural draft class, and he is the ultimate Raven.
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
- Ben Roethlisberger - There's something hateable about all Steelers players, obviously, but Ben really forced his way into this list. [rimshot]
- Hines Ward - Dude epitomized the Steelers in this last era of dominance. He gets in the Punch in the Face exhibit because of that smile, but his consistent excellent play gets him inducted into the Hall.
- Lynn Swann - Never saw the guy play, so I have no smarmy comment. But he can eat shit for his sideline reporting.
- Franco Harris - You don't need to have lived to see the guy play to know his legacy of being a bitch.
- Bill Cowher - A traitor of the highest order. Had Browns in his blood and then went to Pittsburgh and turned them back into an annual contender. Burn in hell
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Deconstructing Hillis
The sports scene in Cleveland has some problems right now. That's maybe the most non-bold statement ever written. But here's a bold one: Nothing epitomizes how bad it is more than Peyton Hillis! (Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa)
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
It might be dumb that I'm bummed that Hillis is white (and it's probably really dumb that I'm making it reflect on our entire sports scene right now). If this was Montario Hardesty, and he had the exact same games Hillis has had, I'd probably be excited. But I can't get passed it. Hillis is a big white dude, which, inherently limits him at the position, does it not? There's a reason I could make those killer jokes about old-timey things earlier. It's true. White running backs became obsolete as feature backs because over the course of a season, they can't get the job done. I mean, right? Isn't Red Grange on display in the Museum of Natural History?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Here's the facts as I see it. He is a valuable team asset who gets tough yards and punishes the other team. Which is great! I love that! He can definitely have the same level of success as Mike Alstott. That's why I like Hillis. But if I'm watching a team where Mike Alstott is the best player, it makes me want to drink shots of Drain-O. And that's what I'm watching.
Hillis falls into the Casey Blake Theory, and you can't tell me different.
We all remember Casey Blake -- the dude with the cool beard and the big chin who was a mediocre third baseman for the Tribe. Blake became a lightning rod of hate for fans after awhile, and it wasn't because he was a disastrous player (well at least not right away). He wasn't terrible, he was just an average dude on a meager salary that played hard. However, Blake started batting fifth and third in the lineup when he should have been batting eighth or ninth. Batting higher than he should have put him in bigger spots to drive in runs. This wasn't his fault, but fans hated him for not driving in enough runs. That shouldn't have been his role. Being white isn't Hillis' fault either, and neither is the large role he has on the team. But at some point, Hillis' shortcomings will show up. And if they don't, then maybe President Herbert Hoover will attend a game.
I mean .... right?
I mean .... right?
In a vacuum, I like Hillis. In the context of our sports scene right now, and on this Browns team, the idea of him makes me sad. Although, the day I officially declared him overrated, the Baltimore game, he ran for 144 yards and we almost won. And I did it the next week too, and he played well and we won.
So .... like I said .... dude's overrated.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Cleveland sports forecast 2010-2011: The quest for .500
It's been almost a month since LeBetrayal. And LeBitterness is still palpable, but LeReality is setting in about the Cleveland sports scene. Grab a helmet or bite down on a leather strap because we're about to discuss it.
In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?
After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.
As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?
Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011
Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!
This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9
Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52
Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89
Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.
Go teams.
In a post awhile ago I pointed out that as much-maligned and miserable us Cleveland fans often feel, there hasn't been too many years since the late '80s where at least one of our teams wasn't decent enough to flirt with the playoffs. As a fan, that's all you really ask for - flirtation and a few moments of fun. Asking for a championship is silly. Would you also like a unicorn and a leprechaun's pot of gold?
After That Other Player in Miami took our scorn to South Beach, he effectively murdered this streak. The other day I asked my friends an unfortunately compelling question: When is the next time a Cleveland team will go over .500? Don't think about it too much or you'll start sobbing uncontrollably. My guess is the Indians next season. Just barely. And I don't even really believe that. The best bet is maybe the Browns NEXT season. Oof. Relying on the Browns to make you happy is like relying on Brendan Fraser to make a good movie.
As the 2010 Browns season draws near, let's take stock of each new season coming up and look into the TCF crystal ball. I'll give the most optimistic outlook I can for each team. However, we all know the most optimistic forecast never happens, and any Cleveland-team outcome is about 20 percent worse than first anticipated, so then I'll factor in that 20 percent and predict how the season will actually end. Will we have a .500 season in the bunch?
Cleveland Sports Forecast 2010-2011
Browns
Preseason optimism: Under Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert, the Browns seem to have had their best draft in a long time. The top picks will play in some capacity right away and add to a core that improved at the end of last year. Four-game win streak! Don't forget that. The defense is solid with free agent additions to the secondary and linebackers. With a healthy Shaun Rogers, an improved defensive line will get that much better. On offense, we finally seem to have a philosophy. We're going to run the ball, run the ball and run the ball—just the way football was meant to be played. We have serious depth at running back, our offensive line is great and that doesn't even count the versatility of Josh Cribbs and Seneca Wallace in the wildcat. Brian Robiskie is playing well too - Terry Pluto said so!
This team honestly could flirt with .500 this season or be one of those Where Did This Team Come From?! stories that come around every year.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Notice how I left Jake Delhomme out of the optimistic part? That wasn't an oversight. Dude's a stiff. If your QB is a stiff, your team sucks.
7-9
Cavaliers
Preseason optimism: New coach, new vision, up-tempo offensive style, playing to our strengths, lessened expectations—these things lead to surprisingly fun years. Byron Scott is the master of the rebuild. Players buy into his system early on and play together. The team still has Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao. Ramon Sessions is a sneaky good addition at PG for this new uptempo style of play. JJ Hickson keeps getting better and will be helped immensely with the new style. Same for Boobie Gibson who actually played decent last year, finally, but was buried on the bench. Add in Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker, and the team is small but versatile. And in the East, teams like this sneak into the playoffs all of the time. And you can't discount the bonuses of removing headcase Delonte West, washed-up Shaq and team whore Gloria James.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: Just shoot me in the face. That Other Player in Miami was right about one thing, he spoiled us. This year, grabbing the eight seed would be a big accomplishment, one that would mean a lot to this city—the scrappy team that got left behind gritting out some tough wins and succeeding. It's such a nice little story there's no way it happens.
