Here's the most depressing part about the 2011 Cavs: This might not be as bad as it gets.
Gulp.
Well, maybe we won't lose 48* games in a row ever again, but my point is things are going to be bad for a long time -- and I'm not sure we're all fully realizing this.
(*forecasted)
Someone asked me the other day what I would do if I ran the Cavs. My first plan would be to lock everyone in the Q and burn it down. If, for some reason, that plan didn't work, I would probably trade everybody on the team minus Boobie Gibson and JJ Hickson for draft picks and prospects, Cleveland Indians-style. There's no way to rebuild this other than to totally blow it up and create a completely new basketball team.
Why not keep Varejao? Because he's our only truly valuable asset, and by the time this team is ready to contend again, Varejao will either be in his mid-30s or playing for another team anyway after he leaves as a free agent. Yup - the Cavs are not going to be contenders for at least five years. Minimum.
That last statement caused this text response: FIVE YEARS?!?!
That's when I realized that we in Cavalier land aren't fully accepting our position. We're making jokes about the losing streak, we're making sure to not attend games and we're feeling very, very sorry for ourselves. We're doing our part as fans of the worst team in basketball. But many of us still seem to think that after we pick in the top 3, and maybe make a trade, we're going to be right back in the mix. Call it Post-Dramatic-Success Disorder, or just call it Total and Utter Delusion.
Any time you think to yourself "Well, if we pick an All Star with the No.1 pick, and then use our trade exception to get another decent player ..." go ahead and watch film on Ryan Hollins. That oughta wake you up.
Recent top 2 picks in the league have turned out to be awesome players: Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant (maybe even John Wall)-- they are supposed to bolster the argument that any team, including the Cavs, is one player away. Nevermind the Greg Odens, Michael Beasleys, Evan Turners and whomever-came-after-Blake-Griffins of the world; nevermind that even with Blake and Eric Gordon and a rejuvenated Baron Davis that the Clippers still suck; nevermind that none of the projected top 3 picks this year are very inspiring -- with the big-time luck of Cleveland sports, we're bound to get a bonafide superstar with this pick and turn things around quickly! ... Umm, right?
Say we get the Ping-pong ball, and say the dude we draft is a stud, where does that put us?
Let's flashback to 2003. Ping-pong ball, No.1 pick, LeBron James. Effing great, right? It took the Cavs three years just to make the playoffs -with the best player on the planet. Is my five-year-best-case scenario starting to make a little more sense?
We had a great run with a once-in-a-lifetime player. And it's over. Waaaay over. Now we're officially among the Bobcats and the Grizzlies of the world. Not as a stepping stone. Not as a one-year blip on the radar. Most teams that pick near the top of the draft stay in the lottery for quite awhile, and now we're one of those perpetual lottery teams. Is it sinking in?
Actually, forget the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. You know what we are now? The Cavs. That's right. Gilbert can write Comic Sans emails until Antawn Jamison's contract expires, but if he really wants to send a message to the fans, he should reinstall the blue seats, sign one of Shawn Kemp's 15 kids and bring back Whammer. In a way, the Cavs we once knew are long gone, but in another way, they are BACK, baby!
Go Cavs.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Nope. I'm not watching.
Quick story about a 6-year-old boy named Christopher Donald Crowell. The year was 1990. Most of the dumb little boys Christopher Donald's age liked sports, and most of those dumb little boys rooted for the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. Emmitt Smith folders. Jerry Rice backpacks. And so on. The reason for that? Those teams were good, and dumb little boys are front runners. No one likes to follow a loser, especially not little kids. They're coldly logical at that age.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Like any other dumb little kid, Christopher Donald liked watching sports too, and like most dumb little kids, he didn't fully grasp the concept of rooting for your hometown teams yet. Don't get me wrong, Christopher Donald liked the hometown teams more than most — the Browns, Indians and Cavs were all his favorites, but he also had another football team he rooted for.
That team was the Buffalo Bills.
