Hey, LeBron, let's make this simple for you. If you want to win basketball games, be loyal and stay true to your roots and hometown and not bow out of this town like a coward—if you want to give an honest try to win a title in Cleveland, especially after you flat-out quit on all of us in the middle of the Eastern Conference semis—then you should stay.
But if part of you really wants to chase the idea of being this "global icon," and if you think that's unachievable here in Cleveland, then you should leave. For real.
I thought I'd be part of the groveling masses, begging and pleading for you to love me. I thought if you left I'd never shake the black cloud of misery from above my head. I thought I might not care about sports as much because, to me, you signaled the last hope we had of winning a championship. I legit thought these things—that's how much of an impact you have had on my life.
I really, really want you to stay—definitely—but I was wrong to think those things. I'm not going to chase affection. And if you truly could give a shit about the time you've spent here, or the task at hand or going down as a hometown legend, you'll stay. If you're willing to throw all of that away to chase the glorious more, the green grass, the glitz and pull of the Big Market—then just fucking go.
I've watched many people I've known in my life skip town for various reasons. Some very valid, some very superficial. They wanted the opportunities of a Bigger Market. Or they didn't like the weather. Or they simply were searching for that glorious more. They all felt held back in some way by Ohio.
Here's the funny thing about these people, from what I gather. These same people, when they reach their green grass, are the same people. They still bitch about the same stuff. They're still self-absorbed; they're still "waiting for the weekend;" they still get bored. Maybe not everyone, but most people don't reflect their scenery, they reflect onto their scenery.
A friend of mine that was ahead of me in high school graduated and moved to California. That seemed so exotic and interesting to me. When he returned the next fall for a little bit, I saw him at a football game. Of course, I asked him about California. Was it awesome? Did it change his life forever? The perfect weather and all of the Things To Do!?
"Everyone asks me that, and at first it's like, yeah, look at all this shit to do, but that's just because it's new. Eventually, it just becomes another Ashtabula."
Clearly, it doesn't literally become another Ashtabula because people still have jobs and 90 percent of the population doesn't angrily drink all day in the dark shadows of shady bars or hang out at the mall—but in that sentence, he said it all.
And that's what I say to you, LeBron. If you want the big city or the new experience or the "better" experience, then go. Try it out. I'm guessing your legacy will still be in the same position it is in now. Big name. Breath-taking talent. In search of a title.
Or maybe it will work out. Maybe you'll leave and win and go down in the history books. But you know who won't give a shit? Ohio. Your hometown fans. And if we don't care, then what's the point, ya know?
I'm not going to beg. I'm going to proudly root for my teams through thick or thin and always represent my hometown. And I hope you decide you want to be a part of it. Cleveland, Ohio, is not the place to pine for stardom and not the place to be an arrogant primmadonna. We wear sweatpants to restaurants. If you can't handle those realities, then I won't fight you. I'll help show you the door. (And then never speak your name for the rest of my life. ... We're also bitter and vindictive. I forgot to mention that part.)
Go teams.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Game 6
Game 5 felt like a funeral. It felt like something died in the Q. I'm not sure what died—Game 5, LeBron's career, his career in Cleveland, the Cavs organization, the Cleveland sports scene, the entire city of Cleveland, or just this series against Boston—but something definitely died. It reminded me of the Buckeyes' 2006 National Championship game—before now, the most depressing full game I've ever seen that required a eulogy at its conclusion.
And it depressed me. I felt jarred. I felt like so much ended in those 48 minutes. I actually considered trying not to care as much about sports as a result. What's the point? All I wanted was to just one time witness a championship in Cleveland, and if LeBron can't deliver it, I need to just give up. I hear this American Idol show is pretty consuming. Maybe I'll try that.
I'm not ruling that out, but I've toned the rhetoric down a little bit. I still think the sky is falling, but I'm not going to let that dampen my spirits. The point of watching and caring about this dumb stuff was never really about the championships—afterall, never won one—it's just about the watching and caring itself. My mom helped remind me of this on the phone today.
Me: I really think I'm going to distance myself from this stuff. I mean, that was just terrible.
Mom: Yea, so? That's what happens here. You know that.
Me: ..... Yea, but....
