The only real running tradition in this silly blog that I sporadically upkeep is The Cleveland 19. At the start of each year I like to look at the Cleveland sports landscape as a whole and try not to vomit or kill myself. After accomplishing those two things (tougher every year) I try to winnow down all of the athletes in town to the most important 19 dudes -- the dudes we are all pinning our hopes and dreams to, and the dudes who will inevitably let us down in varying degrees of pain and agony.
The metrics I use to compile this include: The talent of the athlete, the importance of the athlete to his team, the number of years he is likely to be here, and his level of "being Cleveland." The last one is the most abstract, especially considering none of these assholes really care about us, but it's a part of the formula nonetheless.
Funny story before we get to the list. Months before I wrote this, I sketched out an idea of what I thought the list would be heading into 2012. This was before Browns season. The number one guy in that pre-list? Colt McCoy. And now? Not even on the list. Colt McCoy's 2011 season everybody! Round of applause!
Before we jump in, here are the notable absences from last year's Cleveland 19, or "A Stack of Turds"
17. Carlos Carrasco - In, I think, June maybe, I would have had him in the top 10 probably. A slump and a Tommy John surgery later, and I'm pretty sure we'll never hear from this guy again. We'll always have 2011's 17th spot, Carlos.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall - Other than a nice run at the end of the season, Chiz wasn't that great offensively. And he might actually start off as Jack Hannahan's lackey. If you are in a fight for third with Hannahan, I cannot put you on the 19. I'm sorry. No matter how much potential you have. (For the record, I like Hannahan, and think he should start the year).
13. JJ Hickson - God damn. He was 13? Things were bleak in 2011.
9. Colt McCoy - See above.
OK. That was fun. Oh, also, this is the "End of the world edition" because, obviously, this is 2012 and the world is going to end on Dec. 21. This is our last shot at a title. Think any of these guys has it in 'em to get it done?
These first guys suck
19. Boobie Gibson/ Josh Cribbs
I'm flat-out admitting that these first guys don't deserve to be on the list, but I'm giving both of these bums a share for the 19th spot anyway. First off, this continues the tradition of including more than 19 guys in the Cleveland 19 every year. Secondly, these guys are too woven into the fabric of the Cleveland sports community (whether it's a calculated move or not - we're looking at you, Cribbs) to be left off. It's too bad these guys aren't very good, but they're not. Especially Cribbs, who essentially contributes nothing to the Browns. But he's our guy. Fuck it.
The official Phil Dawson spot
18. Phil Dawson
This spot was originally for Phil Dawson or Travis Hafner. Two dudes who have been around awhile and are both "Cleveland" to a certain extent. However, one is extremely reliable and comes through when you need him. The other is Travis Hafner. Pronk actually has been consistent these last few years, but he's also consistently on the DL. And his Ks are up and his walks are down. Anyway, there's not enough there to put him on the list. Dawson, it could be argued, should be higher because he's the best kicker in the league. Read that sentence again and notice the word kicker. Dawson is great, and I love him, but he's No. 18.
The "run stoppers"
17. Phil Taylor / Ataya Rubin
Big Phil and Rubin, one half of the not-so-vaunted Browns defensive line. Even though both of these guys seem to be solid, and even though D-Qwell Jackson was healthy, we still cannot stop the run. I'm not quite sure what the deal is there. Or why these guys are on the list then, for that matter. We should ask someone about that.
16. D'Qwell Jackson
Hey, I just mentioned him! Way to come back strong this year, D'Qwell, after years of injury trouble. You sir, are a man. Welcome back to the Cleveland 19.
Zzzzzzzzzzz
15. Alex Mack
Yup.
Nice Knowing You
14. Peyton Hillis / Browns first round pick
Hillis had the Madden Cover Jinx Year to end all Madden Cover Jinxes. I hope we all learned a lesson there. No more absurd votes putting undeserving Cleveland athletes on the cover of sports games please. Thanks. Anyway, Hillis is probably not coming back, so he's sharing this spot with whomever we choose with our top first round pick this year. It's possible it will be his replacement.
The heartthrobs
13. Grady Sizemore
He's back, baby! It didn't look good for Grady's Ladies when the off season started, but the front office was able to find an affordable way to bring back our oft-injured centerfielder with the golden smile. It's a big time lottery ticket. A healthy Grady that resembles the dude who slugged like .700 for 3 weeks in May last year would be unreal for the Tribe. But we can definitely not count on that, which means — Gasp! — Grady falls to his lowest ranking in Cleveland 19 history.