30-52
Indians
Preseason optimism: I'm ALREADY jacked for the 2011 Tribe. This team will more closely resemble our new shot at contention. It won't be fully formed, and there will be some growing pains, but it's a team that will get better. Our lineup will be fun to watch. Nick Weglarz will hit 35 homeruns. Carlos Santana will have an OPS over 1.000. Shin Soo Choo will do everything great, as always. Cabrera will be healthy. Matt LaPorta will be a steady middle of the order guy. Maybe Lonnie Chisenhall makes an appearance at some point. Hey, maybe Grady Sizemore stays healthy and returns to form. I'm telling you, this team will hit. And the bullpen is starting to be decent. For real this time. I could see them just nudge over .500 and win 80-some games.
Predicted Bitter Outcome: The starting pitching will be lackluster for most of the season. Our best young arms are still too far away. Our former best young arms all underwhelm when given a shot, especially without any steady veterans to help end short losing streaks. And I'm sure the lineup performs worse than I expect as well. Sizemore will either snap his femur or play well and get traded. And the bullpen will assuredly fall apart once again.
73-89
Welp. There it is. A full calendar year of unfun teams. Makes me want to barf. Unless you consider a 7-9 Browns team fun. Which I do. Which probably means they'll be 6-10. At best.
Go teams.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Sports Fan Calendar
I'm going to plagiarize myself. I had the idea for the Sports Fan Calendar back in my college days, and since we're on the brink of a New Year in sports, I felt like dusting it off and re-sharing it. Other than a few updates here and there, it's the same column as before. Yup, I'm that lazy.
2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.
Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.
Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:
MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.
The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.
NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.
U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.
Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.
Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.
The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!
I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.
2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.
Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.
Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:
MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.
The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.
NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.
U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.
Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.
Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.
The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!
I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Forget Forbes, embrace The Plum
In the wake of Forbes-called-us-miserable-gate, many Clevelanders got real defensive. Plain Dealer columns. Radio shows. TV commercials. Even a website called whattheforbes.com. The most backlash came from Twitter, where people tweeted why they were #HappyinCLE. “We are NOT miserable, and here's all of the really cool stuff we can do!” was the cry. I got caught up in it too because I hate when outsiders slight my humble city, but I can't help but feel many are missing the point.
Joe Posnanski, as usual, is right. We all need to quit pointing out why we’re no different than metropolitan hot spots in order to prove doubters wrong. Cleveland is different. We're not the Big Apple, we're The Plum, remember? We have to look in the mirror, realize what makes Cleveland, Cleveland, and appreciate all of it—all without wanting to drink a 40-ounce, slit our wrists and slowly bleed to death. If that seems too difficult to do, then leave.
Cleveland is kind of miserable. That's why the Cleveland Tourism Video was so funny. It's these lumps that form our character. Let Forbes call us out. Who cares? That's the type of city Cleveland is. We get looked down on by the snobs, looked over by the cool and called out by the media. But all of those are reasons to be #HappyinCLE. Cleveland is a dive bar. Dive bars are awesome. Quit looking around for the hot girls, the velvet ropes and the foam dance floor. Chug a beer, fart and play darts with your buddies.
What's this have to do with sports? Everything! Our sports teams are the true definition of our delightfully miserable town. There is plenty to have fun with and celebrate in Cleveland sports. It's stuff that's not awesome to outsiders and doesn't lead to success, but it's all unapologetically Cleveland stuff. Much of it is lame or goofy, but that's why we like it. Here are some of my favorite examples in what I'm calling my Plum List— all of which symbolize some part of our true Cleveland identity.
The Brownie Elf. There may be no dumber faux-mascot in all of sports. I wouldn't hesitate to tattoo it on my back.
Austin Carr. The man is more lovable than a puppy in a top hat. It’s the way he gets mad when we’re playing poorly; it’s the way he calls refs into question; it’s his off-the-cuff giddiness after fantastic plays; it's how half the time he can’t find the words to properly describe his emotions (but we all know what he means). And it’s not just his homer traits I love. It’s his laugh, the sound of which may have medicinal purposes; it’s the way he casually uses the word “consequently” at least five times a game; it’s the way he talks himself into corners headed to commercial and just ends it by saying “….in the Quuuuuuuuuuuu.”
“LeBron is taking the Celtics to school tonight… stepping back and firing..from LONG RANGE…OVER Daniels…..from DEEP…..in the Quuuuuuuu.”
And it's the way he goes to do that same thing on the road and clearly has to think for a second and look at a piece of paper to remember the name of the arena. “From DEEP…..in…….the ARCO Areenaaaaaaaa.”
On an objective metric, the man is not good at his job. He is a broadcaster who bumbles over his words and is biased for one side to win a game. But all of that makes me love him. He’s just a goofy guy that irrationally roots for Cleveland. I wouldn’t have Mr. Cavalier be any other way.
Stadium mustard. The greatest mustard on earth. No question. Well, actually, here's a question: Would I believe this if it was from New Hampshire or Texas or Ireland? Here’s my answer: Shut up.
The Dawg Pound. A bunch of drunk fat dudes that are stuck in the '80s. It's sad and played-out, yet nostalgic and charming. Long live the Dawg Pound.
John Adams. A dude, the team he loves and his drum. Win or lose, the man is there showing his passion. Take your modern music and shove it in your ear. Need a run? Pound the drum. Simple. Pure. Mustache.
Complaining. OK, so it's not unique to Cleveland, per se, but nothing makes a real Cleveland fan happier. When the Browns lose, we discuss it for at least 40 minutes of every lunch hour every day until the next game. After they win? That stat dips. Booooring! Do you have lengthy Cavs discussions with people? No—not unless you are talking about why you are worried or mad or why LeBron will or won’t leave. Winning isn’t interesting fodder. Losing is. This makes us at least 10 percent more interesting than someone from a winning town. And I’d rather be an interesting loser than a dull winner.
