Sports Fan Anger Index

Die hard sports fans are assured only one thing in life: We will be angry. This anger comes in a variety forms and degrees. What I'd like to do here is quantify this visceral (and highly idiotic) emotion with the Sports Fan Anger Index. What exactly makes us mad? What makes us the most mad? Does it always involve Braylon Edwards?

First, some ground rules. This index calculates only the anger felt after a game. So, you might be a little bit more mad the Indians traded Victor Martinez than you are about the Cavs losing to the Magic in the regular season, and it might be possible to add such a figure to this index, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.

Also, this is an anger index. The abject misery that is watching the Cleveland Browns lose their 15th game in a season is depressing—numbingly depressing. But that's not anger. Sure, there might be some anger there, but it's not weighted as high in this index.

And I think that covers the preamble. So how does this Sports Fan Anger Index work? Well, I've assigned number values to a variety of factors that all contribute to the emotional context associated with a team. How much do you expect out of that team? How important was the game? How did the team lose? The answers to these questions determine whether we write a sarcastic text or throw a remote when the game ends. Explaining the nuances of something as irrational as sports fanaticism is taxing and complicated. This index easily identifies the situation and defines our reaction.

Expectations
10- Championship
8- Playoff contention
5- .500 or better
3- Rebuilding (the positive way to say "not good")
1- Barely a pulse

Note: Pretty straightforward here. Expectations are just that. A championship team should play as such, and when it doesn't, it is irritating. When we expect a team to play terrible and it does, it's hardly as upsetting.

Stakes
10- Championship
8- Playoff game
6- Regular season game w/ playoff implications
5- NFL regular season game
3- NBA game
2- MLB game

Level of other team
7- Nationals/Nets/Rams level of suck
5- .500 team
3- Above average team
1- Best team in the league

Important note here. Index numbers are to be calculated only following losses UNLESS the team's expectations and the level of the other team add up to 15 or more. For example, if the Cavs barely beat the Nets, that's not something to pop champagne about. Anger is allowable after wins in those cases. If playing well in a loss is a moral victory, then barely winning a game that should be a blowout is an immoral victory. The immoral victory does not get weighted in the stakes column above.

Add-ons

+3 Tyronn Lue Award— Tyronn Lue was (is? Unsure if he's still in the league) a bum of an NBA player. For whatever reason, when he played against the Cavs, he seemed to play out of his mind. He'd be dribble driving, hitting 3s, playing pesky D, making annoying faces. It was incredibly frustrating. In his honor, whenever a bum from another team catches fire and makes the difference in a game—playing well above his usual output—I give that guy the Tyronn Lue Award for the game. If that happens in the game, tack on three to your calculation.

+2 The Elway Rule— It's like the Tyronn Lue Award, but it's not inexplicable. When the same guy beats us constantly, it becomes extremely frustrating, but when it's one of the best guys in the league, what did we expect? It's still worthy of adding some points onto our anger.

+5 Rivalry—Fuck the Steelers.
+3 Hateable team— The Red Sox are not the Indians' rival, but I hate them. That has to count for something, right?

+5 The Braylon Edwards Rule— Losing because the highest paid guys on the team—the guys we rely on—did not come through is terribly aggravating. When Casey Blake grounds into a double play, it's annoying, but it's understandable. He's Casey Blake. He sucks. But when it's Travis Hafner? Get ready for an expletive tirade. (I know Hafner isn't awesome any more, but he's being paid like he's awesome, so he still counts.)

+1 to 4 Ramifications—Did a key guy go down? Was this the fifth game in a row where we played no defense? Did this help out the Tigers magic number? Does the SEC gain bragging rights? Is this a really long losing streak? Feel free to subjectively add a few points based on any number of disasters.

+1 to +3 Blunders—These points are reserved for blown calls or poor coaching decisions. Stuff that is out of your control ... because as we all know, the play on the field IS in our control.

By my calculations, the easiest game to swallow would be the Pirates or Nationals losing a well played, controversy free game to the very good yet not hateable Los Angeles Dodgers (4). And the worst? Well, a certain college football championship game from 2006 comes to mind (40). A higher score is possible, but anyone who has experienced it probably walked into traffic and is no longer able to tell the tale.

Note: I may be off in my reasoning or missed some factors or weighted stuff wrong—this is definitely an imperfect system that will be tweaked over time—but I think I'm pretty close. One problem that might muddy the system is the depression factor. I remember feeling extremely depressed when the Buckeyes lost to Florida, not angry. But that's my standard coping mechanism, so I don't think it's a reflection on this objective, highly sophisticated mathematical formula I've created here. Would like to hear some suggestions for additions or changes though.

Go Teams.