12. Jason Kipnis
Love this guy. The offense kicked it up a notch when he finally got the call up. Rare is the Cleveland Indian prospect who comes up with hype and immediately produces. I appreciate that about Kipnis. It would have been interesting to see how many wins he would have been worth over the full season versus the corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Maybe not many, but this year, he's hugely important to our success. Plus he's ours for many years to come.
Potential
11. Shin Soo Choo
What happened man?! Seriously, WTF?!?! Get your shit together this year! And I mean it! You are LUCKY that you are still on this list. So lucky. Stay healthy and hit the god damn ball this year. Am I making myself clear?!?!?!
10. Ubaldo Jimenez
Here's maybe the biggest wish on the list. I'm trying to will a good season out of Ubaldo by putting him this high. Look, he should actually be higher if there was a loving God in the universe. He's got the look, the skills, the history of dominance, and he's only the #2 dude in the rotation. That trade we pulled off to get him should be looked at as a no-doubter, and a move that eventually got us into the playoffs. But we all know there is no loving God, and only a vengeful, spiteful God that has hated Cleveland ever since his son, Jim Brown, retired. ... But hopefully that doesn't stop Ubaldo from having a solid year.
9. Joe Haden
We all love Joe Haden. He's always matched up on the best guys, and rarely do those guys seem to do much against the Browns. He bats down passes, and I'm willing to overlook the more than a few pass interference calls he received this year. But doesn't it feel like he could still go up another level? Did you get all you wanted out of Haden this year? I'm not sure what this means, but he had no interceptions. That seems like it matters a little, right? Well whatever. Love this guy. Big time "Cleveland" points.
The Lunch Pail Group
8. Jabaal Sheard —Sheard wasn't our first rounder, but he played like one. Good year for this first-year DE out of Pitt. If we add another decent DE this off season, he will stand out even more. Awesome building block for the D.
7. Anderson Varejao
Wild Thing is that guy you love to have on a contending team. He's all hustle, grit and energy., and he is a huge asset coming off the bench. But get this, this year he's starting and taking his game to a new level. Earlier versions of this list had Andy in his customary 15-13 spot, but that is a total slap in his face at this point. He is willing the Cavs to victory some nights. And the Cavs play Luke Harangody and Ryan Hollins a lot. So, that's an accomplishment. Lastly, he's maybe more "Cleveland" than anybody on this list. Before the year, I was firmly on the trade Andy bandwagon, and now, I see him as untouchable.
6. The bullpen mafia
You'll notice a lot of Indians on this list. This is because, right now, the Tribe is the best team in the city, and therefore, has the most important and best dudes in town. And in the ultimate cop out, I'm lumping in about five or six guys in one spot here because A) They have a fun nickname; B) They balled out last year; C) We need them to ball out again to win this year; D) They seem very "Cleveland," especially Chris Perez, Vinnie Pestano and Tony Sipp. I'm not entirely sold on Chris Perez, but saves are saves, I suppose.
Faces of the franchise
5. Antawn Jamison
Just kidding.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera
A real Cleveland 19 success story. We've seen Asdrubal blossom as a 19-17 type of guy, to a middle of the pack guy, to someone in the Faces of the Franchise section. Congrats mi amigo. (Next stop, big contract from another team!)
4. Kyrie Irving
Before the season started, I had him at No. 14, right ahead of Varejao in the Cavaliers section of the list. It has not taken long for Irving to immediately vault to the Faces of the Franchise section. He's got developing to do, but he's already had some jaw-dropping clutch moments that make it very easy to forget about you know who. He's a legit franchise building block for our most downtrodden franchise. And he's 19. The only thing he's doing wrong is hurting our chances at selecting him a better teammate in the lottery. I get it Kyrie - winning games is fun - but it will be more fun after another draft or two. Just trust me.
3. Justin Masterson
Secretly, or perhaps not-so secretly, Masterson is essentially the only great piece acquired in the Everything Must Go CC-Lee-Martinez trading bonanza. It's upsetting what has become of the others, but Justin is a fucking MAN. He barely made the list last January, coming in at 19. Shows what I know. Really, he's almost been too good. I'm 80 percent sure we will find out soon that his real name is Jaret Wright-Heredia and that he's actually 42.
2. Joe Thomas
When it's all said and done, Joe Thomas will be the longest tenured, most consistent Cleveland athlete in decades. This is both great and unfair. It's great because the Browns actually have a good player at a premium position. But it's unfair because he's a left tackle, and I really don't have any clue how good he is. I don't really see him do anything. I'm just told he is good, I see him go to the Pro Bowl, and so I put him this high every year. It's really why he'll never be #1, probably.