(See? Now THAT is how you fight back at someone calling you miserable. Agree with them and then show them why it makes you a better person. Go teams.)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sports Fan Anger Index
Die hard sports fans are assured only one thing in life: We will be angry. This anger comes in a variety forms and degrees. What I'd like to do here is quantify this visceral (and highly idiotic) emotion with the Sports Fan Anger Index. What exactly makes us mad? What makes us the most mad? Does it always involve Braylon Edwards?
First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.
Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.
And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.
Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse
Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.
Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game
Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league
Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.
Add-ons
+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.
+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.
+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?
+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)
+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.
+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.
By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.
Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.
Go Teams.
First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.
Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.
And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.
Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse
Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.
Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game
Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league
Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.
Add-ons
+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.
+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.
+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?
+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)
+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.
+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.
By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.
Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.
Go Teams.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Perspectives breed outlooks: Why the Indians still excite me in 2010
I always feel confident about the Cleveland Indians.
Before each new sports season, I always have a ridiculous optimism—Browns, Cavs, Indians—whatever. But with the Indians it is a little different. Regardless of how poor the prior season may have been or whom we may have traded, I maintain a genuine excitement and anticipation.
The reason stems from middle school. I became a cognizant, diehard sports fan in the mid-90s. From my fourth grade year until I was a junior in high school, the Indians were a contender. During that same span of time, the Cleveland Browns moved and the Cavs should have moved. The spotlight was on the Tribe, and the team delivered.
When you take a snapshot since my fourth grade year, which is when you can start counting stuff like "I've been a fan of [fill in thing] for this many years," the Indians have finished .500 or better 11 times out of a possible 16 years. The way I see it, for my sports fan lifetime, the Indians have been relevant nearly 70 percent of the time. The Browns, on the other hand, are batting .125 and the Cavs have only had seven years I would call relevant. Even though the Cavs are clearly the best organization now, during the important junior high to high school years, they were borderline unwatchable. The Indians, as a result, are just closer to my core—more a part of who I am. I am more apt to make excuses for them and more likely to see potential. It's like having a brother that keeps breaking the law. I believe it when he says he's going to change, and I give him more chances to prove it.
Thus, coming off a minor drug possession charge in '08 and some jail time on '09, the Tribe is telling me it's on the road to recovery, and in 2010, we'll have some growing pains, but I'll see they are getting better. And I believe them, so much so that I think they have the potential for 80 wins this year. I do. For real.
By comparison, most older generations of Indians fans suffered through pitiful baseball. It was like that late-'90s stretch from the Cavs times 100. In the four decades before '94, The Indians finished .500 or better 10 times. None of those seasons included any sort of post-season play. The people that lived through any portion of those years, not to mention all of the failures of our other two bumbling teams, are your more prototypical Cleveland fans. The Indians hold no special place whatsoever. They traded another all-star? Typical. What a bunch of losers. They'll never win a title this way. Currently, these people hate the Indians and in no way believe they are going to be good this year (or any year, really).
And maybe those people are right. But I'm not sure either of us are right. I think we're both slaves to our perspectives. In my mind, the Indians are always a couple prospects away from reaching the post season, as evidenced by that continually happening during my tenure as a fan. And of course, that's always an allure baseball has over other sports—farm teams and prospects.
Say what you want about the Dolans and Shapiro, but they deliver on the prospect promise. Obviously the good years aren't as constant as they were under Dick Jacobs and John Hart, but this regime's results back up my belief that if I wait for the development of some top shelf prospects, they will come up to Cleveland and play exciting baseball. A championship? Maybe not, but that can't be the expectation in baseball, and that especially can't be an expectation with a Cleveland team. But the Indians consistently have given me contending or relevant teams.
This promise does not exist for the other teams. Even the Cavs, the superior team at the moment, hang by the LeBron thread. Pull that thread out this summer and the entire thing unravels, leaving us with Lamond Murray and Wesley Person again. The Cavs got lucky with LeBron, and it altered that team's potential, but if he leaves, that team returns from whence it came. In baseball, you have to work with tiers of players for years and years. There is no magic pill that makes it all better. And, from my tiny snapshot of Indians history, the team has always done this, unlike teams like the Royals or Pirates or Reds. This just sets the Indians apart.
I tell you this because despite last year's gigantic turd of a season, and despite the unproven commodities on the roster, I am excited for the Tribe. I even bet a co-worker that they would win 78 games. Seventy-eight games isn't great, but it would be great considering the current stage of the developmental process. However, most folks say they'll finish with about 60-some wins. And really, I'm not even convinced I'm right. But my reasoning rests on that aforementioned optimistic Tribe perspective. LaPorta, Brantley, Choo, Sizemore, Santana.... I can just rattle off names of guys that excite me for various reasons. They are names that support the yearly promise the Tribe provides me—the seedlings of contention. We traded Lee, Martinez and CC the last couple of years? Well, we'll just develop other Lees, CCs and Martinezes. The Indians have developed my faith over the years much like they did Sizemore or Jake Westbrook.
It's not a justifiable reason for belief, but until the Indians start to consistently field losing teams, and until the prospects I read about and anticipate quit delivering—like used to be commonplace during the '60s, '70s and '80s—I will maintain the same outlook. Trading off the prospects after seven years isn't going to bring me to Negative Town like a majority of other Cleveland fans; however, if we quit having guys worth trading, I'll start looking for available real estate there.
But that's a potential reality for another time. Right now? I say 78 wins—a positive 78 wins that lead to better seasons down the road. Yup, from my perspective, we're in good shape.
Go Tribe.
Before each new sports season, I always have a ridiculous optimism—Browns, Cavs, Indians—whatever. But with the Indians it is a little different. Regardless of how poor the prior season may have been or whom we may have traded, I maintain a genuine excitement and anticipation.
The reason stems from middle school. I became a cognizant, diehard sports fan in the mid-90s. From my fourth grade year until I was a junior in high school, the Indians were a contender. During that same span of time, the Cleveland Browns moved and the Cavs should have moved. The spotlight was on the Tribe, and the team delivered.
When you take a snapshot since my fourth grade year, which is when you can start counting stuff like "I've been a fan of [fill in thing] for this many years," the Indians have finished .500 or better 11 times out of a possible 16 years. The way I see it, for my sports fan lifetime, the Indians have been relevant nearly 70 percent of the time. The Browns, on the other hand, are batting .125 and the Cavs have only had seven years I would call relevant. Even though the Cavs are clearly the best organization now, during the important junior high to high school years, they were borderline unwatchable. The Indians, as a result, are just closer to my core—more a part of who I am. I am more apt to make excuses for them and more likely to see potential. It's like having a brother that keeps breaking the law. I believe it when he says he's going to change, and I give him more chances to prove it.