Yup. Even as a dumb little kid, when the world was new and exciting, and one could choose to root for any team in the world — when the common practice was to follow the Cowboys (3 Super Bowls during that time period) or the 49ers (3 Super Bowls during that time period), young, stupid Christopher Donald chose to root for the Buffalo Bills (4 straight Super Bowl losses).
... Even as a front runner, I lost.
****
I tell you that to tell you this: I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl this year.
Seriously, what is the point? Someone rationally explain to me why I should watch this game. The Steelers are going to win. It's predestined. And I'm tired of watching the Steelers win. Nothing about it is fun. Getting frostbite on my face would be more fun. Even if they somehow don't win, is there really joy in that? It's not like a loss is going to crush all of those insufferable, black-and-yellow dickheads anyway. They've already won two Super Bowls in the last five years. This is just eating more turkey on Thanksgiving when you're already full. It's gluttonous at this point. I'm tired of it. The whole grotesque affair can go on without me. I hear the Animal Planet is hosting another Puppy Bowl this Sunday — just a bunch of puppies running around for a few hours. Sounds good to me. Everyone's a winner during the Puppy Bowl.
But the Super Bowl is a party! It's an unofficial holiday! Everybody watches it! As a sports fan, you have to, right? If not that, then as an American. Would you skip opening presents on Christmas morning?
Yes. If every time I opened a present on Christmas somebody punched me in the face and told me I was ugly and nobody loved me, I would most definitely skip Christmas. I watch enough of my shitty teams play like shit in every shitty game they play. I see no need to pile on to my misery. I see no need to watch Big Ben Rapelisberger scramble around for first downs on third and long. I see no need to watch Hines Ward's shit-eating smile. I see no need to watch the Pittspuke fans celebrate yet another championship (which STILL puts you one behind Cleveland all time. Suck it.) I don't see a need to watch the Green Bay fans and players celebrate either. Screw them too. Until I see orange helmets on the field, or until the NFL brings back The NFL Championship Game, I'm not watching.
Listen. It's February. It's time to miserably watch my 8-win NBA team lose by double-digits; it's time to wait patiently for my last-place baseball team to take the field; and it's time to study up on the NFL draft. Everything else can go to hell.
Everything except puppies. Go puppies, and Go teams.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Cleveland 19 or A Stack of Turds
The Cleveland 19 is a tradition I started around 2007. I wanted to rank the most important athletes in the city at that time. It was fun for a debate during an oh-so-fun time in Cleveland sports. The Indians won the World Series (in my mind at least ... F you CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee), the Cavs were in the NBA finals and the lowly Browns rose up and won 10 games. Yes sir, things were turning around in the city and the Cleveland 19 showed why. Lots of stars, hope and promise on that list.
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Here in 2011, things are a little different. And by a little different, I mean the exact opposite. The Cleveland 19 might as well be The Cleveland 3 1/2. For real. This list was in a slow, steady decline ever since its inception, but this year it feels like the city was burned down and this is just a list of the only people left alive. That's why I needed to add a second headline to the post this year, Rocky and Bullwinkle style.
Remember, the rankings aren't totally based on pure talent.
1. Contract status matters. If a guy is locked up longer than another guy, he gets a higher rank because he is more important.
2. The list is tantalized by promising youngsters. For example, Carlos Carrasco is on the list. Dude was a walking gasoline can until September last season. But he looked good at that point. If he stays on that path, his spot on the list is earned.
3. And finally, Cleveland loyalty is important. Remember, Cleveland teams aren't judged by wins and losses because we always lose in the end. So we judge by other intangibles, with the highest form being loyalty to our loser town. Sadly, the Cleveland loyalty status of this list takes a huge hit with the departure of Z and the likely departure of Phil Dawson.
Anyway, don't want to delay this much longer. I can feel your anticipation.
Because I had to...
19. Justin Masterson - I didn't expect this dude to crack the list. I actively hated Masterson for much of last year because lefties batted .850* off him. But his year-end numbers actually weren't that bad. He might be a decent starter. He earns a little respect as a result.