1. Carlos Santana
Your defending champion, and hero to Clevelanders across the globe of Northeast Ohio — Carlos Santana. Some might still feel underwhelmed by the No.1 man for his performance last year, noting his low batting average and few RBI. But these people are simpletons. Santana mashes, and he is the anchor of the best team in town. And he's still really young. I'd wager that his batting average will more closely resemble one the simpletons would like to see this year and all will be right with the world.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Beltran? Barkley? ... Blech
Sure, I "worked" today, but when I woke up, I saw a tweet from Buster Olney from the previous night. "#Indians in on Beltran," he says. My mind races. I run through Twitter for any tidbits I can find. I go to the ESPN.com rumors page. I Google "Indians, Beltran" and get a bunch of stuff from the previous trading deadline, and a few random blogs discussing Olney's tweet. Fuuuuuuck! Something happen! Has my life changed yet? Will it change? Someone answer me!!!
Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!
Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.
Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?
.....
Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.
Finally, some of the baseball/Tribe writers I follow on Twitter woke up and started tweeting stuff like "Indians reportedly in on Beltran according to Buster Olney" and got me even more excited. And yes, I was fully aware it added less than nothing to the discussion. But more people! Talking! Indians and Beltran! Sure, the guy is 35 years old and has questionable knees ... and he doesn't play first base .... but he's a guy! A name guy! Can you imagine him in the lineup?? For real, let's do it, like I did from 7:50 a.m. on: Grady/Cabrera/Beltran/Santana/Choo/Pronk/Kipnis/Chisenhall/Brantley(playing 1B, which he can allegedly do). Holy shit! Let me pick my spot out on Euclid for the parade!
Anyway, we know/knew how the story ends. Carlos Beltran signs with the St. Louis Cardinals, and for good measure, out of nowhere, the guy I had already drafted onto the Cleveland Browns this coming April and started at QB, and pegged to save the franchise from this bottomless pit of Cleveland hell, Matt Barkley, decided to forgo millions of dollars and finish his precious USC education. Nice call, Matt. Enjoy the sunshine and endless blowjobs you bleached-blonde nerd. I hope you get AIDS and die.
Fuck. Alls I'm saying is today was underrated for how bad it sucked. Just a random Thursday in the life of a degenerate Cleveland fan, folks. I know I had fun, hope you did too. At least the Browns don't play on Christmas Eve and ruin a family gathering. Oh, wait, what's that?
.....
Merry Christmas, everyone! Go Teams.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tough?
Here's a phrase I'm done with: Cleveland fans, when asked about being Cleveland fans, will say, "it's tough." I hear it all the time. It's tough to be a Cleveland fan.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Um, no. It's not. It's just sports. And we're not playing.
Being a Cleveland fan is a lot of things. It's not fun; it's boring; it's frustrating; it's stupid; it's something to do; it's tradition; it's a reason to drink beer; it's a losing endeavor; it's an unrewarded proposition; it's fruitless; it's a misguided point of pride; it's somewhat embarrassing; it's something to talk about; it's something to think about when avoiding real life. These are all things I know and all things I fully accept. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about how Kyrie Irving looked in his first preseason game. I'd just, you know, learn about the Eurozone crisis, or something.
But is it tough? Really? If you honestly are sitting there Sunday, watching the Browns lose again, for the millionth time — in your warm house, sipping a cold one — and thinking to yourself "Man, this is TOUGH! I don't know how I do this!" then you are an idiot. Pat yourself on the back for being able to endure such a struggle of the human will and then kill yourself.
For some people it might be tough just because of the Cleveland part. If they live in Cleveland, odds are they have no job or a shitty job and can't ever get their snow-covered car to start in the morning, and so all of that stuff tangles up with Travis Hafner's injuries and the Cliff Lee trade and makes being a Cleveland fan tough. But it ain't. And those people are probably just whiners anyway.
I say this lovingly as I have, I'm sure, done this myself. If I looked in the archives of this dumb blog, I'd probably see myself saying "Man it is TOUGH being a Cleveland fan." But that's because I'm an idiot sometimes, too.
Watch the clip of James Harrison giving Colt McCoy a guaranteed ticket to pissing himself and forgetting who is wife is when he's 50 years old again. Man, being a Cleveland athlete ... now THAT's got to be tough.