Thus, coming off a minor drug possession charge in '08 and some jail time on '09, the Tribe is telling me it's on the road to recovery, and in 2010, we'll have some growing pains, but I'll see they are getting better. And I believe them, so much so that I think they have the potential for 80 wins this year. I do. For real.
By comparison, most older generations of Indians fans suffered through pitiful baseball. It was like that late-'90s stretch from the Cavs times 100. In the four decades before '94, The Indians finished .500 or better 10 times. None of those seasons included any sort of post-season play. The people that lived through any portion of those years, not to mention all of the failures of our other two bumbling teams, are your more prototypical Cleveland fans. The Indians hold no special place whatsoever. They traded another all-star? Typical. What a bunch of losers. They'll never win a title this way. Currently, these people hate the Indians and in no way believe they are going to be good this year (or any year, really).
And maybe those people are right. But I'm not sure either of us are right. I think we're both slaves to our perspectives. In my mind, the Indians are always a couple prospects away from reaching the post season, as evidenced by that continually happening during my tenure as a fan. And of course, that's always an allure baseball has over other sports—farm teams and prospects.
Say what you want about the Dolans and Shapiro, but they deliver on the prospect promise. Obviously the good years aren't as constant as they were under Dick Jacobs and John Hart, but this regime's results back up my belief that if I wait for the development of some top shelf prospects, they will come up to Cleveland and play exciting baseball. A championship? Maybe not, but that can't be the expectation in baseball, and that especially can't be an expectation with a Cleveland team. But the Indians consistently have given me contending or relevant teams.
This promise does not exist for the other teams. Even the Cavs, the superior team at the moment, hang by the LeBron thread. Pull that thread out this summer and the entire thing unravels, leaving us with Lamond Murray and Wesley Person again. The Cavs got lucky with LeBron, and it altered that team's potential, but if he leaves, that team returns from whence it came. In baseball, you have to work with tiers of players for years and years. There is no magic pill that makes it all better. And, from my tiny snapshot of Indians history, the team has always done this, unlike teams like the Royals or Pirates or Reds. This just sets the Indians apart.
I tell you this because despite last year's gigantic turd of a season, and despite the unproven commodities on the roster, I am excited for the Tribe. I even bet a co-worker that they would win 78 games. Seventy-eight games isn't great, but it would be great considering the current stage of the developmental process. However, most folks say they'll finish with about 60-some wins. And really, I'm not even convinced I'm right. But my reasoning rests on that aforementioned optimistic Tribe perspective. LaPorta, Brantley, Choo, Sizemore, Santana.... I can just rattle off names of guys that excite me for various reasons. They are names that support the yearly promise the Tribe provides me—the seedlings of contention. We traded Lee, Martinez and CC the last couple of years? Well, we'll just develop other Lees, CCs and Martinezes. The Indians have developed my faith over the years much like they did Sizemore or Jake Westbrook.
It's not a justifiable reason for belief, but until the Indians start to consistently field losing teams, and until the prospects I read about and anticipate quit delivering—like used to be commonplace during the '60s, '70s and '80s—I will maintain the same outlook. Trading off the prospects after seven years isn't going to bring me to Negative Town like a majority of other Cleveland fans; however, if we quit having guys worth trading, I'll start looking for available real estate there.
But that's a potential reality for another time. Right now? I say 78 wins—a positive 78 wins that lead to better seasons down the road. Yup, from my perspective, we're in good shape.
Go Tribe.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A reminder to enjoy the LeBron era
During the Grammy pre-game show on Sunday, Lady Gaga indirectly had a profound impact on my Cleveland fan outlook. As you may know, Lady Gaga is a performer known for her over-the-top shows and outrageous outfits. When asked what we could expect from her on music's biggest night, she simply said:
"Don't expect, just enjoy."
During the LeBron era, the Cavs have raised expectations for success. In Cleveland, that says something. It's genetically impossible for us to expect to win. Ninety-nine percent of the time we don't just expect to lose, we know we're going to lose. It's like a game of Clue. We know someone is dead, that's not the issue, we just need to figure out how it happened this time.
But the only reason we're not pessimists 100 percent of the time is because of LeBron. The homegrown savior. The best athlete in the world. The Chosen One. His greatness makes it possible for our miserable city to believe a championship is within reason— a hope that's been here for seven fantastic years.
That's a good thing right? Well, kind of. Like I said, that hope leads to expectations. We have given LeBron that one percent ... so now he has to win it. He has to do it because if he doesn't, sports in this city will never recover. I truly believe that. Seriously, we don't win a title with the best basketball player in the world, and I'm supposed to believe we're going to win a title some other time? Get out of here. So there's that fear. And to top it off, it's very possible that all of this excitement ends after this season. The summer of 2010 has been marked on our calendars since the summer of 2007—the last time we were in this position. LeBron might leave.
Combine all of that and what do you have? A tendency to drift out of the moment. The Cavs won another game in January? That's nice. Wake me up in June. To paraphrase Johnny Moxon, this is one season for the rest of our lives. Last year proved our record doesn't matter. We'll make the playoffs and THEN the games matter. Basketball mortality is a distinct possibility next year. This season, it is championship or fuck off.
And while that's how we should feel for the context of our long-suffering situation, Lady Gaga has a point. We can't let those expectations cloud what's happening in front of us. I know it's a duh statement, but as I've perhaps overstated several times now, we're watching the best basketball player in the world every night. We're watching maybe the best Cleveland athlete of all time other than Jim Brown. It's happening right now in front of us. Should we feel let down if it doesn't end in a title? Should we only halfheartedly follow the regular season, missing games here or there because ... well, it's not playoff time yet?