18. Mo Williams - I DID NOT want to have Mo on this list. I really didn't. Remember my "the city burned down" joke earlier. Well, I wish Mo didn't make it. To me, he's the epitome of this crappy Cavs team: he's gutless. When the going gets tough, Mo's testicles shrink to the size of chic peas. And really, on pure talent, this spot should probably be Antawn Jamison, but Jamison is just too irrelevant to the future of the Cavs and will be shipped out as soon as possible. So in 2011, Mo's the 18th best dude in -- Nah, forget this. Mo sucks.
18. Josh Cribbs - OK, Cribbs was terrible this year, and he might never be that special ever again. But like I said, Cleveland loyalty matters, and Cribbs is a Clevelander at heart. I have to believe he was hurt this year. He was ranked No. 2 on this list last year! Read that again. I couldn't have a Cleveland athlete index and not include Cribbs even though he contributed about as much as Ray Ventrone this season.
Potential
17. Carlos Carrassco - Right now, Carrassco might not be as good as Masterson, but he can be. And if he can nail down a middle of the rotation spot this year, it's huge for the future of the Indians.
16. Brown's first round pick - Hopefully this is A.J. Green. Whoever he is, he needs to be this good.
15. Cavs' first round pick - Ditto.
14. Lonnie Chisenhall / Jason Kipnis - I know I'm cheating, and I know neither of these guys have proven anything, but their long-term status within our organization and the hope that is riding in their potential is huge. They are the top prospects in the city. And last year, I put Carlos Santana on this list as a nod for that very reason, and it motivated him to kick ass. So ... here's hoping.
Cavs role players
13. J.J. Hickson - I don't believe Hickson is that great. I don't think he should be this high, and hopefully he won't be in a few years. But at the moment, Hickson's development is important for the Cavs if we want to start losing by single digits every night instead of double digits.
12. Boobie Gibson - First guy on the list that I really like, and one of only two Cavs that I like. Boobie rises to challenges and truly likes playing in Cleveland. That's all I ask out of a Cleveland athlete.
11. Anderson Varejao - The other Cav that I like. Wild Thing probably should be higher, but I'm penalizing everybody on the Cavs for being a part of this post-Decision debacle. Plus, his stock drops a little due to this season-ending injury. Also, I get the feeling he's on the next plane out of town when his contract is up.
Starting to get decent
10. Asdrubal Cabrera - Lost much of last year to injuries and apathy. Crucial year for Cabrera to stay healthy and step up. When he's playing like he should, he's an above average shortstop. If the Tribe is ever going to sniff .500, Cabrera needs to show up.
9. Colt McCoy - I'd like nothing more than to put Colt number one on this list. He's definitely THE most important athlete in town, and it's not close. If he turns out to be a good QB, the Browns might actually start to win consistently. And McCoy showed flashes in a year where he prepared to start zero games. It gives a man hope. But I'm giving the guy a cautionary ranking. I mean, let's not forget he threw 7* picks in 65* point-loss to Pissburgh.
8. Joe Haden - I love this guy. I had a spot reserved on the list for the Browns first round pick last year, and Haden exceeded that ranking. It seemed like Haden made his presence felt in some way every game. I always noticed him making a play. Can't say the same for TJ Ward. I'll admit Ward should probably be on this list, I just kind of forgot about him. Which, in a way, shows why he shouldn't be on the list, if that makes any sense.
7. Fausto Carmona - Up. Down. Up. Down. And back up again. Based on last year, Carmona should be this high, but in no way do I feel safe putting him here. However, like the other Tribe pitchers on this list, Carmona's continued success is extremely important to the team.
6. Chris Perez - I'd say the most unfortunate position in Cleveland sports, the one that has ruined the last decade the most, has been the Indians' bullpen. The one year it was finally good, we won the World Series (in my mind). That's why Perez is No. 6. I feel like he's a legit closer, and if he is, it's a huge step in stabilizing the biggest trouble spot in the city. Well, other than the school system and crime and political corruption.
The Heartthrobs
5. Grady Sizemore - By now, Grady should be the mayor of the damn city. But this is Cleveland, always and forever. So the handsome All-Star centerfield can't stay on top for too long. Not long enough to reach his potential anyway. No sir. He needs to miss two years of life because of knee surgeries. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to be hopeful that Grady cements his dimples back into my heart and the top of the Indians' lineup.