Tough is just a word, and not even that strong of a word, but it bugs me now. I think it bugs me because it has become the Cleveland fan's default ethos. It seems like any Jhonny-Peralta-Come-Lately can plop down at a bar stool, watch a game and say casually, "Man, it's tough being a Cleveland fan," and then pay their tab, forget about the game and go home to jerk off and beat their wife.
Look, it's definitely DUMB to sit there and watch the Browns on Sunday, and it's a WASTE OF TIME, and it's ANNOYING to watch them never play a meaningful game, and it's PATHETIC that all of our teams ultimately fail, and blah blah blah and so on. But when this happens, I just look at some mock drafts and think about next year. Done. Not so tough. ... and sure, I get close to tears with how frustrated and angry I get, and I waste hours on the phone discussing how much I hate these teams and the decisions they make and how much time I spend watching and thinking about what's going to happen next and what just happened ...
Wait, what was I saying again?
Oh yea. Tough. It's an inaccurate descriptor. For those of you taking my words to heart, here is what you can use instead:
"Being a Cleveland fan — It fucking sucks."
Next round is on me. Go teams.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I hate LeBron James, but I'm not a racist (I swear!)
I'm a fan boy. Through and through. For example, I love Metallica. They can put out shitty albums and I will say "they were trying something different." They can attack everyone's beloved Napster and I will say "hey man, shouldn't musicians earn money for their art?" And so on.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
This is the intro I'm using to explain why I'm not a racist. (Like I said, it's just the intro, give me a minute.) I'm a Cleveland sports fan to an absurd degree. I live, breath and snort Cleveland sports. I'm a fan boy for Cleveland sports the same way I'm a fan boy for Metallica or Calvin and Hobbes comic strips or sandwiches. It's just in me and any attempt to besmirch these things will irritate me.
This is why I hate LeBron James.
I just attended The Derision, a debate with Scott Raab, author of The Whore of Akron, and Jimi Izrael, Ohio City Writers board member, about the legacy of of LeBron. And it was awesome. Raab is one of my favorite writers because of his style, his candor and his love of Cleveland. I had never read anything from Izrael, but he was great in this forum as well. They both made some great, insightful and hilarious points. However, one common issue was brought up by Izrael and by people in the audience: White Cleveland fans are mad because this black man made good for himself. He was not "ours." We should get over it or at least see it for what it is.
Clearly, I do not agree with this concept and believe people should see my hatred for what it is.
I do not deny any of the racial implications of the WE HATE LEBRON campaign of Northeast Ohio, most notably the white male fans. Some of the comments and tweets I've seen make me cringe. And even those that don't no doubt have hints of our sensitive (read: appalling) racial past (and present, obviously). But I also do not deny my own visceral impulses, and these impulses make me hate LeBron - regardless of skin color. It's usually a fairly naive person that makes such a claim, but such hypocrisy usually exists in real life, and my hatred of LeBron doesn't exist in real life.
In 2002, after Jim Thome left for more money, I fucking hated Jim Thome. When he came back with the White Sox in whatever year that was (I'm still half-drunk, look it up yourself) I booed the fuck out of him. So did the rest of the crowd. Thome booing stayed constant for basically nine years until he came back to wear the Cleveland colors again this year. I bought into the "Thome comes Homey!" narrative, but now that he is on the Phillies again, he can fuck off. Speaking of pieces of shit, I submit the name Cliff Lee. Hell, most Cleveland fans probably don't even hate Cliff Lee because he was "traded" and didn't "leave us." Bull shit. Fuck Cliff Lee. I will never forget that he sat in a Buffalo dugout while the Tribe went into the playoffs in 2007 and had a chance at a title. And then all of a sudden he gets good again, with the help of our coaching, won a Cy Young, and it was all but assured he'd never wear the Cleveland colors again - the only colors that really matter.
And that was hatred for just Jim Thome and Cliff Lee!! Hall of Famers? Yes. Assholes? No doubt. Saviors of the city who will make us winners for the first time since 1964? Fuck no!
My hatred of LeBron might be hashtagged a #whiteguyproblem, but that makes me sad. I thought all races and creeds bonded over irrational sports fanaticism. If our teams do poorly, we get upset; if someone leaves our teams when we do not want them to, we will hate them. It's very black and white, but it's not about blacks and whites. Right?
