I hate LeBron James, but I'm not a racist (I swear!)

I'm a fan boy. Through and through. For example, I love Metallica. They can put out shitty albums and I will say "they were trying something different." They can attack everyone's beloved Napster and I will say "hey man, shouldn't musicians earn money for their art?" And so on.

This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.

This is why I hate LeBron James.

I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.

Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.

I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.

In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.

And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!

My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?

And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.

In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.

Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.

Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.

The Sports Fan Calendar

I'm going to plagiarize myself. I had the idea for the Sports Fan Calendar back in my college days, and since we're on the brink of a New Year in sports, I felt like dusting it off and re-sharing it. Other than a few updates here and there, it's the same column as before. Yup, I'm that lazy.

2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.

Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.

Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:

MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.

The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.

NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.

U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.

Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.

Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.

The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!

I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.

Sports Fan Anger Index

Die hard sports fans are assured only one thing in life: We will be angry. This anger comes in a variety forms and degrees. What I'd like to do here is quantify this visceral (and highly idiotic) emotion with the Sports Fan Anger Index. What exactly makes us mad? What makes us the most mad? Does it always involve Braylon Edwards?

First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.

Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.

And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.

Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse

Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.

Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game

Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league

Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.

Add-ons

+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.

+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.

+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?

+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)

+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.

+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.

By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.

Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.

Go Teams.