Doesn't matter what I said next. This woman who hardly ever watches one of these damn games was completely right. She knows. She's lived here her whole life in a family of sports fans, wanting these teams to win. We just don't. Why is this different? We get excited and get let down. But we watch. That's just what we do. I'm not letting one crappy, disinterested game dampen the passion I have for my crappy teams.
And just within the last hour, I've decided I'm not going to let that crappy, disinterested game make me walk into Game 6 as a LeBron hater. I kind of wanted to for most of the day. His passive play just made me too mad, sad, depressed and fearful. But it was, admittedly, a little unfair. My true hatred for his play, I think, rested in the whole "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!! WE HAVE TO WIN NOW!!!" The possibility of LeBron leaving heightened the importance of everything, probably too much.
But I'm turning that around. The "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!" means that Game 6 really, honestly might be the very last time we all root for LeBron James. I know Game 5 felt that way, but Game 6 really might be, for real. Think about that. The last seven years of my life were devoted to every step LeBron has taken, and Game 6 may be the last time I even want him to live. It seems inappropriate and sad, as a true Cleveland fan, to not believe in the man at least one last time.
I do think we're going to lose, and I do think he's going to leave this summer, but there's plenty of time to be hateful and bitter when it's all officially over. I know we all look forward to being bitter, but let's just walk into at least one more game as believers of LeBron before we return to our mediocre sports cesspool. He's brought basketball in this city to heights never imagined—no matter how bad and sleepy he looked in Game 5. The least we can do is tell his doubters to Fuck Off one last time before we hate him for life. Right? Who's with me?!
Go Cavs.
And it depressed me. I felt jarred. I felt like so much ended in those 48 minutes. I actually considered trying not to care as much about sports as a result. What's the point? All I wanted was to just one time witness a championship in Cleveland, and if LeBron can't deliver it, I need to just give up. I hear this American Idol show is pretty consuming. Maybe I'll try that.
I'm not ruling that out, but I've toned the rhetoric down a little bit. I still think the sky is falling, but I'm not going to let that dampen my spirits. The point of watching and caring about this dumb stuff was never really about the championships—afterall, never won one—it's just about the watching and caring itself. My mom helped remind me of this on the phone today.
Me: I really think I'm going to distance myself from this stuff. I mean, that was just terrible.
Mom: Yea, so? That's what happens here. You know that.
Me: ..... Yea, but....
Doesn't matter what I said next. This woman who hardly ever watches one of these damn games was completely right. She knows. She's lived here her whole life in a family of sports fans, wanting these teams to win. We just don't. Why is this different? We get excited and get let down. But we watch. That's just what we do. I'm not letting one crappy, disinterested game dampen the passion I have for my crappy teams.
And just within the last hour, I've decided I'm not going to let that crappy, disinterested game make me walk into Game 6 as a LeBron hater. I kind of wanted to for most of the day. His passive play just made me too mad, sad, depressed and fearful. But it was, admittedly, a little unfair. My true hatred for his play, I think, rested in the whole "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!! WE HAVE TO WIN NOW!!!" The possibility of LeBron leaving heightened the importance of everything, probably too much.
But I'm turning that around. The "LEBRON MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!" means that Game 6 really, honestly might be the very last time we all root for LeBron James. I know Game 5 felt that way, but Game 6 really might be, for real. Think about that. The last seven years of my life were devoted to every step LeBron has taken, and Game 6 may be the last time I even want him to live. It seems inappropriate and sad, as a true Cleveland fan, to not believe in the man at least one last time.
I do think we're going to lose, and I do think he's going to leave this summer, but there's plenty of time to be hateful and bitter when it's all officially over. I know we all look forward to being bitter, but let's just walk into at least one more game as believers of LeBron before we return to our mediocre sports cesspool. He's brought basketball in this city to heights never imagined—no matter how bad and sleepy he looked in Game 5. The least we can do is tell his doubters to Fuck Off one last time before we hate him for life. Right? Who's with me?!
Go Cavs.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The real reason LeBron should stay in Cleveland
Note: This is a Typical Cleveland Fan post. There are two versions of the Typical Cleveland Fan. There's the one before the season who declares the Browns are going to the Super Bowl with Brady Quinn as the QB. And then there's this one. ... Put on a coat, it's going to get bitterly cold in here. Actually, it's just going to get bitter. But put a coat on anyway. This is Cleveland; it's cold out.