And really, it's not about real hate, if we're being really real. Some of the hatred of a LeBron James or an Albert Belle (remember him? How forgetful people are about the many, many, many, many others we've booed and hated for purely superficial, sports reasons) might be racial for some fans, but for most normal fans (a term used in the loosest of definitions), these are all just assholes that left Cleveland. And we hate them in that lovable sports way that causes us to burn their jerseys and shout obscenities when they walk by.
In sports, many of these people happen to be minorities. Because of this athletic superiority, the sophomoric insults hurled their way by the mostly white fans seem more despicable than they are. And maybe they are that despicable. But mostly, I think, these are just the rantings of crazed Cleveland fans who would scream at a lifeless tree if it had anti-Browns propaganda written on it. And we think the Browns suck! That's how fucked up our thinking is! It's unfair to make most of our comments of love or hatred race-based because so little of it is based on any rational thought to begin with. To make it racist gives it too much credit, in a way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm half drunk and I hate LeBron and I'm not racist - I swear. These are the only points I'm trying to make on this Monday night at midnight before work in the morning.
Go Raab. Go Izrael. Go Happy Dog. Go Teams.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day look at the skyline
Three games with Detroit coming up. Six point five games back. Most of the current every day lineup has traveled up I-71. The players that should be playing are limping around, arms in slings, holding their sides after stretching in the morning. We should all do ourselves a favor, put on our Gerard Warren jerseys and start bitching about all things orange and brown. It is Labor Day afterall - it was a good run! The Tribe gave us a ridiculously fun summer. Walk off wins and all that. Good times. But when I look up at the skyline, I see the Terminal Tower.... yup, this is still Cleveland, and those Good Times had to end at some point. And they have.
It might SEEM like there is STILL THAT CHANCE left because of these games with Detroit and because SIZEMORE IS BACK today and we brought fucking god damn Jim Thome back and we have some good starters and a good bullpen ... but it would just be healthier to officially tone down our great big Chief Wahoo grins.
I'm making this announcement today because, more than anything, I need to make myself believe this. Waking up to see the tweet: "Grady Sizemore is batting leadoff" and knowing that a sweep would put us 3.5 games back with a ton of games to play leads my mind to wander. I'm easily tantalized, but not really because there is a real reason to believe - nothing factual, nothing solid - it's only because I so desperately want to believe. This season was just too special and fun to believe that it's going to end with such a thud. We were 30-15 and had the world by the balls. We swung a huge deadline deal and acquired the biggest prize on the market. We even brought back fucking, god damn Jim Thome, just to add that extra prodigal son, heart-warming, homecoming storyline. Aw, nice. Like Lofton in 2007, but with more bitterness.
Sure, the entire team has been on the DL this year, BUT we were able to kind of tread water without them. So WHEN they come back, we will REALLY turn it on! See, look! Grady's back... and Kipnis is supposed to be back this week ... and I hear Pronk is ahead of schedule ... and I'm sure Choo will be back soon too ......
No. Stop it. This is why I'm writing this. I've gone through that laundry list at least 10 different times this year, re-talking myself into a team that had already died. This season might have felt like a lucky, charmed, fluke of a season when there were few expectations in April, but now when you look at it, and you see the entire team out with injuries (and even when they come back, they get hurt fucking stretching. STRETCHING! Seriously, WTF is an oblique and why the hell do ours suck so bad?!) you realize this season had just as much, if not more, bad luck. So many should haves and could haves and what ifs. Honestly, what would the Tigers look like without their top four hitters? I'll tell you - they'd be GOD AWFUL. Not enough is being made about how banged up the Tribe has been, and yet how close they still are. Somehow we've avoided being GOD AWFUL, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the year, but the absence of GOD AWFUL doesn't print playoff tickets. But it has brewed false hope. A lot of it. I've been drunk on it all year. How drunk have I been on false hope? I started to believe Fausto Carmona "found it again." Jesus. That is not healthy. And that's why I'm writing this.
The true symbol of what I'm saying is Grady Sizemore. He's my guy. I have a shirt with his name on it. The dude, in a perfect world, could have been a top 5 player in all of baseball. However, not only is this NOT a perfect world - look up at the skyline again. If there ever was a comically imperfect, down right pathetic world, it would exist within stadiums on the shores of Lake Erie. Grady is the ultimate tantalizer. There is no reason for us to truly believe he's going to step back into the lineup and do anything. Earlier in the year he came off the DL (the second time) and sucked balls for weeks, until, of course, he looked like was turning it around and then went back on the DL. ..... I know that when he came off the DL THE FIRST TIME that he was unreal, smashing doubles the way he breaks hearts ...... but don't do it. Don't talk yourself into it. It's Labor Day, the team is 6.5 games back, the best players are in full body casts - it's time to talk yourself into Colt McCoy and Brian Robiskie, not Grady Sizemore.
