The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
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