I swear I'm not calling out LeBron James. I love him like gray skies love Northeast Ohio. I'd give my sense of smell so that he'd stay here his whole career.
But. Dude. Come on now. You too?
My life has been filled with false sports idols. Albert Belle. Manny Ramirez. Jim Thome. Brady Quinn. Kenny Lofton. Mark Price. Brad Daugherty. CC Sabathia. Bernie Kosar. ... are you seriously going to add your name to this list?
And just what is this list? It appears to be a random list of great players (or semi-terrible in Quinn's case) that I liked for various reasons throughout my life. And yes, that's exactly what it is. Whether I love or hate these guys now is irrelevant. At one time, I believed in all of them and thought they would be the guy that would lead Cleveland into the winner's circle. And all of them failed. Every last one of them. I was like Jacob in "Lost," hoping the next guy would be The One. The guy that would prove everyone wrong. That things could change. He would win. Here. Cleveland.
Nope. None of them.
And I'm only 25! That's just under half of our title drought. People like my uncle have been kicked in the nads more times than bad guys in kids movies.
Our last title was 1964. And who was on the team? Jim Brown. The last TRULY great athlete our city had before LeBron. There were other really awesome ones, like the names listed above, but none like Jim Brown, and none like LeBron. So .... Brown = Title ; Brown = LeBron; LeBron = Title?
Um, right? ... [Rewatching Game 2 against Boston.] ... Uh oh.
Come on! ... I tell myself ... He's now a two-time MVP of the NBA! He is flat out the most gifted basketball player breathing. He imposes his will on teams. And he's STILL playing with a cast of characters that shrink when it matters most. He has to do it all by himself!
I kind of agree with myself there. But here's the unfortunate truth everyone: Because LeBron is the best player on earth, and because he can, does and should impose his will on other teams, the burden is on him to win the title. Period. Heavy is the head that wears the crown; and if a guy tattoos "King" and "Chosen One" on himself, then his head should feel like Shaq after a trip to McDonalds. All TRULY great NBA players win titles, no excuses. Clearly, LeBron has time to win a title for the next decade, (Probably on another team. I mean, right?) but a trend is starting to develop here. This team has had the best record in the league for two straight years, so it's not like everyone on the team is a total stiff. At some point, these failures and sad or pathetic or gut-wrenching losses have to be the fault of LeBron, right? I mean, if he is TRULY great, and if he's coaching the team and not Mike Brown, and if the team has taken on his personality, and if he is their leader, and if they defer to him at all times..... then it's ALL on him. Good, bad or Game-2-level truly pathetic.
If LeBron fails again, which I now believe he will, (Yup, I'm that guy. Sorry. I want to be wrong. Please prove me wrong. Anybody.) put his name on the wall next to Cliff Lee and Brian Sype and Ernest Byner and all the other losers I mentioned. Good guys? Yes. Great athletes? You bet. Legendary Cleveland athletes I'll tell my grand kids about? Absolutely. Ultimately a bunch of losers? Unfortunately, yes.
But my real thesis behind this entire post: If LeBron fails again, then he should definitely re-sign with the Cavs this summer. Not because he owes us a title or because he'll have unfinished business or because his favorite pizza place is here. It's because he's truly one of us. Seriously. Our homegrown savior, born and bred to play basketball better than anyone else, drafted by us, worshiped by us—who ultimately fails in the end. Now THAT is a true Clevelander.
Wow. That was brutally bitter. I apologize. I hope this looks stupid in a month. Go Cavs.
I swear I'm not calling out LeBron James. I love him like gray skies love Northeast Ohio. I'd give my sense of smell so that he'd stay here his whole career.
But. Dude. Come on now. You too?
My life has been filled with false sports idols. Albert Belle. Manny Ramirez. Jim Thome. Brady Quinn. Kenny Lofton. Mark Price. Brad Daugherty. CC Sabathia. Bernie Kosar. ... are you seriously going to add your name to this list?
And just what is this list? It appears to be a random list of great players (or semi-terrible in Quinn's case) that I liked for various reasons throughout my life. And yes, that's exactly what it is. Whether I love or hate these guys now is irrelevant. At one time, I believed in all of them and thought they would be the guy that would lead Cleveland into the winner's circle. And all of them failed. Every last one of them. I was like Jacob in "Lost," hoping the next guy would be The One. The guy that would prove everyone wrong. That things could change. He would win. Here. Cleveland.