If you doubt this thesis, even for a second, even if Grady smacks a double, and Asdrubal is up, and we're only 2 runs down, and we can chip into the Tiger's lead ... and if we can just win this one game, and then put Kipnis back in the lineup ... and then get Choo back in it .... and then if Masterson can match Verlander on Wednesday .... plus, we still play the Tigers three more times after this series ....
... Just take a deep breath and look at the skyline. Six point five games. That's a lot. In Cleveland, it's even more.
Go Tribe. Go Browns.
It might SEEM like there is STILL THAT CHANCE left because of these games with Detroit and because SIZEMORE IS BACK today and we brought fucking god damn Jim Thome back and we have some good starters and a good bullpen ... but it would just be healthier to officially tone down our great big Chief Wahoo grins.
I'm making this announcement today because, more than anything, I need to make myself believe this. Waking up to see the tweet: "Grady Sizemore is batting leadoff" and knowing that a sweep would put us 3.5 games back with a ton of games to play leads my mind to wander. I'm easily tantalized, but not really because there is a real reason to believe - nothing factual, nothing solid - it's only because I so desperately want to believe. This season was just too special and fun to believe that it's going to end with such a thud. We were 30-15 and had the world by the balls. We swung a huge deadline deal and acquired the biggest prize on the market. We even brought back fucking, god damn Jim Thome, just to add that extra prodigal son, heart-warming, homecoming storyline. Aw, nice. Like Lofton in 2007, but with more bitterness.
Sure, the entire team has been on the DL this year, BUT we were able to kind of tread water without them. So WHEN they come back, we will REALLY turn it on! See, look! Grady's back... and Kipnis is supposed to be back this week ... and I hear Pronk is ahead of schedule ... and I'm sure Choo will be back soon too ......
No. Stop it. This is why I'm writing this. I've gone through that laundry list at least 10 different times this year, re-talking myself into a team that had already died. This season might have felt like a lucky, charmed, fluke of a season when there were few expectations in April, but now when you look at it, and you see the entire team out with injuries (and even when they come back, they get hurt fucking stretching. STRETCHING! Seriously, WTF is an oblique and why the hell do ours suck so bad?!) you realize this season had just as much, if not more, bad luck. So many should haves and could haves and what ifs. Honestly, what would the Tigers look like without their top four hitters? I'll tell you - they'd be GOD AWFUL. Not enough is being made about how banged up the Tribe has been, and yet how close they still are. Somehow we've avoided being GOD AWFUL, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the year, but the absence of GOD AWFUL doesn't print playoff tickets. But it has brewed false hope. A lot of it. I've been drunk on it all year. How drunk have I been on false hope? I started to believe Fausto Carmona "found it again." Jesus. That is not healthy. And that's why I'm writing this.
The true symbol of what I'm saying is Grady Sizemore. He's my guy. I have a shirt with his name on it. The dude, in a perfect world, could have been a top 5 player in all of baseball. However, not only is this NOT a perfect world - look up at the skyline again. If there ever was a comically imperfect, down right pathetic world, it would exist within stadiums on the shores of Lake Erie. Grady is the ultimate tantalizer. There is no reason for us to truly believe he's going to step back into the lineup and do anything. Earlier in the year he came off the DL (the second time) and sucked balls for weeks, until, of course, he looked like was turning it around and then went back on the DL. ..... I know that when he came off the DL THE FIRST TIME that he was unreal, smashing doubles the way he breaks hearts ...... but don't do it. Don't talk yourself into it. It's Labor Day, the team is 6.5 games back, the best players are in full body casts - it's time to talk yourself into Colt McCoy and Brian Robiskie, not Grady Sizemore.
If you doubt this thesis, even for a second, even if Grady smacks a double, and Asdrubal is up, and we're only 2 runs down, and we can chip into the Tiger's lead ... and if we can just win this one game, and then put Kipnis back in the lineup ... and then get Choo back in it .... and then if Masterson can match Verlander on Wednesday .... plus, we still play the Tigers three more times after this series ....
... Just take a deep breath and look at the skyline. Six point five games. That's a lot. In Cleveland, it's even more.
Go Tribe. Go Browns.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bring back the blue seats
Here's the most depressing part about the 2011 Cavs: This might not be as bad as it gets.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Nope. I'm not watching.
Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
****
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
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