This time next year, we might be watching Mo Williams lead this same team to 25 wins. Greatness could come and go, hardly saying goodbye, and that will be it. If LeBron leaves this summer, you might as well flash forward to your 80s where you'll be telling your grandkids about the only time Cleveland fans really believed they were going to win a title. Your snotty grandkids will laugh and say, "Cleveland used to have pro-sports teams?" And you'll fight back tears and the desire to smack them in the mouth, and you'll say:
"Yes, we had three major sports teams, and for decades they were unlucky and miserable. And whenever things got good, they turned bad quickly. There were so many near victories and out-right miseries that we developed a complex about it, so much so that it became our entire identity. It swallowed us whole. And right before it all became too much and we all lost our minds and all of our teams left, we had LeBron. He was the best player in the game of basketball. My god, to see him run a team was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. His passes crisp and masterful. His drives to the basket unstoppable. His charisma off the charts. And he was an Ohio guy to boot. We had a connection to the guy that went beyond sports. He was ours, and he was the best. That meant something to us. ..."
And then hopefully you'll trail on and on about all of the memories and highlights LeBron gave us for however long he was here. If there's a title or two to throw in, you'll definitely mention those, but hopefully you'll remember that time he dunked over Tim Duncan to start the year they went to the Finals for the first time in team history; or when he went shot for shot with Dwayne Wade to end a half in a January game in the '09-'10 season; or that time near the end of the '05-'06 season against the Nets when he stole the ball, went like a freight train to the hoop, and literally with three guys trying to foul him to the ground, he jumped and got a shot off and made it—a hoop that led to a big late season win. You'll say, "I've never seen anything like it" countless times. You may even let those tears loose at some point.
And if there aren't any titles to speak of, and you're about to die without ever having seen a Cleveland championship, you'll be bitter. Damn straight you'll be bitter. That's probably why your grandkids hate you so much. But we can't let that possible future dampen our enthusiasm in this moment. We have the rest of our lives to hold onto that bitterness, and we have the rest of our lives to follow other mediocre teams into near misses and tragic failures. But we may only have half a season left with the greatest athlete we've ever seen. Yes, he might leave. But for now, he's ours, and that means something.
Don't expect, just enjoy.
"Don't expect, just enjoy."
...........
During the LeBron era, the Cavs have raised expectations for success. In Cleveland, that says something. It's genetically impossible for us to expect to win. Ninety-nine percent of the time we don't just expect to lose, we know we're going to lose. It's like a game of Clue. We know someone is dead, that's not the issue, we just need to figure out how it happened this time.
But the only reason we're not pessimists 100 percent of the time is because of LeBron. The homegrown savior. The best athlete in the world. The Chosen One. His greatness makes it possible for our miserable city to believe a championship is within reason— a hope that's been here for seven fantastic years.
That's a good thing right? Well, kind of. Like I said, that hope leads to expectations. We have given LeBron that one percent ... so now he has to win it. He has to do it because if he doesn't, sports in this city will never recover. I truly believe that. Seriously, we don't win a title with the best basketball player in the world, and I'm supposed to believe we're going to win a title some other time? Get out of here. So there's that fear. And to top it off, it's very possible that all of this excitement ends after this season. The summer of 2010 has been marked on our calendars since the summer of 2007—the last time we were in this position. LeBron might leave.
Combine all of that and what do you have? A tendency to drift out of the moment. The Cavs won another game in January? That's nice. Wake me up in June. To paraphrase Johnny Moxon, this is one season for the rest of our lives. Last year proved our record doesn't matter. We'll make the playoffs and THEN the games matter. Basketball mortality is a distinct possibility next year. This season, it is championship or fuck off.
And while that's how we should feel for the context of our long-suffering situation, Lady Gaga has a point. We can't let those expectations cloud what's happening in front of us. I know it's a duh statement, but as I've perhaps overstated several times now, we're watching the best basketball player in the world every night. We're watching maybe the best Cleveland athlete of all time other than Jim Brown. It's happening right now in front of us. Should we feel let down if it doesn't end in a title? Should we only halfheartedly follow the regular season, missing games here or there because ... well, it's not playoff time yet?
This time next year, we might be watching Mo Williams lead this same team to 25 wins. Greatness could come and go, hardly saying goodbye, and that will be it. If LeBron leaves this summer, you might as well flash forward to your 80s where you'll be telling your grandkids about the only time Cleveland fans really believed they were going to win a title. Your snotty grandkids will laugh and say, "Cleveland used to have pro-sports teams?" And you'll fight back tears and the desire to smack them in the mouth, and you'll say:
"Yes, we had three major sports teams, and for decades they were unlucky and miserable. And whenever things got good, they turned bad quickly. There were so many near victories and out-right miseries that we developed a complex about it, so much so that it became our entire identity. It swallowed us whole. And right before it all became too much and we all lost our minds and all of our teams left, we had LeBron. He was the best player in the game of basketball. My god, to see him run a team was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. His passes crisp and masterful. His drives to the basket unstoppable. His charisma off the charts. And he was an Ohio guy to boot. We had a connection to the guy that went beyond sports. He was ours, and he was the best. That meant something to us. ..."
And then hopefully you'll trail on and on about all of the memories and highlights LeBron gave us for however long he was here. If there's a title or two to throw in, you'll definitely mention those, but hopefully you'll remember that time he dunked over Tim Duncan to start the year they went to the Finals for the first time in team history; or when he went shot for shot with Dwayne Wade to end a half in a January game in the '09-'10 season; or that time near the end of the '05-'06 season against the Nets when he stole the ball, went like a freight train to the hoop, and literally with three guys trying to foul him to the ground, he jumped and got a shot off and made it—a hoop that led to a big late season win. You'll say, "I've never seen anything like it" countless times. You may even let those tears loose at some point.
And if there aren't any titles to speak of, and you're about to die without ever having seen a Cleveland championship, you'll be bitter. Damn straight you'll be bitter. That's probably why your grandkids hate you so much. But we can't let that possible future dampen our enthusiasm in this moment. We have the rest of our lives to hold onto that bitterness, and we have the rest of our lives to follow other mediocre teams into near misses and tragic failures. But we may only have half a season left with the greatest athlete we've ever seen. Yes, he might leave. But for now, he's ours, and that means something.