Nope. None of them.
And I'm only 25! That's just under half of our title drought. People like my uncle have been kicked in the nads more times than bad guys in kids movies.
Our last title was 1964. And who was on the team? Jim Brown. The last TRULY great athlete our city had before LeBron. There were other really awesome ones, like the names listed above, but none like Jim Brown, and none like LeBron. So .... Brown = Title ; Brown = LeBron; LeBron = Title?
Um, right? ... [Rewatching Game 2 against Boston.] ... Uh oh.
Come on! ... I tell myself ... He's now a two-time MVP of the NBA! He is flat out the most gifted basketball player breathing. He imposes his will on teams. And he's STILL playing with a cast of characters that shrink when it matters most. He has to do it all by himself!
I kind of agree with myself there. But here's the unfortunate truth everyone: Because LeBron is the best player on earth, and because he can, does and should impose his will on other teams, the burden is on him to win the title. Period. Heavy is the head that wears the crown; and if a guy tattoos "King" and "Chosen One" on himself, then his head should feel like Shaq after a trip to McDonalds. All TRULY great NBA players win titles, no excuses. Clearly, LeBron has time to win a title for the next decade, (Probably on another team. I mean, right?) but a trend is starting to develop here. This team has had the best record in the league for two straight years, so it's not like everyone on the team is a total stiff. At some point, these failures and sad or pathetic or gut-wrenching losses have to be the fault of LeBron, right? I mean, if he is TRULY great, and if he's coaching the team and not Mike Brown, and if the team has taken on his personality, and if he is their leader, and if they defer to him at all times..... then it's ALL on him. Good, bad or Game-2-level truly pathetic.
If LeBron fails again, which I now believe he will, (Yup, I'm that guy. Sorry. I want to be wrong. Please prove me wrong. Anybody.) put his name on the wall next to Cliff Lee and Brian Sype and Ernest Byner and all the other losers I mentioned. Good guys? Yes. Great athletes? You bet. Legendary Cleveland athletes I'll tell my grand kids about? Absolutely. Ultimately a bunch of losers? Unfortunately, yes.
But my real thesis behind this entire post: If LeBron fails again, then he should definitely re-sign with the Cavs this summer. Not because he owes us a title or because he'll have unfinished business or because his favorite pizza place is here. It's because he's truly one of us. Seriously. Our homegrown savior, born and bred to play basketball better than anyone else, drafted by us, worshiped by us—who ultimately fails in the end. Now THAT is a true Clevelander.
Wow. That was brutally bitter. I apologize. I hope this looks stupid in a month. Go Cavs.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Sports Fan Calendar
I'm going to plagiarize myself. I had the idea for the Sports Fan Calendar back in my college days, and since we're on the brink of a New Year in sports, I felt like dusting it off and re-sharing it. Other than a few updates here and there, it's the same column as before. Yup, I'm that lazy.
2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.
Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.
Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:
MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.
The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.
NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.
U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.
Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.
Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.
The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!
I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.
2010 has been under way for almost three months now, but not for me. My year is just starting. I operate under the Sports Fan Calendar. The Sports Fan Calendar is a lot like the normal, everyday calendar, only it's much less boring and involves a lot more swearing and beer.
Although sports fans still take part in the regular holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have our own holidays in the Sports Fan Calendar. While everyone else is blowing horns and choking on confetti in January, we sit back and wait for the opening rounds of March Madness—the real New Year's. Think about it. People who celebrate the normal New Year's Day believe they will exercise and eat right after the ball drops. Tomorrow, after the ball is tipped, sports fans everywhere will start to believe LeHigh can beat Kansas. Impossibility is suspended by hope on New Year's Day.
Here are some other brief examples of Holidays during the Sports Fan Calendar:
MLB Opening Day—SFC Easter —A sports fan's holy day of obligation. It's springtime and new life is in the air, especially for 30 MLB teams. Baseball is also very Jesus-like. It accounts for human error and accepts failure as a part of the game. On a side note, Grady Sizemore can walk on water.