4. Peyton Hillis - The number one man-crush in Cleveland. The way ladies love Grady, that's how dudes love Hillis. He's big, tough, physical, manly, rugged ... Eighty-five* percent of the guys in Cleveland would like Hillis to impregnate them. The other 15* percent are gay or don't watch football. I'd like to think my Week 2 blog post that called him out for being a role player motivated him to achieve great things. He broke down at the end of the year, which was inevitable, but when he starts to share the workload a little with Montarrio Hardesty, and when the Browns start to throw a little bit more ... and of course when we get that top shelf deep threat to open things up ... and juuust before pigs start to fly ... ... I don't remember where I was going with this.
Faces of the Franchise
3. Shin-Soo Choo - Based on accomplishments and talent, easily the number one choice. But I get the sense that Choo is counting the days until he gets to leave Cleveland. He actually said as much, allegedly, to Jhonny Peralta and to the Korean press. A lesser man would be banned from the list for speaking openly about leaving Cleveland. But Choo is just too good.
2. Joe Thomas / Alex Mack - I put too many combos in the list. I know I do. It's more like The Cleveland 25. Get over it. But I think this combo is warranted. The offensive line is a unit, and in Cleveland ours is decent, due in large part to both of these guys. Thomas seemed to struggle more this year, but he's still one of the best and most important guys in town. And you have to give Thomas credit for being in the top 3 of the The 19 on an annual basis. Well done, sir. No doubt you will slip on a banana peal and fall down a flight of stairs any day now.
1. Carlos Santana - Writing this top spot used to be a lot of fun. Nothing against Santana, who is an otherworldly talent, but it's just not the same. Here's what I wrote about That Other Player in Miami last year:
You're nervous; I'm nervous; we're all nervous. No need to talk about it. Let's all just pray to whatever gods we like and do what we can to make sure this isn't the last time this guy is perched atop the Cleveland 19. For example, I will be praying to LeBron. Not sure if that will be effective, but he's all I got.
Well, as we know now ... there is no LeBron. So Santana, you are the one. ... All hail, Carlos Santana! (You know, until we're watching El Decisionne on ESPN Deportes in *seven years)
Go Teams.
* approximate
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Worst.
No fuss, no muss, here it is: This is the worst era in the history of Cleveland sports. Period. Quickly, so as not to prolong this miserable rumination, let's have a brief overview of where we're at:
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
- The Cavs are currently the worst basketball team on planet earth. Our scores are so lopsided, scientists believe it moved the Earth off its axis.
- Why do we suck? Our hometown savior dumped us on national TV for another team, leaving behind a collection of gutless losers.
- That same guy that back-stabbed us, who we now hate, is on the best team in basketball and looks like he's on his way to 10 MVPs and 8 NBA titles. He, of course, was too gutless to win one of those titles while in Cleveland. Not exactly an exclusive club.
- Oh, and just for shits and giggles, Anderson Varejao is out for the year. No doubt this injury will end his career.
- You know why I think it will end his career? See: Hafner, Travis; Sizemore, Grady.
- OK, both of those guys are still technically playing baseball. But still.
- I mean, seriously, Hafner has been a wimp for three years because he has a "tired shoulder." WTF!
- Oh, and the Indians might be the worst team in Major League Baseball. Sure, we have some promising young talent, but by the time they become decent, they will be traded or signed by another team. It's no one's fault. Major League Baseball is just set up so that we will constantly fail. That's all. No biggie.
- We're starting this year with no third baseman. For real.
- One of our best starting pitchers can't get left handers out. Other than that he's awesome.
- One last note on the Tribe. Last year we brought up our best prospect. And he delivered for us. And then he snapped his femur. Or something like that. Doesn't matter.
- The Browns might not be the worst team in the NFL, but they are close.
- We have a dude in the organization who has coached a team to a Super Bowl victory. ... he's not our coach. Neither is Gruden or Cowher or John Fox.