Don't expect, just enjoy.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Cleveland 19
With a new year upon us, it's a good idea to stop and take stock of our Cleveland sports scene. I like to do this with a concept called the Cleveland 19. It's a ranking of the top 19 athletes in our city based on their talent, importance to their team, potential for the future and their loyalty to the city. I throw all of those factors into a blender and determine the top 19. Why 19? In honor of the great Bernie Kosar, of course. To give an idea of how much the landscape has evolved from the last time I did this, check out the 2007 list:
19. Jhonny Peralta/Jake Westbrook
18. Jamal Lewis
17. Asdrubal Cabrera
16. Anderson Varejao
15. Josh Cribbs
14. Boobie Gibson
13. Derek Anderson / Brady Quinn
12. Eric Steinbach
11. Raffy Betancourt
10. Z / Phil Dawson
9. CC Sabathia
8. Travis Hafner
7. Fausto Carmona
6. Kellen Winslow Jr.
5. Grady Sizemore
4. Braylon Edwards
3. Joe Thomas
2. Victor Martinez
1. Lebron James
You'll notice five of those guys are no longer in Cleveland (which doesn't even include Cliff Lee because this was 2007, you know, when he sucked. I listed him in my anti-top 5. Nice, huh?), and another six had to be removed for various levels of sucking (Derek Anderson, anyone?). For sure, the 2010 list isn't as star-studded, but it's got a lot of heart, grit and possibility. It's more fitting of our city in that way. All it's missing is the raw sewage smell that pops up now and then.
The Potentials
19. Carlos Santana — Santana has yet to even see a Tribe uniform, and who knows, he may continue to light up the minors throughout 2010, but he symbolizes the hope that exists for the next generation of Tribe teams. Moves were made in 2009 based on his scheduled developmental process. His spot on this list is due to this potential and the fact that he'll be in our city for at least the next seven years, barring unforeseen tragedies.
18. Matt LaPorta / Michael Brantley — Both arrived in the CC trade and both hope to be building blocks for our Tribe. Brantley had a solid debut at the end of 2009 and looks to make an impact on the top of the order this year. LaPorta was a little more uneven, but I'm sure his place on this list gives him the appropriate motivation to realize his potential and hit bombs.
17. Jerome Harrison — Say it with me now: It's about time! We've all waited and waited for the day when Harrison would get consistent playing time. This finally happened during the historic Four-Game Win Streak of 2009. Harrison may not be the answer at RB, but the guy definitely showed the burst that Lewis lacked, hitting holes that may have been there all along. Harrison may be another Lee Suggs mirage, but for now, Harrison looks like an important part of the Browns latest rebuild. No one can get me down on the Browns since The Four-Game Win Streak, and no one can talk me out of putting this 5-foot-5-inch dude at No. 17.
16. Alex Mack — I know half the city wishes this guy's name was Rey Maualaga and the other half wishes it was Clay Matthews Jr., and the other half wishes it was James Laurainatis, while still another half wishes it was Beanie Wells (is that enough halves?)....um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. No matter how many guys he could be, Mack had a solid first year playing a very demanding position for a team with little offensive identity or flow for most of 2009. I think he did enough to solidify another piece of an offensive line that remains one of the few decent parts of the Browns.
15. 2010 First Round Pick — Seriously, whoever you are, you better be at least this good.
14. Chris Perez — OK, maybe this is too high, but I felt like rewarding Perez for his dominance late in a lost season. He was virtually untouchable after an initially rocky start. And on a team with so many pitching problems, any sort of dominance is welcome. I also needed to fill the token"Perez" bullpen entry from the Tribe.
The Question Marks
13. Shaun Rogers — A healthy Rogers is the best pass-rushing defensive tackle in the game. His contribution often gets lost amid the depression, misery and ineptitude of the rest of his team, but not on the Cleveland 19. His spot on this list is definitely conditional on his ability to stand up straight and walk, which is maybe 50/50 at this point.
12. Delonte West — Whether you're looking for a lock down defender or an initiator for the offense, West is your guy. Oh, and if you need someone to chase after a foe on a motorcycle and gun them down at high speeds, he's your guy for that too. If we could count on West, he'd probably be higher, but his play is too erratic. I'd like to keep him off the list entirely, but he's just too important to the future success of the Cavs to ignore. He can keep this spot until he becomes more consistent, gets trade or murders a pack of stray dogs.
The Elder Statesmen
11. Phil Dawson — The man has been on the Browns since 1999. That must feel like 1929 to him. He deserves a purple heart. Until then, he will remain entrenched in the middle of the Cleveland 19.
10. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — In terms of loyalty, no one matches Z. His shot, at first rocky this season, has settled into that cozy comfort zone. He accepted a lesser role with class for the good of the team and the city, and he even put the oddest and most inexplicable slight of all time (being benched for the first time ever on the day he would become the all-time games played leader) behind him. I'd take a bullet for Z.
The Glue Guys
9. Andy Varejao — We all know if he was on another team, we'd be rooting for him to tear both his ACLs. But he's on our team, and his tenacity and intangibles on the court are almost as important to the team success as you know who (see No.1). But when he dribbles, I punch the nearest child.
8. Jake Westbrook — I know, I know. The dude had Tommy John and may not even pitch this year. But think about the pitching rotation next year. Are you thinking? OK. Now clean up the vomit. The Tribe needs Jake like Abraham Lincoln needed a door to his balcony. The man signed a deal to stay here, which doesn't happen often with the Tribe and if he comes back as the same guy, he'll play a huge part as the reliable veteran starter on a young team.
7. Asdrubal Cabrera — There's a new wizard at shortstop and he wears a pearl necklace. Cabrera has excited me ever since we shipped Eduardo Perez to Seattle in one of the dumbest trades ever. Even if he doesn't improve anymore, I'll be happy, but I can't help but feel he has one more level to go.
Second Bananas
6. Mo Williams — I labeled him "a chucker" when he came over from Milwaukee, but he has become the second scorer next to you know who (see No.1). His importance to the team was evidenced by the early exit against the Magic. If his shot is off, this team's chances go from pretty good to kind of average. That's not a large gap, but it's the difference between wins and losses in the playoffs, which is how this Cavs team is being measured. I believe he will overcome his choke in 2009. No. 6, Mo! Let's make it happen this year!