The Masters—SFC Thanksgiving—A tradition unlike any other. This was founded by groups of people long ago. On the same Thursday (through Sunday) every year we commemorate and reenact the spirit of the past celebrations. Plymouth Rock, meet Augusta National.
NFL Draft—SFC Memorial Day Weekend— The NFL draft is a time to remember the dead. Teams like the Rams, Lions and Raiders are pushed to the forefront. Sweet teams like the Chargers, Colts and Browns are there, but only as background to the dead. This isn't a holiday celebrated by all, but people who love it, like me, enjoy the time to reflect, mourn and look to the future.
U.S Open (golf)—SFC Fourth of July—The celebration of America and democracy: An open tournament for the U.S. people to be champions of golf. And much like the real American democracy, it is an illusion and it's all eventually ruled by one entity. But it's much more fun.
Browns v Steelers—SFC Halloween—Scary.
Rivalry Week through the BCS Championship—SFC Holiday Season—For Ohio State fans, the Michigan game is Christmas Eve and the bowl game is Christmas. If you don't like Ohio State for some ridiculous reason, it doesn't matter because everyone has a holiday! Bowl season recognizes everyone's culture. Jews, Muslims, Pagans and SEC fans can all celebrate in their own way. Plus, half the population is upset and depressed just like the regular holiday season. It's fun.
The Super Bowl—SFC New Year's Eve—The end of the calendar year. Everyone celebrates it, but only a few people really care. Everyone has a party, fakes enthusiasm, eats too much dip and then quits caring right after it's over. The Sports Fan Calendar then enters the offseason. Fans take some time to renegotiate, play with the kids and anticipate March Madness. So sports fans, if I don't see you tomorrow, which I won't because I'll be in my living room, in a bathrobe, watching basketball for 12 hours: Have a happy New Year! Go Bucks!
I wish that last joke was still true. Damn the real world and it's ignorance of the Sports Fan Calendar. ..... Go Bucks.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
No way to spin it: Jake Delhomme sucks
Let's call the Delhomme signing what it is—just a giant turd. There is no way to get excited for it as a fan.
It's not that Quinn is good. I could care less we traded Quinn. But I feel like we ended the Quinn era just to end it, regardless of Plan B. Why not just keep Quinn while we wait for our next "franchise" QB? Why waste money on Delhomme during this dark period?
It's like Holmgren said, "Hey, throw out that Coors Light, let me buy you some real beer!" And then proceeded to buy us Genessee.
Give me time and I talk myself into just about any farcical reality. I bought into Charlie Frye. I'm excited for the Tribe this year. I own a Luke Jackson jersey. I'm an easy sell. That's what makes this Delhomme signing so astounding: It is impossible to get excited for.
The only positive talking points people have are A) he's a veteran guy; B) he's a game manager; and C) he gives us stability at the position. All of these are correct.
He's a veteran. That will happen when you hang around the league until you're 35. You get to be called a veteran, which is always a positive term. Even when you are way past your glory days, people can spin the veteran word and people buy it.
"Hey, we got Willie McGinest? He'll bring a veteran presence to the linebacker position."
"Hey, we got Chuck Finley? Should provide a nice veteran presence to our rotation."
"Sweet, we signed Donyell Marshall? The dude's been there before, this should really help us."
And so on.
He's a game manager. Just because you're a veteran, and you're a white QB, it doesn't mean you are a "heady QB." Brady Quinn threw 7 INTs last year and Delhomme threw 18. Quinn is the guy with only a full year of starting experience. Maybe it's an anomaly, but is the 18-INT guy really the one to tout as the "smart game manager?" I fail to see the logic in this. Explain it to me WITHOUT using his stats from five years ago. This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine. This will be the 2010 season.
He provides stability. Delhomme provides stability because he's been signed to be the starter. We avoid controversy this way. Yup, no controversy. However, by this definition, any living organism would have been a positive so long as Holmgren named him the starter. Name Trent Dilfer the starter again? Stability. Name Josh Cribbs the starter? Stability. Name '80s hip hop star Bobby Brown the starter? Stability. Stable doesn't imply good, and it especially doesn't when applied to Delhomme—who is no longer good.