- Our new coach is some butt fuck named Pat.
- The Browns did have a decent year this year though. Steps forward. At least it felt that way, right?
- We were 5-11.
- Last weekend, the Steelers, the Ravens, Bill Belichick and Braylon Edwards were all in the running for the Super Bowl.
- Now it's just Braylon Edwards and the Steelers.
- No doubt the Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
- Oh, and not to linger on this Steelers thing, but I was at my local Giant Eagle here in Stow the other day. I was grocery shopping and minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a giant display of baked goods painted in black and yellow (not gold). The sign on the display said: "Go Steelers." Here in my local Giant Eagle. Here in Ohio. It's bad enough that we suck. It's bad enough that the team I hate more than any other is always good -- but does it need to be shoved in my fucking face while trying to buy a loaf of bread? Go Steelers??? Really??? This only happens to Browns fans. Red Sox fans don't have to worry about seeing "Go Yankees" signs at their local grocery store; Packers fans won't encounter any Go Bears signs this week while walking down the street. And you sure as hell won't see any Browns shit in Pittsburgh. Nope. Just another thing that makes rooting for Cleveland sports so special and great.
- And so on
Oh, and we're not done. So, not only is all of the above true, and not only will it remain true for the foreseeable future, but all of our mortal enemies are thriving. Every single one of them. And have been for a few decades. Take a look at this list of teams and players that have won championships while I've been alive, which is only about half of our title drought. Some of these teams might have won more during that time, but I'm just counting the titles that they won while I considered them enemies.
Michael Jordan (6)
John Elway (2)
Steelers (2, going on 3)
Ravens (1)
Belichick (3)
Chicago White Sox (1)
Detroit Pistons (1)
That Other Player in Miami (soon to be 8)
Boston Celtics (1)
Boston Red Sox (1)
Atlanta Braves (1)
Florida Marlins (1)
LA Lakers (2)
San Antonio Spurs (1)
Yankees (5 ... not really a rival. But whatever)
SEC football (5 ... just throwing this one in for fun too)
Twenty-eight professional sports championships that Cleveland fans should be pissed about, compared to none to celebrate during that timespan. And none to celebrate on the horizon. I know I have the term "blind optimism" in the tag line for this blog, but consider it redacted for the rest of my life. No Cleveland team will ever win a championship ever. Ever.
So other than all of that, things are great. Break out the noise makers.
Just don't get too loud. Hafner's shoulder is sleeping.
Go Teams.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
From a Cleveland fan perspective, 2010 might have been the worst year ever. Seriously, all of our teams stunk, we blew our chance at a championship and we lost No.6 to Miami. What's next? Bob Feller dying? ... See! 2010 was terrible! The real problem is it's just the beginning. 2011 will suck even more. That's a fact.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
So where do we go from here (other than the I-480 bridge)? My advice is to pour yourself a nice tall draft of Bitterness and project all of your hate onto everything and everyone. I'll get the festivities kicked off in the new year by debuting The Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame!
I usually Power Rank all of the people and teams I currently hate, but let's forget about power rankings. By nature, a power ranking is fleeting. It's hate of the moment. What we need is something more substantial. Something that lasts. Something that says: "We really fucking hate this guy - for life."
We need a Hate Hall of Fame, and we need this for many reasons, only one of which is to answer the question, would Braylon Edwards be a first-ballot Hall of Famer?
So, let's create this Hall of Fame right now. Here are the immediate issues to consider:
• Should players be nominated for leaving for more money? I'm very inclined to say yes to this question because I usually hate guys when this happens. But is it hate worthy of the Hall of Fame? For example, I hated Manny Ramirez more than any athlete for years. As the years have passed, however, I feel most of that fading away. I kind of like him again. I even lifted my fantasy sports ban and picked him to be on my team two years ago. In 2001, I would have voted him into the Hall, and now, I don't think I would. Is it just because it's Manny and he's a doofus? I still hate Thome. And I've started to love Albert Belle again. A solution here may be a mandatory grace period for Guy Leaving for More Money to make sure the hate is the real thing.