5. Shin Soo Choo — Arguably, the best pure baseball player on the team. The Tribe should have him for the next few years, and in that time, he should be consistently averaging .290/.401/.800 with 25 steals. So long as the Korean army stays away, Choo is a lock for the top 7 for awhile.
4. Joe Thomas — There's not much you can say about an offensive lineman. I'll let his three straight Pro Bowls do the talking. And don't give me that he's overrated. Cleveland players don't just make it to All-Star games. They have to earn it. Just ask DA. (Umm, nevermind.)
Faces of the Franchise
3. Grady Sizemore — We've got Grady for probably two more years. Sorry to get all real on you with that statement, but it's true. So, while he's here, let's celebrate. When healthy, Grady is the Indians. No doubt. He's fully taken the Face of t he Franchise reins vacated by Victor. (And no, Grady isn't strategically placing the reins in front of his penis. Don't mock those in the Top 3. Just don't.)
2. Josh Cribbs — From a local college, signed as a walk-on, Cribbs has scratched and clawed for everything he's earned in the NFL. The money, the adoration, the role on the offense, the TV show on Fox Sports Ohio—all of it. And now, he earns the coveted Spot Below LeBron and is the Face of the Franchise for the Browns. In the words of KGB in Rounders, "Pay thet min...pay thet min his maah-knee."
The King
1. LeBron James — You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
19. Jhonny Peralta/Jake Westbrook
18. Jamal Lewis
17. Asdrubal Cabrera
16. Anderson Varejao
15. Josh Cribbs
14. Boobie Gibson
13. Derek Anderson / Brady Quinn
12. Eric Steinbach
11. Raffy Betancourt
10. Z / Phil Dawson
9. CC Sabathia
8. Travis Hafner
7. Fausto Carmona
6. Kellen Winslow Jr.
5. Grady Sizemore
4. Braylon Edwards
3. Joe Thomas
2. Victor Martinez
1. Lebron James
You'll notice five of those guys are no longer in Cleveland (which doesn't even include Cliff Lee because this was 2007, you know, when he sucked. I listed him in my anti-top 5. Nice, huh?), and another six had to be removed for various levels of sucking (Derek Anderson, anyone?). For sure, the 2010 list isn't as star-studded, but it's got a lot of heart, grit and possibility. It's more fitting of our city in that way. All it's missing is the raw sewage smell that pops up now and then.
The Potentials
19. Carlos Santana — Santana has yet to even see a Tribe uniform, and who knows, he may continue to light up the minors throughout 2010, but he symbolizes the hope that exists for the next generation of Tribe teams. Moves were made in 2009 based on his scheduled developmental process. His spot on this list is due to this potential and the fact that he'll be in our city for at least the next seven years, barring unforeseen tragedies.
18. Matt LaPorta / Michael Brantley — Both arrived in the CC trade and both hope to be building blocks for our Tribe. Brantley had a solid debut at the end of 2009 and looks to make an impact on the top of the order this year. LaPorta was a little more uneven, but I'm sure his place on this list gives him the appropriate motivation to realize his potential and hit bombs.
17. Jerome Harrison — Say it with me now: It's about time! We've all waited and waited for the day when Harrison would get consistent playing time. This finally happened during the historic Four-Game Win Streak of 2009. Harrison may not be the answer at RB, but the guy definitely showed the burst that Lewis lacked, hitting holes that may have been there all along. Harrison may be another Lee Suggs mirage, but for now, Harrison looks like an important part of the Browns latest rebuild. No one can get me down on the Browns since The Four-Game Win Streak, and no one can talk me out of putting this 5-foot-5-inch dude at No. 17.
16. Alex Mack — I know half the city wishes this guy's name was Rey Maualaga and the other half wishes it was Clay Matthews Jr., and the other half wishes it was James Laurainatis, while still another half wishes it was Beanie Wells (is that enough halves?)....um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. No matter how many guys he could be, Mack had a solid first year playing a very demanding position for a team with little offensive identity or flow for most of 2009. I think he did enough to solidify another piece of an offensive line that remains one of the few decent parts of the Browns.
15. 2010 First Round Pick — Seriously, whoever you are, you better be at least this good.
14. Chris Perez — OK, maybe this is too high, but I felt like rewarding Perez for his dominance late in a lost season. He was virtually untouchable after an initially rocky start. And on a team with so many pitching problems, any sort of dominance is welcome. I also needed to fill the token"Perez" bullpen entry from the Tribe.
The Question Marks
13. Shaun Rogers — A healthy Rogers is the best pass-rushing defensive tackle in the game. His contribution often gets lost amid the depression, misery and ineptitude of the rest of his team, but not on the Cleveland 19. His spot on this list is definitely conditional on his ability to stand up straight and walk, which is maybe 50/50 at this point.
12. Delonte West — Whether you're looking for a lock down defender or an initiator for the offense, West is your guy. Oh, and if you need someone to chase after a foe on a motorcycle and gun them down at high speeds, he's your guy for that too. If we could count on West, he'd probably be higher, but his play is too erratic. I'd like to keep him off the list entirely, but he's just too important to the future success of the Cavs to ignore. He can keep this spot until he becomes more consistent, gets trade or murders a pack of stray dogs.
The Elder Statesmen
11. Phil Dawson — The man has been on the Browns since 1999. That must feel like 1929 to him. He deserves a purple heart. Until then, he will remain entrenched in the middle of the Cleveland 19.
10. Zydrunas Ilgauskas — In terms of loyalty, no one matches Z. His shot, at first rocky this season, has settled into that cozy comfort zone. He accepted a lesser role with class for the good of the team and the city, and he even put the oddest and most inexplicable slight of all time (being benched for the first time ever on the day he would become the all-time games played leader) behind him. I'd take a bullet for Z.
The Glue Guys
9. Andy Varejao — We all know if he was on another team, we'd be rooting for him to tear both his ACLs. But he's on our team, and his tenacity and intangibles on the court are almost as important to the team success as you know who (see No.1). But when he dribbles, I punch the nearest child.