Whatever. If this 35-year-old that's thrown 22 INTs in his last 12 games, and is being paid $12 million to not be on his old team, is decent next year, then that's great. Awesome. Pop the champagne. But right now, I just don't believe it. With Quinn, I was able to live under the delusion that he could potentially figure it out and be decent. Time was still on his side and that gave me hope. Delhomme doesn't provide that. There is no delusion. He's just a washed up QB we didn't need to sign. To be a Browns fan, you need a hopeful delusion in the offseason. That's all we ask. Set us up for a fall. Is that really so hard to do?
Maybe it will all make sense after The Draft, when we select our new tantalizing college star QB (Tim Tebow, anyone?) that makes us root for Delhomme to get injured and ultimately leads us to five wins and bitterness ... but until that happens, I'm going to stay bummed out.
Go Browns.
It's not that Quinn is good. I could care less we traded Quinn. But I feel like we ended the Quinn era just to end it, regardless of Plan B. Why not just keep Quinn while we wait for our next "franchise" QB? Why waste money on Delhomme during this dark period?
It's like Holmgren said, "Hey, throw out that Coors Light, let me buy you some real beer!" And then proceeded to buy us Genessee.
Give me time and I talk myself into just about any farcical reality. I bought into Charlie Frye. I'm excited for the Tribe this year. I own a Luke Jackson jersey. I'm an easy sell. That's what makes this Delhomme signing so astounding: It is impossible to get excited for.
The only positive talking points people have are A) he's a veteran guy; B) he's a game manager; and C) he gives us stability at the position. All of these are correct.
He's a veteran. That will happen when you hang around the league until you're 35. You get to be called a veteran, which is always a positive term. Even when you are way past your glory days, people can spin the veteran word and people buy it.
"Hey, we got Willie McGinest? He'll bring a veteran presence to the linebacker position."
"Hey, we got Chuck Finley? Should provide a nice veteran presence to our rotation."
"Sweet, we signed Donyell Marshall? The dude's been there before, this should really help us."
And so on.
He's a game manager. Just because you're a veteran, and you're a white QB, it doesn't mean you are a "heady QB." Brady Quinn threw 7 INTs last year and Delhomme threw 18. Quinn is the guy with only a full year of starting experience. Maybe it's an anomaly, but is the 18-INT guy really the one to tout as the "smart game manager?" I fail to see the logic in this. Explain it to me WITHOUT using his stats from five years ago. This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine. This will be the 2010 season.
He provides stability. Delhomme provides stability because he's been signed to be the starter. We avoid controversy this way. Yup, no controversy. However, by this definition, any living organism would have been a positive so long as Holmgren named him the starter. Name Trent Dilfer the starter again? Stability. Name Josh Cribbs the starter? Stability. Name '80s hip hop star Bobby Brown the starter? Stability. Stable doesn't imply good, and it especially doesn't when applied to Delhomme—who is no longer good.
Whatever. If this 35-year-old that's thrown 22 INTs in his last 12 games, and is being paid $12 million to not be on his old team, is decent next year, then that's great. Awesome. Pop the champagne. But right now, I just don't believe it. With Quinn, I was able to live under the delusion that he could potentially figure it out and be decent. Time was still on his side and that gave me hope. Delhomme doesn't provide that. There is no delusion. He's just a washed up QB we didn't need to sign. To be a Browns fan, you need a hopeful delusion in the offseason. That's all we ask. Set us up for a fall. Is that really so hard to do?
Maybe it will all make sense after The Draft, when we select our new tantalizing college star QB (Tim Tebow, anyone?) that makes us root for Delhomme to get injured and ultimately leads us to five wins and bitterness ... but until that happens, I'm going to stay bummed out.
Go Browns.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Forget Forbes, embrace The Plum
In the wake of Forbes-called-us-miserable-gate, many Clevelanders got real defensive. Plain Dealer columns. Radio shows. TV commercials. Even a website called whattheforbes.com. The most backlash came from Twitter, where people tweeted why they were #HappyinCLE. “We are NOT miserable, and here's all of the really cool stuff we can do!” was the cry. I got caught up in it too because I hate when outsiders slight my humble city, but I can't help but feel many are missing the point.
Joe Posnanski, as usual, is right. We all need to quit pointing out why we’re no different than metropolitan hot spots in order to prove doubters wrong. Cleveland is different. We're not the Big Apple, we're The Plum, remember? We have to look in the mirror, realize what makes Cleveland, Cleveland, and appreciate all of it—all without wanting to drink a 40-ounce, slit our wrists and slowly bleed to death. If that seems too difficult to do, then leave.