• Should there be different wings for players we hate on our own teams vs. those on other teams? I don't think so. If a guy's only sin is sucking on our team, even if it is Casey Blake, he probably does not deserve a nomination. There is clearly a loophole in this rule (see: Mesa, Jose).
• Should there be spots for guys like Kendrick Perkins? The guys you just want to punch in the face but not for any real valid reason? I'm leaning toward those types of guys having an exhibit within the hall, but those guys need a long career of craving a punch to the face before going up for nomination. One Brady-Anderson-50-homer year of needing to be punched in the face isn't enough.
• Do ALL guys that dominate our teams make it in? Michael Jordan is one of the great examples of a dude dominating Cleveland teams, but I don't sense a great amount of hatred for him. Dude dominated every team. It's not like we were special. Does that lessen the hate? It's kind of the Wes Mantooth exception ("I pure, straight hate you [Ron Burgundy] .... but god damn it do I respect you.")
Depending on your age and your perspective on the issues I've raised, your HOF may look a little different. So, if you have issues — tough. Get your own blog. Here are the 19 guys I'm inducting the inaugural class of the Cleveland Sports Hate Hall of Fame
- Art Modell - Seriously, you moved the F'ing Browns out of Cleveland? I don't care how many reasons you had and how many years pass, it's still shocking. I will gladly piss on your grave when you die. [Highest vote total]
- That Other Player in Miami - No grace period. I hate you for life.
- John Elway - Death to you, those 98 yards and your gigantic gums.
- Jose Mesa - Saves records are fun for a couple days or so, but blown saves in Game 7 last a lifetime. I know Tony Fernandez is perhaps more to blame here, but his home run pushed us to the World Series, and he's a good dude. He gets a pass. Sorry. This is your legacy. You fail The Name Test of the hall. When your name is said, fans cringe. That's important.
- Carlos Boozer - Stabbed a blind man in the back.
- Bill Belichick - Glad you got ALLLLLL the kinks out of your coaching style here in Cleveland before you figured it out and won 3 Super Bowls. Get cancer and die.
- CC Sabathia - Much of this comes from his idiotic comments since joining NY. Comments are a big factor in Hall consideration. It's much more lasting than simply joining another team and fading away. You're a douchebag CC. May your next jumbo chili dog be your last.
- Frank Lane - Infamously traded Rocky Colavito and other great Indians players. And there aren't built-in excuses to fall back on like the small market or inequities in the game. His moves are so legendarily despised that he has to be in the Hall of Fame.
- Michael Jordan - If for no other reason than because we have to see The Shot every day for the rest of our lives. He was legitimately the only thing standing in between those Cavs team and a title, as well. What luck.
- Craig Counsel - I know Renteria got the hit ... but seeing this little puke running and jumping and scoring the run is etched in my brain for good.
- Jim Thome - Here's what separates Thome from Belle and Ramirez in my eyes - Dude acted like he was different. He constantly said how he'd be here for life and the entire city bought it. The Tribe front office even offered him a ton of money (and a statue in front of the Jake among other perks), but it wasn't enough. It actually turned out to be a good thing because we couldn't afford that contract looking back, but still ... F him.
- Ted Stepien - An owner who made moves so dumb the NBA had to step in and stop him, and create a rule (that is named after him) to prevent him from making more dumb moves. When people wander the streets aimlessly and say things like "...only in Cleveland..." this is what they mean.
- Braylon Edwards - I don't think this is premature. I think Edwards gets inducted because of his failures here and his rhetoric afterward. I'm also heaping the last 10 years of Browns futility (Tim Couch, Gerard Warren, Butch Davis, Willie Green, Ben Gay, etc.) on him.
- Ray Lewis - We need a Raven for the inaugural draft class, and he is the ultimate Raven.
The Steelers Ward: (I think standout Steelers players deserve their own special section ... like how child molestors are quarantined in their own section in prison.)
- Ben Roethlisberger - There's something hateable about all Steelers players, obviously, but Ben really forced his way into this list. [rimshot]
- Hines Ward - Dude epitomized the Steelers in this last era of dominance. He gets in the Punch in the Face exhibit because of that smile, but his consistent excellent play gets him inducted into the Hall.