8. Jake Westbrook — I know, I know. The dude had Tommy John and may not even pitch this year. But think about the pitching rotation next year. Are you thinking? OK. Now clean up the vomit. The Tribe needs Jake like Abraham Lincoln needed a door to his balcony. The man signed a deal to stay here, which doesn't happen often with the Tribe and if he comes back as the same guy, he'll play a huge part as the reliable veteran starter on a young team.
7. Asdrubal Cabrera — There's a new wizard at shortstop and he wears a pearl necklace. Cabrera has excited me ever since we shipped Eduardo Perez to Seattle in one of the dumbest trades ever. Even if he doesn't improve anymore, I'll be happy, but I can't help but feel he has one more level to go.
Second Bananas
6. Mo Williams — I labeled him "a chucker" when he came over from Milwaukee, but he has become the second scorer next to you know who (see No.1). His importance to the team was evidenced by the early exit against the Magic. If his shot is off, this team's chances go from pretty good to kind of average. That's not a large gap, but it's the difference between wins and losses in the playoffs, which is how this Cavs team is being measured. I believe he will overcome his choke in 2009. No. 6, Mo! Let's make it happen this year!
5. Shin Soo Choo — Arguably, the best pure baseball player on the team. The Tribe should have him for the next few years, and in that time, he should be consistently averaging .290/.401/.800 with 25 steals. So long as the Korean army stays away, Choo is a lock for the top 7 for awhile.
4. Joe Thomas — There's not much you can say about an offensive lineman. I'll let his three straight Pro Bowls do the talking. And don't give me that he's overrated. Cleveland players don't just make it to All-Star games. They have to earn it. Just ask DA. (Umm, nevermind.)
Faces of the Franchise
3. Grady Sizemore — We've got Grady for probably two more years. Sorry to get all real on you with that statement, but it's true. So, while he's here, let's celebrate. When healthy, Grady is the Indians. No doubt. He's fully taken the Face of t he Franchise reins vacated by Victor. (And no, Grady isn't strategically placing the reins in front of his penis. Don't mock those in the Top 3. Just don't.)
2. Josh Cribbs — From a local college, signed as a walk-on, Cribbs has scratched and clawed for everything he's earned in the NFL. The money, the adoration, the role on the offense, the TV show on Fox Sports Ohio—all of it. And now, he earns the coveted Spot Below LeBron and is the Face of the Franchise for the Browns. In the words of KGB in Rounders, "Pay thet min...pay thet min his maah-knee."
The King
1. LeBron James — You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
First Kosar, then Alomar ... bring everyone back!
On the heels of Bernie Kosar being brought back into the mix in some made-up way with the Browns, new Indians manager Manny Acta seems to be entertaining the idea of adding Sandy Alomar to his coaching staff (based on pure speculation from Paul Hoynes, but for the purposes of this post, just go with it).
I have no idea if either of these hires will pan out. Kosar may get hopped up on Oxycontin and trade Joe Thomas to the Saskatchewan Rough Riders for all I know. But it doesn't matter because both of these hires are awesome. I'd also like to request Mark Price and Brad Daugherty being brought back to coach the Cavs. And I truly believe Acta shouldn't stop with Sandy and reach out to Orel Hershiser and Carlos Baerga in some capacity too. Hell, scrape together some bail money and let's go get Albert Belle.
You see, here in Cleveland, we don't win championships. Our teams usually have losing seasons, and if they do have a winning season, they find some way to tragically fail, which ends up turning the winning experience bitter. So why keep doing it? Why even follow in the first place?
One big reason is tradition. Our sports teams are embedded into our cultural and personal identities. Year in and year out, from one season to the next, we cheer, root, bitch, moan, get jacked up for no reason and then start bitching again. Because of this, the players that wear our city's name become intertwined into these traditions and this personal identity—for better or worse. We take it personal when players like Jim Thome or Carlos Boozer leave for more money, and we adore long-hated rival players like Jamal Lewis when they stupidly come here. Along the way, some players transcend the laundry they wear. Jim Brown, Bob Feller, Austin Carr. They cease to be people or athletes and become symbols of our past. If you want to get real deep, you could say they embody part of personality—that Cleveland-tradition-loving part of us.
Bernie and Sandy are two of those guys. In my mind, they represent our city and our collective sports history for a particular place and time. So when they get hired back, however minimal the role and however terrible they may end up being, they are back! For good or bad, they are one of us. They are a part of that tradition.
Our teams will lose and they will not win championships. So, knowing that, let's lose with the one's we love—the one's that represent who we are as a city.
A city full of losers!
(Wait...on second thought...)
I have no idea if either of these hires will pan out. Kosar may get hopped up on Oxycontin and trade Joe Thomas to the Saskatchewan Rough Riders for all I know. But it doesn't matter because both of these hires are awesome. I'd also like to request Mark Price and Brad Daugherty being brought back to coach the Cavs. And I truly believe Acta shouldn't stop with Sandy and reach out to Orel Hershiser and Carlos Baerga in some capacity too. Hell, scrape together some bail money and let's go get Albert Belle.
You see, here in Cleveland, we don't win championships. Our teams usually have losing seasons, and if they do have a winning season, they find some way to tragically fail, which ends up turning the winning experience bitter. So why keep doing it? Why even follow in the first place?
One big reason is tradition. Our sports teams are embedded into our cultural and personal identities. Year in and year out, from one season to the next, we cheer, root, bitch, moan, get jacked up for no reason and then start bitching again. Because of this, the players that wear our city's name become intertwined into these traditions and this personal identity—for better or worse. We take it personal when players like Jim Thome or Carlos Boozer leave for more money, and we adore long-hated rival players like Jamal Lewis when they stupidly come here. Along the way, some players transcend the laundry they wear. Jim Brown, Bob Feller, Austin Carr. They cease to be people or athletes and become symbols of our past. If you want to get real deep, you could say they embody part of personality—that Cleveland-tradition-loving part of us.
Bernie and Sandy are two of those guys. In my mind, they represent our city and our collective sports history for a particular place and time. So when they get hired back, however minimal the role and however terrible they may end up being, they are back! For good or bad, they are one of us. They are a part of that tradition.
Our teams will lose and they will not win championships. So, knowing that, let's lose with the one's we love—the one's that represent who we are as a city.
A city full of losers!
(Wait...on second thought...)
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