Cleveland is kind of miserable. That's why the Cleveland Tourism Video was so funny. It's these lumps that form our character. Let Forbes call us out. Who cares? That's the type of city Cleveland is. We get looked down on by the snobs, looked over by the cool and called out by the media. But all of those are reasons to be #HappyinCLE. Cleveland is a dive bar. Dive bars are awesome. Quit looking around for the hot girls, the velvet ropes and the foam dance floor. Chug a beer, fart and play darts with your buddies.
What's this have to do with sports? Everything! Our sports teams are the true definition of our delightfully miserable town. There is plenty to have fun with and celebrate in Cleveland sports. It's stuff that's not awesome to outsiders and doesn't lead to success, but it's all unapologetically Cleveland stuff. Much of it is lame or goofy, but that's why we like it. Here are some of my favorite examples in what I'm calling my Plum List— all of which symbolize some part of our true Cleveland identity.
The Brownie Elf. There may be no dumber faux-mascot in all of sports. I wouldn't hesitate to tattoo it on my back.
Austin Carr. The man is more lovable than a puppy in a top hat. It’s the way he gets mad when we’re playing poorly; it’s the way he calls refs into question; it’s his off-the-cuff giddiness after fantastic plays; it's how half the time he can’t find the words to properly describe his emotions (but we all know what he means). And it’s not just his homer traits I love. It’s his laugh, the sound of which may have medicinal purposes; it’s the way he casually uses the word “consequently” at least five times a game; it’s the way he talks himself into corners headed to commercial and just ends it by saying “….in the Quuuuuuuuuuuu.”
“LeBron is taking the Celtics to school tonight… stepping back and firing..from LONG RANGE…OVER Daniels…..from DEEP…..in the Quuuuuuuu.”
And it's the way he goes to do that same thing on the road and clearly has to think for a second and look at a piece of paper to remember the name of the arena. “From DEEP…..in…….the ARCO Areenaaaaaaaa.”
On an objective metric, the man is not good at his job. He is a broadcaster who bumbles over his words and is biased for one side to win a game. But all of that makes me love him. He’s just a goofy guy that irrationally roots for Cleveland. I wouldn’t have Mr. Cavalier be any other way.
Stadium mustard. The greatest mustard on earth. No question. Well, actually, here's a question: Would I believe this if it was from New Hampshire or Texas or Ireland? Here’s my answer: Shut up.
The Dawg Pound. A bunch of drunk fat dudes that are stuck in the '80s. It's sad and played-out, yet nostalgic and charming. Long live the Dawg Pound.
John Adams. A dude, the team he loves and his drum. Win or lose, the man is there showing his passion. Take your modern music and shove it in your ear. Need a run? Pound the drum. Simple. Pure. Mustache.
Complaining. OK, so it's not unique to Cleveland, per se, but nothing makes a real Cleveland fan happier. When the Browns lose, we discuss it for at least 40 minutes of every lunch hour every day until the next game. After they win? That stat dips. Booooring! Do you have lengthy Cavs discussions with people? No—not unless you are talking about why you are worried or mad or why LeBron will or won’t leave. Winning isn’t interesting fodder. Losing is. This makes us at least 10 percent more interesting than someone from a winning town. And I’d rather be an interesting loser than a dull winner.
(See? Now THAT is how you fight back at someone calling you miserable. Agree with them and then show them why it makes you a better person. Go teams.)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sports Fan Anger Index
Die hard sports fans are assured only one thing in life: We will be angry. This anger comes in a variety forms and degrees. What I'd like to do here is quantify this visceral (and highly idiotic) emotion with the Sports Fan Anger Index. What exactly makes us mad? What makes us the most mad? Does it always involve Braylon Edwards?
First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.
Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.
And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.
Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse
Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.
Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game
Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league
Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.
Add-ons
+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.
+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.
+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?
+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)
+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.
+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.
By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.
Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.
Go Teams.
First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.
Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.
And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.
Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse
Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.
Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game
Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league
Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.
Add-ons
+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.
+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.
+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?
+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)
+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.
+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.
By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.
Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.
Go Teams.
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