- Lynn Swann - Never saw the guy play, so I have no smarmy comment. But he can eat shit for his sideline reporting.
- Franco Harris - You don't need to have lived to see the guy play to know his legacy of being a bitch.
- Bill Cowher - A traitor of the highest order. Had Browns in his blood and then went to Pittsburgh and turned them back into an annual contender. Burn in hell
There it is. Your inaugural Hate Hall of Fame inductees. But believe me, there are many, many more candidates. And I reserve the right to induct them whenever I please. With baseball season almost here (when the Browns season ends, it's officially baseball season in my mind ... the Cavs aren't helping with that either), the first person on notice is Cliff Lee. I bet he's pissed.
Go Teams.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 2, 2010
I was sitting in my living room, listening to the TV, checking my e-mail and conversing with Hannah before trying to do some work. Then, out of nowhere:
"I really think tomorrow night is the most important Cleveland sporting event of my lifetime," I said, kind of to Hannah, but mostly just to the universe at-large.
Hannah questioned me on this statement. Sure, the whole RETURN OF LEBRON!!! storyline is interesting and emotional and all that, but is it more important than all of those other "Most Important Games Ever" that I've watched and been let down by?
Yes. Game 7s, AFC championship games, NBA playoffs — those are all experiences had by any number of teams every year. The hunt for a title is definitely thrilling, but it's not entirely unique. December 2, 2010, is unique. It's our moment and ours alone.
Just what is this moment? It's a moment born entirely from The Decision — all of the failure, embarrassment and bitterness that was wrapped into that TV show. Those aren't new feelings around these parts, but The Decision re-imagined all of them. Gave them new life. December 2, 2010, is the fallout of that moment.
December 2, 2010, is the most important game in my lifetime because, at it's core, it encapsulates the narrative of Cleveland. Here's the scrappy team that was left behind versus the hyped-up, super team, starring the guy that pulled our pants down in front of the whole school. America's favorite punch line versus America. Cleveland never gets a chance to make fun of another city's polluted river; Cleveland never gets the chance to look down on other cities that rank on "Most Miserable Places on Earth" lists. December 2, 2010, is a chance to do that, I think.
December 2, 2010, can be about us. And I'm not saying "this is our moment to show everyone how great and classy we are!" No. F that. Cleveland has a chance to make someone else a punchline; to make someone else look like a buffoon. We can get the last laugh for a change!
I honestly hope a crazy fan attacks LeBron tomorrow. I hope the national media gets another reason to fart on Cleveland's head. Good. That's how it should be. Screw them. December 2, 2010, isn't about playing nice or making friends. This is Cleveland's unique moment in time, and the most important sporting event of my lifetime — with the nation watching — so why waste it by merely booing and cheering? Let's go set a fucking river on fire! And then throw LeBron in it!! Who's with me?!
Go Cavs!
"I really think tomorrow night is the most important Cleveland sporting event of my lifetime," I said, kind of to Hannah, but mostly just to the universe at-large.
Hannah questioned me on this statement. Sure, the whole RETURN OF LEBRON!!! storyline is interesting and emotional and all that, but is it more important than all of those other "Most Important Games Ever" that I've watched and been let down by?
Yes. Game 7s, AFC championship games, NBA playoffs — those are all experiences had by any number of teams every year. The hunt for a title is definitely thrilling, but it's not entirely unique. December 2, 2010, is unique. It's our moment and ours alone.
Just what is this moment? It's a moment born entirely from The Decision — all of the failure, embarrassment and bitterness that was wrapped into that TV show. Those aren't new feelings around these parts, but The Decision re-imagined all of them. Gave them new life. December 2, 2010, is the fallout of that moment.
December 2, 2010, is the most important game in my lifetime because, at it's core, it encapsulates the narrative of Cleveland. Here's the scrappy team that was left behind versus the hyped-up, super team, starring the guy that pulled our pants down in front of the whole school. America's favorite punch line versus America. Cleveland never gets a chance to make fun of another city's polluted river; Cleveland never gets the chance to look down on other cities that rank on "Most Miserable Places on Earth" lists. December 2, 2010, is a chance to do that, I think.
December 2, 2010, can be about us. And I'm not saying "this is our moment to show everyone how great and classy we are!" No. F that. Cleveland has a chance to make someone else a punchline; to make someone else look like a buffoon. We can get the last laugh for a change!
I honestly hope a crazy fan attacks LeBron tomorrow. I hope the national media gets another reason to fart on Cleveland's head. Good. That's how it should be. Screw them. December 2, 2010, isn't about playing nice or making friends. This is Cleveland's unique moment in time, and the most important sporting event of my lifetime — with the nation watching — so why waste it by merely booing and cheering? Let's go set a fucking river on fire! And then throw LeBron in it!! Who's with me?!
Go Cavs!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Deconstructing Hillis
The sports scene in Cleveland has some problems right now. That's maybe the most non-bold statement ever written. But here's a bold one: Nothing epitomizes how bad it is more than Peyton Hillis! (Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa)
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
Yup. Hillis. The only guy on any of our teams that seems to be playing well. I love Hillis. He's a Midwestern-style runner. Tough. He runs through arm tackles the way big strong white dudes run through arm tackles. I'm glad he's on the team, definitely. Best trade ever.
But seriously? Our most notable athlete right now is a big, white running back? Are we rooting for Notre Dame in 1930? What's next? Will Clevelanders start using rotary phones? Employ milkmen? Should I be concerned about the Germans? Why am I the only one seeing this? Legitimately, the best athlete in Cleveland right now is a white fullback. For some reason, I don't think this is a good thing. Call me crazy.
It might be dumb that I'm bummed that Hillis is white (and it's probably really dumb that I'm making it reflect on our entire sports scene right now). If this was Montario Hardesty, and he had the exact same games Hillis has had, I'd probably be excited. But I can't get passed it. Hillis is a big white dude, which, inherently limits him at the position, does it not? There's a reason I could make those killer jokes about old-timey things earlier. It's true. White running backs became obsolete as feature backs because over the course of a season, they can't get the job done. I mean, right? Isn't Red Grange on display in the Museum of Natural History?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Do any of you honestly think the best teams in the NFL would be showcasing Peyton Hillis this much? I can't help but feel that when he does bust out for a big run, that a healthy Hardesty or non-disgruntled Harrison (let's not forget he did almost break the single-game rushing record last season) would be doing even better by hitting the whole quicker or making a sharper cut. I know Hillis has had two good games, and I know much of it is due to his unique toughness and powerful style, which definitely brings an added bonus to the team. But ... really?
Here's the facts as I see it. He is a valuable team asset who gets tough yards and punishes the other team. Which is great! I love that! He can definitely have the same level of success as Mike Alstott. That's why I like Hillis. But if I'm watching a team where Mike Alstott is the best player, it makes me want to drink shots of Drain-O. And that's what I'm watching.
Hillis falls into the Casey Blake Theory, and you can't tell me different.
We all remember Casey Blake -- the dude with the cool beard and the big chin who was a mediocre third baseman for the Tribe. Blake became a lightning rod of hate for fans after awhile, and it wasn't because he was a disastrous player (well at least not right away). He wasn't terrible, he was just an average dude on a meager salary that played hard. However, Blake started batting fifth and third in the lineup when he should have been batting eighth or ninth. Batting higher than he should have put him in bigger spots to drive in runs. This wasn't his fault, but fans hated him for not driving in enough runs. That shouldn't have been his role. Being white isn't Hillis' fault either, and neither is the large role he has on the team. But at some point, Hillis' shortcomings will show up. And if they don't, then maybe President Herbert Hoover will attend a game.
I mean .... right?
I mean .... right?
In a vacuum, I like Hillis. In the context of our sports scene right now, and on this Browns team, the idea of him makes me sad. Although, the day I officially declared him overrated, the Baltimore game, he ran for 144 yards and we almost won. And I did it the next week too, and he played well and we won.
So .... like I said .... dude's overrated.
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